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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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my husband doesn't want another child

42 replies

lighthouse17 · 02/08/2016 14:27

hi I have posted here about this before and things are a bit better now as I was able to talk to my DH about this but I would like to hear from other people about what they think about the dilemma I am in.
So we have a lovely DD who is nearly 3 years old. My DH never wanted to a child and he agreed to have one with me (for me) which was great. However I am really broody and I always imagined having 2 kids. By the way we got married really young so this is not something we discussed before.
Anyway I had a chat with him last week. and he said he doesn't want another child, his reasons are he is tried, doesn't think he can go through the baby years again, additional stress, we have no family near by to help out. We both work and it will be really stressful to add another child.
I agree about all of these above but I still can't help but feel broody and long for another child.
I think that he might (only might) agree to have another child maybe in 2 years time but I don't know whether this will be a good decision as what if we have a high needs child, or disabled and he ends up resenting me, put strain in our relationship.
I would like to hear from people from similar situation. I really don't want to risk what we have at the moment. Has anyone had another child where your other half wasn't into it and agreed to have a child because you want it? how did it work? I am sure once the baby is here, he will love the baby and everything be ok?

OP posts:
DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 02/08/2016 16:18

And yet you've managed to post from 2015 about him not wanting a child in the first place .....

Lunar1 · 02/08/2016 16:22

The person who doesn't want a child should always win this argument. He has decided, all counselling would be for it to pester him into it.

Maybe you could have counselling to help decide if you are happy to stick to one or leave him to have another.

lighthouse17 · 02/08/2016 16:26

I have no idea why people are ganging up on me here??? this is supposed to be a nice friendly chat for mums. I am really upset about this as I come to mumsnet all the time. Please don't try to put words in my mouth or try to find out I am lying or something...
Yes, my DH didn't want to have a child (which I might have posted in the past) but one day he said ok lets make a baby. This is whats happened. I never ever pressured him, I don't think I need to keep saying this. Our first child is not the problem or what I am trying to post here.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 02/08/2016 16:29

I'm sorry, the decision is made as he doesn't want another child.

I'm sure this could be hard for you. Counselling?

lighthouse17 · 02/08/2016 16:29

hi Lunar1 , yes I agree, the person that doesn't want a baby wins the argument and that's what exactly told him. I said I would never every push him into something like this. I will only have a child if he was happy with it. People change or he might (might) change his mind but if he doesn't than thats ok too

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 02/08/2016 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maldini · 02/08/2016 16:32

I have no idea why he wouldn't want another child with you.

LittleMoonbuggy · 02/08/2016 16:54

Hi, we had always agreed on 2 DC though I had always told DP I wasn't sure if I would feel a longing for a third as I am one of 3 myself. I did try really hard to convince myself to stop at 2 DC though, wrote pros and cons lists (admittedly the cons always outweighed the pros!).

A while after I had DC2, I still didn't feel that our family was complete, and broached the subject with DH. He wasn't overly keen at first, and I didn't push him, never got emotional etc about it. It depends a lot on your individual circumstances too I think- ie, we are lucky to be able to easily afford it, have enough space in the house, both parents locally who are very supportive and our 2 DCs are great sleepers and pretty easy kids on the whole. When I pointed all of this out to him, bringing the subject every month or so in a calm, non pressuring way, he readily agreed to TTC no 3. It took almost a year to happen, and he seemed more disappointed than me some months when nothing happened!

I know it's not exactly the same situation as yours, in that you'd like DC2 not DC3, but maybe making a list of pros and pointing them out to your DH would help.,if there are any stumbling blocks, eg struggling to afford another maternity leave, try to think of a solution eg you're willing to cut back on a few luxuries to save up for it before TTC, to show your DH that you have considered these things carefully.

These things are hard, we can't help how we feel!

happypoobum · 02/08/2016 17:09

I know of two couples who were in very similar situations.

Friend A split up with her long term partner after he said he didn't want any children. He dragged it on and on for years until she had left it too late sadly. He on the other hand was married and had a child on the way with another woman!

Friend B got pregnant deliberately on purpose. Her DH was surprisingly supportive and happy when the child arrived. It could have been a very bad outcome though.

Sadly you agree with the reasons he doesn't want another child. I think you have to decide whether to stick with what you have, or split up so you can have another child.

raisedbyguineapigs · 02/08/2016 17:18

But if he agreed to have one child, why did yo assume that would mean he would then agree to another? I changed the goalposts and decided I wanted a 3rd child. It was horrendous when my DH refused and refused over and over again. I had a miscarriage and he was devastated, but still refused to try again. It was a really stressful time. If we hadnt had 2 children already, id have left him over it. We didnt have the 3rd in the end, and Im kind of glad. Nobody is in the wrong in this situation, but not having a child and learning to deal with it is the less risky option.

ppandj · 02/08/2016 19:41

Lighthouse i don't think you will necessarily be able to change his mind through going to counselling. But iirc from your other thread I saw, it seems like there are a few things holding him back that maybe you both need to work through together. He probably won't change his mind, but in my opinion, if you don't try to understand each-other's POV I don't see how you will get past this. You could end up resenting one another for the way that you feel and it would just be poisonous in the relationship.

What does he think about the relationship in general? Is he happy apart from this impasse? Is he glad he became a parent for you, or does he resent you a bit for it? I know he loves your DD, but he can love her and still not enjoy parenthood.

ppandj · 02/08/2016 19:44

Sorry I just saw that you did say your first child was not the problem! So my last few questions are a bit irrelevant.

However, I do think there is a lot more going on than just the second child or no second child. You might need to explore the reasons you want one?

ppandj · 02/08/2016 19:44

Sorry I just saw that you did say your first child was not the problem! So my last few questions are a bit irrelevant.

However, I do think there is a lot more going on than just the second child or no second child. You might need to explore the reasons you want one?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/08/2016 19:46

So, he didn't want to have a child. But he did. For you. He agreed to become a father so you could become a mother.

What a brilliant person he is.

You are sounding very selfish. Why force him a second time?

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 02/08/2016 21:51

Evening all
Just a reminder that Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make lives easier
Thanks

tipsytrifle · 02/08/2016 23:28

I think the problem here is that this thread is a repeat of last year. So for a year (in MN terms, maybe all his life for him) nothing has changed and something has to give.

I would have liked a second child but OH said no. That was end of story for me. No matter how broody I felt at the time there was a lot more to my life than being a mother of two and my son ... well .. gorgeous beyond words and experience could describe. I love him beyond worlds and time. He is "enough" in and of himself. The daughter I yearned to birth will have to wait for another life.

What I'm trying, badly, to say is that no-one is ganging up on you. There simply is no in between evident in your posts. He has said no but you are still operating under the banner of yes but ... if but .. when but .... every phrase and sentence a year after your original thread shows no "letting go" attempts at all.

I'm sorry that you felt offended earlier but your position on this matter doesn't indicate letting go of your dream for another child with your partner. A whole year of this broodiness is harsh and I am sorry you are going through it.

LellyMcKelly · 03/08/2016 00:32

He has told you he doesn't want another child, clearly and explicitly. You have to hear him and believe him. He doesn't want another child. You are annoyed because you're not seeing here what you want to see - that other people have talked round their partners, or that there was an 'accident' and their partner grew to love the new baby. He doesn't want another child. He doesn't even need to give a reason or an excuse.

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