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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unwanted attention

20 replies

sillydonkey · 02/08/2016 13:51

In order not to drip feed I will explain the situation to gain perspective. Apologies if this is long winded.

A few years back DH was on a temp contact one of the ladies became quite chatty with him on his breaks. They worked in diff depts. he told me about it at the time and said he was a bit worried about her as she used to come in with bad bruses on her face arms and neck.
He used to listen to her problems and was friendly towards her.
On a works night out she got quite drunk and he called me and said he would be late home as needed to make sure she got back safely. When he got home he told me she had tried to kiss him. The friendship fizzled out and DH got a full time job somewhere else.

The lady started messaging him on FB and got his email. He didn't engage with her but he kept it from me. I found out and at the time thought there was more to it. I told him everytime she contacted him he needed to be open with me and we would deal with it together.

Things got worse she got our house number and address of the electrical role and stated calling constantly and waiting outside the house. We threaten police and she backed right off. Once in a blue moon she will make a fake FB profile and contact either me or DH but we have got pretty wise to her now and we both tell one another and just block no issue.

Last week it was mine and DH anniversary and he booked a Suprise day off work (shift worker) and took me out for a meal. Just local nothing fancy as he hadn't made a reservation. He booked me in for a well overdue haircut as I have been loosing weight and wanted to get a drastic change done to my hair when I reached my target weight. For once I felt great about myself.

I had to cancel my plans with my friend who needed to talk so I tagged myself into the pub just to show her we did go out and I wasn't lying. I never do this but just wanted to prove we went out.

Anyway this morning I woke upto a odd FB message. I assumed it was "her" it went along the lines of.

Hi X I saw you last week at X pub. You looked amazing and it was great to see you again would you be interested in going out one eve?

(It's not the first time she's messaged and attached a pic of a good looking woman / man and tried to trap both of us so I naturally assumed it was her.

I told her to go away and leave us alone was about to block and had another message come through. Turns out it wasn't her after all but my ex from before DH. He must of been at the pub and I didn't notice him. The profile name was different and I've only just worked out a anagram of his name just with a few added letters.

I've blocked him and didn't engage any further. But he came back and messaged under another profile and the messages were quite explicit. It would be easy for me to delete and not say anything but that would be double standards. But I don't really want my DH reading the explicit messages as he will hit the roof and will probably try and track him down.

Do I tell my DH?

OP posts:
ElBandito · 02/08/2016 13:54

Yes, tell him. You need to be honest if you want honesty from him.

FinnMcCool · 02/08/2016 14:01

How did you feel when he didnt initially tell you?
You are right in double standards.
Tell your ex to back off in not so subtle wording, show your DH, and then block your ex.

Absolutely you tell DH.

ElBandito · 02/08/2016 14:05

Plus, you sound like you have a strong marriage now. How much easier to deal with your scuzzy ex if your DH has your back. That's how it should be.

Original poster
sillydonkey · 02/08/2016 14:13

I was gutted when I found out.

If I knew it was my ex I would not of engaged at all. There was a bit of back and forth on my part as he kept complimenting me and I was saying things like "ha good one" assuming it was her.

I will post the full message here.

Message about seeing you at X pub.

Ha good one

Huh

Crawl back under your bridge you troll.

(My full madien name) please will you come out with me one night?

Just piss off now, you've been at the electoral role again I see.

Please come for a drink sexy we were so good together.

Your boring me now "her name" I am blocking you now.

Silly wait I think you've misunderstood it's X "your ex" please meet me.

WTF do you want? No bye.
(Then I blocked him)

If I show him the message I don't think he will believe I didn't know who I was talking too as now I've realised the name it's bloody obvious.

OP posts:
LavenderLemons · 02/08/2016 14:25

With your previous history, anyone would have thought this new fb contact was her trying to stir it again. Your response was perfectly OK and you've blocked creepy ex. But you must tell your DH. Hiding it would just make it look suspicious.

adora1 · 02/08/2016 14:26

Look you either trust each other or you don't so show him and don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong.

As for him and his ex colleague, I am not so sure.

Shizzlestix · 02/08/2016 21:49

Definitely tell him, you wanted openness from him, you must give it to him. Do a final message to ex re being more than happily married and how he needs to fuck off.

joellevandyne · 03/08/2016 06:14

You've done nothing wrong, but the right thing to do would be to show your DH.

Even if you had realised it was your ex messaging, not one of your responses is any kind of encouragement, so there's nothing to be embarrassed about there. But it seems clear to me from your responses that you think you're corresponding with your DH's stalker.

The only concern I have from your post is that you say your DH will "hit the roof" and try to track your ex down. Why on earth would he do that? That seems like an extreme overreaction. If I showed a similar conversation to my OH, he'd make a face and say something like, "Jeez, that dude needs to get a grip."

LellyMcKelly · 03/08/2016 08:08

Show your DH. You've done nothing wrong, and it means you're practicing what you preach - you'd expect him to tell you if it was the other way round. As an aside, make sure you save all these messages from these stalkers, and do not hesitate to go to the police again. You shouldn't have to deal with that. Changing names or sending anonymous Facebook messages, especially explicit ones, is not normal behaviour.

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 08:18

Tbh, I feel uncomfortable about your post and I'm not even involved!

What's going on that makes you think your husband won't believe you? That's quite a strange reaction from you.

  1. The work colleague has form
  2. She has used ER which you refer to
  3. You called him her name
  4. Even if your husband did inexplicably think this was your ex, you told him to get lost

Are you posting everything that got said??

If you blocked him when you said, how did he send you the explicit mail?

Do you have form with this ex?
You expect an over reaction from your husband.
Also your response when he said who he was... Any if my exes, I'd say "oh god, I thought you were someone else who has been trouble - sorry! Hope you're well, just so you know - I'm happily married now!" And then I'd have told my husband about it.

There's something more going on here.

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 08:32

Also, I know this isn't what you posted about, but it is just WEIRD to post on fb to prove to a friend why you cancelled!

The only person I know who would do that, is a woman who had form for last minute cancellations because her husband was a controlling arsehole who engineered them, and people had stopped believing her after she let them down too many times!

Your friend should not be demanding "proof", I would distance myself from someone like that.

faffalotty · 03/08/2016 08:38

just from reading your posts, I would assume that the messages were from the same woman - and that she is trying to get some evidence to present to your DH that you are planning on seeing your ex behind his back

Original poster
sillydonkey · 03/08/2016 10:13

In response to Cab

I posted everything that was said.

I blocked him and he came through under another profile (both fake profiles by the looks of it as his name was a anagram on both)

No form with this ex never mentioned him to DH before as we ended 2 years before I met him. Never saw or spoke to him since and I was only 16/17 at the time. He has no relevance at all.

With the friend FB thing, I had cancelled on my friend 2 days in a row. This was the third day, We have a casual arrangement she comes over a day every other week. We have a new build and builders turn up whenever they like and it was a big job. He's not controlling, my friend does visit when he's at work as she's ttc.

Faff, yes I thought that too as she has form but I know 100% it's not her it's him this time. She's just a random I don't know her and she isn't going to know my xs full name from 15 years ago.

I tried to bring it up last night in bed but he was asleep as soon as his heat hit the pillow so will just text him screen shots today as I do want to be honest.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 10:22

So why were you afraid of your husband's reaction?

It just seems an odd response from you, even without the history with the woman from his work.

Original poster
sillydonkey · 03/08/2016 10:54

Screen shot sent and H has replied, I thought he would get upset / mad I think I've judged him by my own standards there.

He's fine with it, told me not to worry and is glad I told him.

He wants to contact him tho. I've said I don't see the point as its from years ago and has no relevance on our lives at all. But he wants him to know it's not ok and wants him to know I'm married.
As it was our anniversary last week I changed my profile picture to our wedding photo and if he saw us out at the pub we were together.

So it may turn into a pissing contest now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 17:41

I don't understand any of this Confused

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 19:26

Oh FFS, are you a child?
No you are not.
Do not let your husband treat you like one Angry

Do not let it turn into a "pissing contest".

There is no reason whatsoever for your husband to get involved.

Your ex tried it on. You said no thanks. Let that be the end of it.

Why on earth do you need your husband to speak for you?
He is not your father.
You've got this.

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 19:28

As soon as you told your husband you didn't want him to get involved, the only acceptable response is "of course not, you already dealt with it - sorry! If you do want me to do anything, let me know".

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 19:32

let me get this right, op

you are in a relationship with a bloke who is being harassed and stalked

you are also being harassed and stalked

are you saying it's the same person doing all of it ?

or are both of you being subject to the same treatment at the same time by two different people...because that would be an almost incredible coincidence

suspiciousofgoldfish · 03/08/2016 21:49

My head hurts.

Turn off your phone, iPad whatever.

Enjoy a nice evening with your husband.

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