Stories from people who eventually left DH because of MIL?

[Aranpoo]

Long running history with MIL. Ive read all of the books, tried all of the strategies to get DH on side, but I'm still being punished by DH for not accepting MIL'S intrusive, strange and disturbing behaviour.

It's not direct, obvious punishment either. He just goes quiet on me for a week, there's no sex, no arguments, no affection, little conversation, just the quiet treatment. It lasted 4 weeks quite recently after MIL disrespected me infront of the whole family at a family dinner and blanked me through the meal even after my attempts to speak to her. Everyone noticed. We left early. DH was shocked at her behaviour, but he still punished me with the silent treatment for saying I am now refusing to be in her company.

This week it's because she's sent flowers out of the blue and Ive told DH I don't want to make up with her because I know it's all part of her game playing mentally to get everyone else on side. I've written her a polite letter explaining how she makes me feel, but DH is reluctant for me to send it and have my say too.

Getting really tired of it all now.

Other than this, DH is a kind man and a good father. At what point though does it become too much and at what point do you give in and walk away? I'd appreciate some stories, good or bad please.

Alpies - of course the DH would see his kids. Why would he not, he's still their father and OP has given no indication he's not a good one. Standard these days is 50/50 residency with both parents. Are you seriously suggesting that the OP stay with an emotional abuser to make sure his mother doesn't spend time with the kids when they are with him? What a bizarre notion!

Going to have to agree with the PPs here; if he will not stand up for you, you are probably on a hiding to nothing. Obviously I love my parents but if either of them began to victimise or treat my DW badly then they would be unceremoniously dropped like a bad habit. The fact that he's failed to identify where his priorities lie is the most disturbing aspect here

I speak from experience, it was always going to be a case of him or me and DS. Mil made me life horrible would pick me apart as a mother, tried to boss me about inregards to when she was having DS who she wanted me to abort when I pregnant verbally abused me when I was pregnant, she missed his birth as she booked to go away on purpose.

I was excluded on family photos, called names, ex was also EA. I wished I left but he left me for someone else was the biggest kindest he could of done me. I don't think I had the strength to leave but I met a wonderful man who I've had further DC and his family are kind without being overbearing they are always supportive.

Cosmo11 thanks for your post. There are similarities between your experience and mine, however MIL has rarely been overtly nasty, just alienates me on purpose (family photos, social media etc) and tells me how to mother my children. She has also tried to control how and when she sees them and arranged family holidays for us all without consulting us properly first (although DH sees this as something we should be grateful for as she pays.) However I know that there is nothing that doesn't come with obligation.
MIL has also involved herself in our private finances by going to the building society herself on behalf of us in the past.
I realise more than ever that I have a DH problem and probably because his lack of boundaries and understanding of how things make me feel are leaking into other aspects of our lives.

I would struggle financially if I leave him, now probably isn't a particularly good time as we're paying our for childcare. I know hanging on a little longer would be more economically viable.
I worry hugely about MIL'S influence should we separate as DH will have lots of contact with DCS. I've no doubt that she will trample all over his boundaries and his role as their father, I've no doubt she will make every effort to turn DCS against me. But still, is it a reason to stay?

Regarding the with-holding of love and affection and quiet treatment: I genuinely don't think DH consciously realises what he's doing until I pull him up on it.
Recently, we attended a family wedding and 5 days previous to the wedding, he withdrew affection and was very quiet with me. I had no idea what I'd done wrong. At the wedding we were sat around a table with PILS and I bought MIL a drink (along with everyone else at the table). DH then showered me with affection after this and I asked him the day after if he'd been very 'off' with me in the days leading up to the wedding because he was worried I wouldn't communicate well with MIL. He responded

"It was worrying me, so perhaps."

It's this that bothers me, it's so deeply ingrained for him to prioritise MIL'S feelings over mine that he doesn't even know he's doing it. And why wasn't he worried about how MIL may treat me? What does he think of me exactly? I get the feeling he thinks I'm a horrible person for feeling this way about MIL.

You do indeed have a DH problem and personally he is abusive too.

Look up emotional abuse.....silent treatment for days/weeks at a time, major major red flag.

You do realise that this behaviour is already effecting your children don't you? It may well be more financially viable for you to stay but the your and your DC's emotional well being far out ways anything.

You and your DC!

I forgot to add.

I could never be in a marriage where I was the third person. I could never be in one where my MIL's opinion/feelings are prioritised over my own. I could never be in a relationship where I was punished for not falling into line/being the scapegoat or allowing someone to treat me like shit.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and was deeply in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) for many years. I'm not anymore, but it has taken years of LC and therapy to truly see my family for who they are.

You need to ask yourself this, if you stay he may never untangle himself from the FOG or he may not for many more years. Are you willing to wait?

If you are having counselling, have you mentioned this to them?

How on earth did she go to the building society on your behalf? Even with a letter they should not have disclosed any information to her. Did your DH give her authority to do this? If so then you have even more of a DH problem.

I chose in part not to carry on a 5 year relationship due to my partners mother.... The idea of having children with this man who sat back while his mother was vile to me ( not even in a disguised way) filled me with dread...
My DH mother is much nicer but even she has her poking her nose in moments but the difference is my DH steps straight in and tells his mum to pipe down ( politely of course) it's much better, I never get into any conflict, I get to get on with her really well and rightly so he deals with any issues with his family and I do with mine. I wouldn't wish a bad MIL on anyone and I would never put up with a man who wouldn't defend me again

How on earth did she go to the building society on your behalf?

^^^ I was thinking the same thing.

The passive aggressive manipulation and 'I'll only love you if you're good' with 'good' being staying in line and not showing feelings or doing anything that threaten MiL? Your dh is re enacting the tactics that were used on him by MIL as a child. This is his internalised model of how relationships work, it won't be conscious, he grew up with this abuse.

Many men in this position with a personality disordered mother have said they want their wife to be kind of a hand holder, someone to share in experiencing the abuse alongside them, which says at some level they are aware how miserable it is, but fighting it, resisting it or standing upto it is far too threatening. He has been raised in the terror of MiL withdrawing her love if he doesn't stay in line. It isn't rational, she has programmed him. It is a plus he does in the moment come in on your side, even if he loses the plot alone with you afterwards. That suggests you are consciously his priority and first loyalty even if the anxiety and retaliation comes later.

One thing to try is to say directly and firmly as soon as you get the silent treatment or any other passive aggression that no, adults don't treat each other like this, he needs to use his words like a grown up, communicate what's going on and deal with his feelings, and the two of you work it out. You'll be there when he does, but you're not going to deal with passive aggressive acting out and hinting. And then remove yourself, don't give it an audience. You may have to do this a lot initially, this is an ingrained way he deals with stress. But his boundaries are very poor, he hasn't been allowed by MiL to have any, so yours need to be rock solid for both of you.

Sera I wasn't suggesting the OP doesn't leave her husband because finances or because of implications when DH would have the kids as part of a shared custody.

I am advising her to consider her options. Plan her exit instead of rushing into it. Get all her ducks in a row so that she has money on the side. Because if he is a narcistic, he will find ways to withhold money too to make her life difficult.

Also getting proof of MiLs behaviour. So she can negotiate re custody and demand that MIL isn't involved. You just know that she will take over during his time with the kids and try to take over and even turn the kids against OP. Maybe she won't be overtly critical but passively making negative comments.

These are all things to consider because it will deeply affect the kids.

OP what does ur therapist say about all of this?

I also wonder whether there's a cultural issue?

Rumbling, excellent post.Its hard to explain to people who haven't witnessed the 'control' a mother has over her grown children.

"I get the feeling he thinks I'm a horrible person for feeling this way about MIL."
Been there too - despite being as respectful as I possibly could to his parents, as long as I wasn't 100% delighted by their gifts I was horrible. Though he would never have said such a thing to my face I got the pursed lips and rolled eyes. I guess he was never allowed to go against them, so didn't know how to cope if I showed any signs of resistance. When his mother died that sealed in her position as a saint and mine as an evil witch, giving him an excuse for his affair. I feel quite sorry for him in that respect as basically he never had an equal relationship with his parents. Glad I am out of that situation, though, as he wouldn't get help for his problems - because if he had shown any "disloyalty" to his parents by admitting they might not be perfect, then obviously he would be a baddie too. And his parents brought him up to avoid that at all costs.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum, OP. Tell him the truth: that you can't bear it any longer, that you (as a couple) have a problem with the involvement if his mother in the marriage, and that both of you need to deal with it and talk to a professional to try and solve it. Otherwise, you are divorcing him.

Perhaps that will shock him into action. You certainly have nothing to lose now.

This sounds awful. I know you said you believe that he doesn't know he's doing it - I fully believe that he does. The fact he snapped out of it as soon as you bought mil a drink at the wedding proves it. He's punishing you by sulking like a child, and yes, my own DM does the same which is why we rarely see her.

My XH was the same for sulking, I'd even count the number of words he'd say to me during the week in one of his sulks. It was about 15-20.

People like this have to be treated like the children that they are, by remaining calm. He needs to let go of his mummy's apron strings but I'm not sure he wants to.

Sorry to read this OP

We have just had a massive kick off about my MIL. She ran yesterday ranting and shouting at us again because we refuse to give her money. She then resorted to verbally attacking me. Again. Her go to argument.

Biggest difference? My dh looses his cool and shouts at her and defends me. If he didn't, I couldn't see our marriage lasting.

Sorry your dh doesn't look at it that way

Thanks all and spot on rumbling.

I like your advice about not accepting the silent behaviour and I may tell him that I'm not going to spend any time with him until he learns to communicate his feelings rather than give me the quiet treatment. It's not that he doesn't speak, he just removes all affection and only speaks when he needs to. He's affectionate the rest of the time so I really feel it when he does this.

I do worry what will happen when MIL is no longer here, him failing to acknowledge the impact of MIL'S behaviour is likely to put her in a saintly light once she's gone. I doubt he will ever forgive me for the way I see her eventually and no doubt, he'll go off and find someone 'nice' who doesn't have to tolerate MIL!

Can u not call him out on his behavior the min u see him withdrawing? Maybe he suffers from anxiety?