Variation on a theme: am I being sexually unreasonable and how to break the cycle?

[brette]

Recently, my DP of 15 years and I are going through a rough patch. As a result (or symptom?) I am nit into sex and I like to be approached very gently, with subtetly. When he 'jumps' on me, I kind of freeze, then he feels rejected, and he tells me "Don't worry I will not approach you anymore"... Until the next time. I feel I am in no-win situation. What can I do??????????????????????

can you make time just to touch, cuddle? its doesnt have to go further unless you both want etc..
relax into it
bath, massage, that sort of thing..
talkand tell him what you DO want...

dont let it become the way of things ifywim

your acting in the same way many women respind to feeling unloved or taken for granted.

unfortunatly men just don't understand that i quick grope of the breast just doesn't do it for most women.

I would try and explain gently...at a time when he hasn't just tried it on...that you do want to have sex, but that you need to feel loved as well as desired.

On the other hand i do understand your DH's reaction, imagine how you would feel if you tried to "come on" to your DH and he said "no thakns, not tonight"
however much you could see why he said it no doubt it would hurt....and if ithappened frequantly you would start to feel very rejected.

Why dont YOU decide a time when you feel comfortable and try and set a scene that makes you feel more up for some love making.
I know i am going to go against the grain with many mners here but sex is a big part of a relationshoip and if your dh is already feeling rejected by the lack of sex it can't help the other issues youhave going on.

If you make the moves not only does it mean your in control and therefore happy with whats happening, he will see that you are still interested ina physical relationship and you can both enjoy each other.

Yes, that's what I try to explain to him. In theory he's all for it, it will last for a few days and then, back to the old pattern. And that's what makes me even more angry. If I didn't talk about it, I couldn't blame him for doing it the "wrong" way but I have told him so many times... It's despairing...

MamazonAKAfatty, you are very right and I often think about how he must feel rejected. We are stuck in a catch 22 situation and I suppose the only way out is to arrange for some couple-time.

And I agree that sex is a very important issue in a couple, otherwise we wouldn't spend so many threads talking about it...

Talk

We talk. I'm all for talking but when it is a one-way discussion, it is quite frustrating.
And the thing I hate is when he tells me "Don't worry, that won't happen again" Because I feel I am being punished for not accepting something I don't want IFYWIM. And it sucks.

How about you taking the initiative and then ensuring things go at your pace? From what you say, he is the instigator each time, so ring the changes.

Yep you're right. I need to take the lead. And stop blaming him.

er - stop blaming him? from what I can see, you have explained clearly but nicely that pouncing doesn't do it for you but you would respond favourably to a bit of anticipation and warm up. His response is to carry on pouncing, followed by hurt rejection.

Now, I've seen those dog training programmes - if you can teach a dog he will get a bit of chicken if he sits when you say sit, then surely your man is smart enough to have worked out a) what he is doing to make you reject his sexual overtures and b) what he needs to do to get some great nookie.

So why isn't he doing what you have told him you want and need? either he really hasn't understood - maybe you are being too subtle with him and he needs more explicit instructions? OR he is wilfully disregarding your needs - which given you are going through a rough patch may be the case. OR he is in a vicious circle of self-destructive behaviour - pouncing on you to get the rejection that proves that things are bad between you.

Maybe start with the explicit instructions and excellent suggestions in this thread?

"OR he is in a vicious circle of self-destructive behaviour - pouncing on you to get the rejection that proves that things are bad between you."
I find this suggestion very interesting as he is in a weird "don't care about anyhting anymore" phase which, to me, looks like depresssion. He tends not to react to any kind of encouragement from me to try to get some energy and positivity back in his life. It is part of our ongoing struggle at the moment. To me, this attitude towards life is self-destructive (as well as self-indulgent and boring to be around). So maybe the whole "I don't listen to your needs so that everything is shit and then, I can play the victim and you are the dragon... poor me..." Sorry, I am ranting. But still, interesting point, Hiddentreasure.

Seperate beds always sounds likr a great idea to me....