Have I made a massive mistake?

[BitOfBrie]

I've been with DH for 4 years, married 2 and 10 month old DD. He is not abusive in any way, he loves me and our daughter and is in many ways a very good husband.

But since having our daughter I feel like I've fallen out of love with him. We don't have sex anymore (maybe once every 3 months) and he irritates me a hell of a lot. We sometimes have good times but the majority of the time I feel like I've settled for someone who isn't right for me.

There are lots of things I don't like about him that are purely subjective and not serious things like morals, values etc. I guess I used to think that I could see passed them because he is such a good person but now I just find myself wishing I had a husband who dressed a particular way, did X type of things, treated me in a different way, etc.

It's as if I didn't know myself well enough and I had to come this far with him to realise we aren't right together. How irresponsible of me. I don't want to break up our family. Is it possible to learn to be happy in this situation?

I'm aware this is kind of low level stuff and feel guilty for even posting here when others are dealing with such awfulness in their lives. I am at my very lowest though and don't know where to turn.

Is it only your feelings towards your dh that gave changed since you had your dd? Or have you found yourself dissatisfied with other areas?

I feel dissatisfied in general I suppose. I feel like all the decisions I've ever made have been the wrong ones but I wasn't clever enough at the time to see it. I regret most things I've done with my life. I mean, it's not that exactly - I've got married, own a house, have a baby and have achieved things in my career - all things I set out to do. But now I feel like, well all for what? I'm miserable and I wish I had done different things. What I wanted hasn't turned out to be what I hoped and now I'm stuck.

Are you on the same page with parenting and the allocation of household chores? Do you get uninterrupted sleep? Are you back at work?

I find the baby years so utterly, utterly soul destroying and relentless everything and everyone made me unhappy. Do you have hobbies you've been able to maintain?

Did you mean to say morals and values are not serious things, or am I reading it wrong?

I may be completely wrong but you could have post-natal depression that is making you think in such a negative way. Have you talked to anyone outside the family about how you're feeling? Your health visitor perhaps? I didn't recognise PND when I had it.

You're reading it wrong Bubble.

It sounds like you're dissatisfied with life in general and Your DH is an easy target for you to vent your frustrations. Are you on Mat leave? Do you get any time to yourself for hobbies and to see friends? Do you have access to your own money?

I went back to work when DD was 6 months. I love my career well I didn't before I went off on mat leave. It's a very pressured work environment that I could manage before but now I find myself faltering.

I don't think things are shared equally at home. I think he sees it as I "only work part time" - 3 days a week. But I look after our daughter the other 2 and most of the weekend. Plus my work involves a lot of writing up reports, etc in my office at night.

Baby doesn't sleep well and never has. The first 3 months of her life I slept sat up on settee with her on my chest. Only now do I see how dangerous / insane this was. He sleeps in spare room now and i "get the double bed" because I do all the nighttime settling and usually have to have her in with me after about 2am.

As I'm writing this I see how unfair it is and it is clearly a reason for resentment. But I can't seem to tackle it or approach it with him. I have definitely tried to mention a few things and he makes me feel as if I'm asking a lot of him / nagging him (though he never says that).

*did before I went off on mat leave

I do still see my friends once every couple of months but always seem to get anxious when I come away from them and hate myself. I don't enjoy seeing them as much anymore. I don't have time for any hobbies. I used to like walking (proper rambles) and playing my piano. I haven't played it since she was born

How about you go to counselling and try and unravel if the problem is a general dissatisfaction with life or with your h.

If it is your h, you can workout with the counsellor how to say it and maybe have joint counselling.

Sounds like there is something wrong but you aren't sure what it is.

I second counselling and looking into PND. You sound anxious and like you've lost the joy of life.

I was like this with after DD2. It is hard to see what's fair and to ask for help without feeling like a nag, when you're stuck in the sleep deprived drudgery of the first year. It's also hard but essential to carve out time for yourself. Take care OP

I agree that counselling is a good option to help you decide where the sadness and dissatisfaction is coming from.

Young children can zap so much energy from you. As much as you want a child when they arrive, you have this tiny person who is depending on you for everything. As a mum, you find so much if not all of the care falls on you and the love for your partner can easily turn to resentment and hate.

Has your husband mentioned the reduced amount of sex or tried to initiate at all? Are you actually enjoying it when you do get together? Or is it more duty sex.

See your gp or health visitor, I too think you may have PND. Only seeing friends every few months isn't enough either. The first months with a baby are so exhausting, you need to put yourself first, and may need some help via gp.