I've procrastinated long enough. Help me start the conversation?

[TimeToDoIt]

Background: 2 DCs. With DH since we were young. We both have good careers and earn about the same. Nobody's fault but mine, I know, but I've been unhappy for years. We have no interests in common, no friends in common and no sex life. Our life is surface-comfortable and surface-fine but I don't love him any more, and haven't for some time. I'm not bitter or vengeful, there's nobody else, I wish him nothing but good things, but we're not right and I need to start the conversation. I have had counselling (alone) and I am certain I want to end the relationship and do not want to continue in it.

But I am awful at this - such a people pleaser, I find conflict so scary (which I know people who are OK with conflict will find pathetic, but it's just how some of us are wired). So I need to finally be brave now. I'd really appreciate help to find the words.

Oh and I'm terrified of my parents' reaction. But that's secondary.

"I know this is going to be difficult, but I haven't been happy in our relationship for a long time..."

Where do I go from here? I need to keep it about me and my feelings, I don't want to even hint at blaming him because it's not remotely his fault. He's constant and steady and hasn't changed a bit, really - it's me. I had doubts on the wedding day, and should never have married him. It's only counselling that has clarified that for me.

I want us to - eventually - be able to be friendly co-parents. So if anyone has any wisdom for me, I'd be so grateful.

You have to just say it. If you don't love him then that's that, as far as I can say.

I left my 'OK' marriage, no kids but we had been together for ten years. I just didn't love him anymore, if ever. I didn't fancy him, didn't look forward to spending time with him and didn't want to have sex with him. I was done. I had to just be straight with him, no pretences of 'working on it' or 'getting the spark back' and no agreeing to counselling either. Yes it was horrible and it took a long time for him to really accept it. He was, and still is I presume, a lovely guy. I wished him well and hoped for nothing but the best for him, but I couldn't make myself love him, it wasn't fair on either of us.

That was 5 years ago and I am now married to somebody else and it's so so different. I love my husband so much, fancy him and can't wait to see him at the end of the day. We are very happy and I now know what was missing from my first marriage. I'm very very glad I ended it.

Tell him, it takes courage but you owe yourself and him the truth.

He'll be gutted however you tell him, but you need to bite the bullet and explain that your feelings have changed, and he is lovely, but you feel differently. Take responsibility and own the decision. Be 100% sure that it is over, because you can't mess him around. Reassure him over his continuing parenting. Good luck and I wish you both well.

Tometodoit I could have written this post myself, our situations are so similar. We married young, and it was my 1st serious relationship. My reasons were less about parental approval and more about marrying somebody that I thought was the sensible/safe option. All of my previous boyfriends had been idiots that had treat me badly and I thought it was what I wanted.

We're a little bit further along in the process as in December I told him I wasn't happy and I couldn't carry on like this. I didn't tell him how serious it was and couldn't bring myself to tell him I wasn't in love anymore at the time. We've since had one joint session of relate last month where I admitted (after nearly having a panic attack) that I thought the spark had gone and I didn't fancy him anymore. But I still haven't been able to tell him the truth, that I want to separate. Even in the session I had at Relate on my own, I still couldn't bring myself to admit it and skirted around it. Like you, I avoid conflict at all costs and hate to upset people. I'm the ultimate people pleaser and its hard to break the habit of a lifetime.

There's also a tiny part of me that questions my decision and thinks I'm being selfish to throw away a good relationship. I think deep down though that good isn't enough, and he deserves somebody that loves him in the right way. Our DH's sound similar in that they both believe in 'the one'. My DH has told me that even though we're not happy, we don't have sex and I'm horrible to him sometimes that he never questions that we'll be together for ever. He's such a passive person whereas I'm the total opposite.

Sorry this post has been long and rambling, I don't have much advice as I'm still trying to figure things out myself. One thing you might want to consider is having an initial conversation with your DH. Maybe tell him you're unhappy and see what comes of that conversation. I think it would be a real shock for him if the first time you ever talk about this you announce you're leaving. Then a little further down the line you could discuss separation, this might be a little gentler? I think this is the approach I'm going for. Sarahnova has made ne doubt this though as the last thing I want to do is give him false hope. Please keep us posted, its so reassuring to know there are others in this situation.

I was dumped after 20 years for being nice but boring.

Here are my top tips:

1. Don't have an affair.

1. Take responsibility for the decision.

1. Give him time to get his head round it before rushing into custody and financial arrangements. Just because you can see a way for it all to work, doesn't mean he'll agree. He has a right to be part of the decision making process and not when he's in a state of shock.

1. Let him be angry. He'll probably hate you for a while because it's a huge rejection.

1. It took me 6-9 months to get through the initial trauma. Now I'm glad he dumped me because being married to someone who thinks there's something better for them out there is shit. Especially if you're decent and trying your hardest.

1. Don't wait. I wish I'd been dumped sooner. Even though I was happy and would have stayed, I was very committed to the family unit. I now wish I hadn't wasted all that energy trying to make him happy and had been with someone who loved me for who I am. It turns out loads of other people think I'm brilliant and not boring at all

Good luck. It will be awful but if you're decent to him, you'll all get out the other end.

Oh and just tell him. It will be brutal. There's no getting round that. Just say "it's not you, it's me." And try to avoid blaming him even if you want to. If you're definitely leaving, it's all about damage limitation. There's no need to be brutally honest if there's nothing to mend. Keep the endgame of'civilised' in your head all the time!

Running, I could have written your post. Twenty years for me too. It is a kick in the guts. Remember OP that you are processing a future that doesn't include him, so he will need time to catch up, don't rush him.