I've told dh to stop drinking

[reallynotgood]

testing my name change

Okay, dh goes out 3-5 nights a week. Friday is the worst, he binge-drinks like a teenager and then comes home to slag me off. He changes so much when he's drunk - abusive, arrogant, agressive. O/w he is a good dad and our dcs adore him. They came down this morning to find him passed out on the sofa. It's got to the stage now where I dread him coming home, a couple of weeks' ago I wouldn't go downstairs in case he started again, I was too scared, mainly b/c I didn't want the dcs to see/hear anything. When he's sober he is fine - we've been together a v. long time and this problem is a recent one. I told him earlier that he needs to stop drinking but I know he thinks it's fine and I don't think he will believe me if I say I'll leave. This is spoiling everything.

Have you got a camcorder you can set up on a window sill somewhere ?

That is a fine idea LGJ, it might actually work.

Sympathy from me, I would bloody hate this sort of behaviour. he needs to get a grip before he loses everything.

Telling him to stop drinking will not work.

The person who drinks has to want to stop drinking and seek help to do so otherwise they will carry on regardless of who they hurt in the process. Their primary relationship is with drink; absolutely everything else comes a distant second.

What is the root cause/s of the drinking episodes?. Some people drink to forget emotional pain or to block out problems in their lives.

He is not a good Dad if he continues to drink to the detriment of family life. Children are perceptive and will pick up on unhappiness. Its not a good environment for them to be in.

Have you got support for yourself?. Al-anon are there to help families of problem drinkers and they can and will help.

I echo about getting yourself support please. You can speak to alanon for help on the phone for families and they have support meetings too.

Thanks for your replies.

Tbh dh has lost me already, but if he can stop drinking then I'm prepared to stick around and work it out.

Dh is in total denial about his drinking - he even went over the limit when dd1 had a temp of 39.5 - I don't drive so what he thought we'd do if she took a turn for the worse...I said then I thought he had a problem and he got v. defensive and scornful.

I don't know how to get him to see what is happening. I've just printed some stuff off from Nhs Direct to show him, maybe it'll set alarm bells ringing. Am very worried about his reaction though. I hate rowing in front of the dcs but I can't leave it any longer...

This is a direct result of stress - we've had an appalling yr with me and the dcs being ill and a lot of bereavements. But dh also comes from a family of drinkers and he has always been suseptible.

In a way I feel very detached, like this is happening to someone else.

How horrible.

I agree with others that telling him to stop drinking is unlikely to work, unfortunately. He needs to decide to stop. The video camera thing is worth trying, but I suspect you probably will have to leave, to make him stop.

reallynotgood

Your DH being in denial about his drinking is a very bad sign; people with alcohol problems are often mired in denial re their own drinking. I note also that he comes from a family of heavy drinkers; there is evidence to suggest that alcoholism can run in families.

Will DH be willing to talk to CRUSE and have bereavement counselling?.

Your leaving as well may not make him stop drinking, he may well carry on regardless. There are no guarantees. If this is the case you need to act in the best interests of your children and yourself and make this your number one priority. His primary relationship is with drink; absolutely everything and everyone else including your children come a distant second.

It is certainly not an ideal atmosphere to bring the children up in.

Would talk with Al-anon as a matter of course.

I am for you to have to be in the situation.

I volunteered for a long time with a great recovery concept based on CBT/REBT/motivational interviewing techniques as an alternative to AA/Al Anon and they also use what is called CRAFT for concerned significant others. There is alot of work on setting appropriate boundaries and being prepared to follow through with what you say etc, rather than setting ulimatums which in effect are de-motivating for the person at the recieving end. I can sound a bit poncy - but using 'i' statements instead of 'you' statements can make the world of difference -

I feel angry and scared and let down when you drink when you said you wouldnt. I dont like feeling that way. If you choose to carry on drinking, i dont want to be around you and i will make plans to take some time away.

This is just an example, and it can be much more effective than -

If you dont stop drinking, i am leaving.

It also puts your emotional responses back in your control - which can be scary too.

You can hate the behaviour, but still love the person doing it. One of the very first 'swings' in changing an addictive behaviour is for the person to see a change in motivations themselves - drinking is Giving your husband something very beneficial (in his view) at the moment - the balance will tip when the motivation to stop outweighs the motivations to carry on.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but he actually doesnt need to stop drinking - he can and will carry on as long as he likes/is able. There will be a time when he WANTS to stop. That tipping point. In the meantime, there are lots of things you can to for YOU to protect your own boundaries and life without making absolute demands on his.

Sorry if this is long, but having worked with and been part of a peer support group for those with addictive behaviours, i know that its possible to stop without believing you are diseased/need to rely on something more powerful than yourself. And the same for those loved ones that this affects so hugely.

It sounds like he is the precontemplation Stage of Change - that he doesnt see there is a problem. This is Ordinary and not conscious 'denial'. Stages of Change work is fascinating and it helps those around someone who is addicted to a maladaptive behaviour understand how it feels for them, too.

Please check out this - CRAFT for you and perhaps SMART Recovery for your husband.

You mentioned that it is a recent problem - how recent? And when you say it is a result of stress is there anything in particular that is bothering him?

Thanks everyone.

Squidette, that makes perfect sense to me, in fact I already use 'I' statements with the dcs! I know that I have pushed dh out of my life since having our dcs, to the extent that I kicked him out of bed and replaced him with first dd1 and then dd2. For a while I didn't care where he was. Now I do, maybe I've left it too late. Very often I listen to myself and think I wouldn't want to be anywhere near me, so why should he? I'm not saying any of this is an excuse, but it is a reason.

However, Pages, the heavy drinking has been a recent thing, dating back to last summer. Although the stressful situation is gone in the sense that we are all well, any minor illness triggers memories of that time. I get v. anxious which dh find frustrating. And he has had more bereavments to deal with than me - the latest only last weekend - that will be four funerals in a couple of months. Plus his dad is v. ill...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink - no pun intended.

I stopped killing myself w/drink only when I decided I didn't want to die that way.