Is it me?

[RicketyRoo]

This might be long, I need to get my thoughts down and make sense of them.

DH is the perfect modern husband in many respects. He cooks, pops out to the shops if we need something, gets the hoover out, changes the bed linen, looks after our DC... he generally jumps straight in to help... And it all sounds wonderful on paper, but the reality feels slightly different…

If I start to do anything (get the ironing board out, make some toast…) he's there trying to finish the job for me. If I'm going out during the day he'll want to give me a lift, even though he says he's really busy with work and doesn't have enough time to get everything done. I just find it really odd and I feel like he treats me like a child.

He does everything for his teenage children and won't let me do anything for them. Actually on reflection, all he does is cook for them and ferry them around, they've never really spent much time together. I offer to help out with lifts to friends, cleaning their rooms, but no, he has to do it. I've given up.

And whilst he looks after our DC some days when I work, as soon as I step through the door, he's off to cook or look at his phone. If I ask him to keep an eye on our DC he's more than happy to, but I have to ask. I feel like I'm just the babysitter when I'm around - he does the cooking/working/reading, I'm left to entertain our DC.

I'm the only one that arranges any kind of activity or social event for us or the kids. I'm always the last to know whether his kids are with us or not (never met the exW), I just feel like a lodger in my own home.

Things aren't great between us (financial issues). He never complains about anything, which I find unnerving because there must be plenty of things I do that wind him up. I feel bad if I ask him to drain the sink or to put things away after him (abandoned DIY attempts) - I offer to clean up after supper but he's always very insistent that he does it, but all he does is load the dishwasher. Everything else just gets left. If I say anything, he just goes quiet. Again, I've given up asking and either just live with it or do it myself regardless.

Why is he like this? I can't work out what's going on. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, because no one else on MN seems to have this problem!

Because he adores and respects you.

That would drive me crackers. My sisters exH was a bit like this, he's a lovely guy but has martyrish tendencies and used to do everything round the house and loads with the girls but then be a bit 'side-eye' about it to my sister.

She ended up feeling like a crap mother and wife because he would never let her do anything. She ended up having a messy affair and leaving him and she's never been happier.

So he does too much, but not the right stuff?

I am a bit confused. Quite honestly if I have been at home with the kids all day, I am dying to do something else and leave the kids to dh while I cook, do laundry etc.

He is happy to have sometime with the kids after being out all day. I certainly don't just think he is a baby sitter.

But you also says he does loads with the kids, so he can't think of you as just a babysitter.

He loads the dishwasher and leave what out? Again, we load the dishwasher and put everything else in when it's done.

You sound unhappy, but as though you don't really know why.

Doing a lot around the house or doing things for your partner doesn't mean you think they are a child.

Maybe his ex wife complained that he wasn't hands on and he's trying to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Is there no time that you could actually just clean the bedrooms rather than offer to do it when he's around? Or does he follow you around 24/7? If so then do it when he's out.

If you know it needs doing then just get on and do it.

If he jumps in to offer you a lift then tell him you're fine to get there yourself and don't need a lift. My other thought on this is whether he's trying to keep tabs on you.

I have to say I'd love to have your problem.

If that's all you have got to worry about, I wouldn't worry

Wobbly has got it. It's like he won't let me do things. He doesn't respect or think to ask what I might actually want to do. Things have to happen to his plan. I don't think he's keeping tabs on me, but sometimes it feels like it.

He brings tea up to us in bed in the morning. Fabulous! Except he gets to drink it peacefully and read his phone while I have to deal with a lively toddler who obviously has no interest in sitting in bed so I can drink tea. I just think why bloody bother with the tea. It feels like an empty gesture.

Loading the dishwasher - he thinks he's tidied up if he's done that, despite the oven being covered in crap and food on the worktop. I then have to deal with it when I come down in the morning.

I feel really fortunate that he is so hands on, but recently I have started to wonder why things always have to be his way. I know I must sound really ungrateful. It's hard to explain.

Do you ever raise how you feel to him?

Yes I have, but he just goes quiet and won't talk.