Worried about Girlfriend going away for 3 weeks

[user1469724650]

My girlfriend goes away with the scouts (she's been a scout since she was a baby) they're camping abroad for 3 weeks & everyone else will be adults there (kind of a mini jamboree). I'm worried because I'll miss her like crazy whilst she's gone, I also worry that some of the guys will try to flirt with her and try and sleep with her, I do trust her as much as I can but I'm not a very trusting person. I'm a little worried that after a couple of weeks if she's getting on with a guy really well maybe her feelings will fade a bit and she'll be taken in the moment (so to speak).

I know it's not something I should worry about as if it happens, it happens and there's nothing I can do about it, but that doesn't stop my mind from taking me there.

She's going with a guy that likes her (romantically) and has done for years ( I don't see him as much of a threat as he's a little odd & not much of a looker) but still not keen on that idea either.

And lastly I'm just a bit down about the whole thing, she's gone for 3 weeks & we've not been apart more than 4-5 days at a time since we've been together. I'm just going to really miss her (pathetic, I know).

To give you some context on our relationship, we're completely in love with each other, have planned our kids names etc. Talk about marriage and being together for life, been on holidays together & we're best friends. I just worry about losing it all.

have any of you had long holidays away from your partner & how did you cope?

Well, I wouldn't say ignore them OP because those who are saying it, do so for a reason. As I pointed out, trust issues in relationships can point at, or descend into unequal relationships, so those previous posters have valid points also - I'm just saying people shouldn't jump to conclusions too hastily

But the valid points previous posters have highlighted is why it's really important for you to address why these issues are important to you and how to overcome them, without becoming that person who engages in unhealthy boundaries within a relationship because you find it hard to trust. You may do so within a short period of time in the loving relationship, or you may require external help via a therapist. Either is fine.

I'm not ignoring the ones telling me that I'm being stupid and need to change, I agree! But to the couple of people who said she should get out of there, I'm not controlling and tell her what she can and can't do I just tend to worry and then think about it (I'm not perfect & this is my biggest weakness). But 100% agree I need to resolve my issues.

REad up on attachment styles op

Yours might be anxious preoccupied in your attachment style.

ps, is it specifically that you don't trust her/
or that you are just anxious at the distance and uncertainty ?

May I gently recommend the book "codependency, loves me, loves me not"?

My husband and I did long distance for 8 months at the beginning believe me a few weeks away she will come back having missed you, whatever u do mind don't bombard her with texts while she is away. One text on an evening saying hope she has had a nice day etc and a phonecall every 3 or 4 days is what we do when my husband goes away cycling with the boys. X

My boyfriend has just gone away to Europe for a few weeks on tour so I do have some empathy for you OP!

However, you may not be able to control how you feel but you can certainly control what you do. So try not to be whiny and obsessive and text her incessantly, as PPs have said use this as an opportunity to hang out with other friends and remind yourself you have more in your life than this relationship 😊 I'm sure she'll miss you and be excited to see you. Clinginess, while understandable, isn't an attractive trait.

OP, can you reframe your worry from 'I don't trust you,' to 'I feel insecure and feel anxious that you are away fro three weeks'?

The first statement implies that your gf is unfaithful and unreliable though you've given us no evidence of this. The second statement shows that the problem is yours and yours alone. You can work on this and have had good advice above. However, be very careful because if she thinks you don't trust her and are resentful of her other interests and friends she will almost certainly begin to fall out of love with you.

This is something you can change if you are prepared to do some serious work on yourself.

See the 3 weeks as an opportunity. Reconnect with old friends, pursue your interests & fill your life with things you want to do. Moping around at your age would be ridiculous, have a brilliant time yourself

I bet she's got tons of bandages if she's been in the scouts since babyhood

Thanks again for the replies, to answer some of the recurring statements/questions: You may be right and it could be more of an anxious insecurity rather than distrusting her, i haven't actually mentioned my worries to her because I didn't want to sound clingy and overbearing, I've been very positive about the whole trip & have been reassuring her that she'll have fun (she doesn't want to go now as it was booked a year ago & would cry whenever she'd talk about it, in the past day before going).

I will definitely be seeing my friends as I normally do, go to the gym, maybe continue writing my book, & trading shares. She goes today and I'm sat a little solemn in the back of the taxi on the way to work but your comments have been helpful and have reassured me that I'm being an idiot.

Thanks

Not sure why I used to word solemn, I meant deflated.. It's early okay

Blimey OP if you've had 6 yrs of casual sex I hope you're using condoms and have had/will have an STI test!

Yeah had one just prior to our relationship and I'm all clean, it was from 15-21 & I was waiting for the right girl to actually take it further than sex & this girl turned out to be so lovely & we get on like best friends so I had to make it a real relationship

well 3 weeks is a long time. Id miss my dp if he went away for 3 weeks, but ultimately youre young and dont have children and she is right to continue with her hobbies. I dont think this puts your relationship at risk, but trying to stop her going will make her more likely to resent you.

I think maybe if youve spent 6 years sleeping around, then your own skewed perception is that more people are having casual promiscuous sex than is actually true. Youre projecting your own views about sex onto her, and thats not fair at all.

Give her your blessing, and dont be weird about it. Find other things to do to pass the time. Maybe go away for a break yourself with some friends if you can

I think my main thing is we won't have any contact because she can't charge her phone or anything like that (not that I'd want to text her all day everyday, but a text here and there would be nice) I did tell her it would be good & she'd have fun & she was the one saying it wouldn't be and she didn't want to go aha

Hi OP, in the nicest possible way, if I were your girlfriend going off for three weeks and I knew that I was your first girlfriend after six years of casually sleeping around, I might be anxious that you were going to return to your past behaviour. It doesn't sound as if she's done anything to warrant any lack of trust so, as PPs have said, this is your assumption that people sleep around if they have any opportunity to do so .... perhaps some do, but an awful lot don't.

Have a good time during your three weeks apart, allow absence to make the heart grow fonder etc and enjoy your reconciliation upon her return.

Yeah I suppose she could well have those worries but I really don't want anybody else, I don't even look at other girls to be honest, because they're not her & yeah I'll enjoy the next few weeks, thanks a lot x

I think time apart Is healthy for relationships, she might not want to go because she will miss you but ultimately she should go and you should use this time to have fun or do things with your mates that you wouldn't normally do. Life doesn't stop when you are in love.

Autonomy is important.