Hi everyone! Long time lurker and first time poster here, desperately in need of advice! Apologies for the mammoth post. I'm wondering if any posters have experience of living with elderly parents.
Some background - DH and I are in our mid-forties and have been married 4 years. I have a 10 year-old DS from a previous relationship, we live in London. DH runs his own business from home.
We live in a small, expensive rented flat and haven't been able to get on the property ladder since we married. DH was unable to work for a long time following a serious accident, which wiped out all our savings. House prices have doubled in 4 years and the average price of a 3 bed house around here is ?300,000. Our income is now well above average, but we still couldn't afford that sort of mortgage.
My mother, who is nearly 80, lives alone in a 15 room house in a very beautiful part of the country. She has refused to move to a smaller property since my father died 14 years ago. She is still as sharp as a needle, but is becoming increasingy frail and has mobility problems. The house is in a bad state of repair, but she lacks the energy or will to do anything about it although she is quite well off. She has admitted she can no longer cope with the house, or the upheaval of moving.
My only brother and his family are emigrating this year. We suggested it would be to everyone's benefit if we moved in with her. Over the last 3 years I have nursed her 3 times (for about 5 months in total) while she was bedridden following operations. We normally spend about 2 months a year with her, helping sort the house out etc. I sacrificed a summer holiday with DH and DS last year to accompany her abroad to see her own family (possibly for the last time) because she couldn't manage the trip unattended.
We have offered to pay her ?500 per month to occupy the unused attic bedrooms and convert another room used for storage into an office for DH. We have also offered to undertake repairs, re-decorate, pay for domestic help and organise her shopping etc. There are 2 kitchens in the house, plus another 4 rooms (a huge living room, dining room and 2 other spare double bedrooms) which are only used when family come to visit, so we wouldn't exactly be under her feet all the time.
My mother reluctantly agreed to this plan but has said repeatedly that she "won't like it" and has now imposed a great many conditions including:
. She wants to monitor our financial affairs - we have to clear all our debts (about ?6,000 cards/bank loan) and agree to save at least 50% of our income.
. She wants the right to inspect our bedrooms because we are messy and "leave clothes lying around", and "keep the rooms too hot" (the attic rooms are unheated and the house is freezing and damp!).
. Last but not least, I now have to get psychiatric counselling and preferably medication before we move in because I had a row with DH at Xmas (which she unfortunately overheard) and am obviously mentally unstable.
We love her to bits, and she has been very generous to us when times were hard, but she has always been critical and controlling. I left home 25 years ago, have had a successful career, run my own home for years, try to be a good daughter, and am still treated like a difficult, incompetent and irresponsible teenager.
Is my beloved mama taking the piss?