Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Changing DC name

47 replies

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 16:43

NC for this.

Just looking for some opinions really.

DP left 6 months ago. DC has his name. We were engaged for 8 years, but it never happened. Think that was always his plan.

I'm getting increasingly bothered by the fact that I now and will always have a different surname to my child.

DC and I just returned from holiday and I was questioned when coming back into the country about our relationship, because we have different surnames. It was embarrassing and really quite upsetting to have to answer these questions and to have my child questioned as to who I was.

I know I should have taken his birth certificate with me, but it was my first holiday as a lone parent and in the chaos of getting me and a toddler organised for the holiday, it just slipped my mind.
It really bothers me that I should have to take a piece of paper with me proving that he is my child.

My question is this: would I be unreasonable to broach the subject of changing his name with ex? He has joint PR so I know he has to agree to it.

Is this something that anyone else has done? How did you feel about doing it? I was treated attrociously and I fucking hate him, but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Missgraeme · 27/07/2016 19:49

I changed my daughters surname when her dad was on her birth certificate. I was told he would have to take me to court and try and make me change it back. (he didn't) if the judge deemed it in their best interests it would be as u wish.

Original poster

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 19:50

Change my name to the name of the man who left me up shit creek financially and pays a pathetic amount of money to 'support' his child? the man who left me days after I miscarried our child?

No thanks.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 27/07/2016 20:34

*I honestly think once a child has a name it's theirs until they are old enough to change it themselves. Change yours if you're not happy.

If the child was in school and using their surname maybe I'd agree with this, but a toddler really doesn't know any different.

The mother has had her surname for longer as well. She has more documents in her name. It makes sense for the child to change their name IMO.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/07/2016 20:39

I would ask him ASAP whilst the shitty things he did are fresh in his mind and he hopefully has a shred of guilt about him.

Maybe sell it to him that the children live full time with you, so makes sense for you to have the same name, that obviously when you named them, it was with the understanding that you too would have the name- now that will never happen it makes sense to give them your name.

Keep asking, hopefully he will say yes first time, but if you bring it up regularly, you might just wear him down!

I absolutely would want to change their names if I were to find myself in your position. As it is, if I were to ever divorce my husband, I would desperately want to change their names back to my maiden name. I think it's a natural thing to want.

coragreta · 27/07/2016 20:46

My mum changed my name when I was six. It caused a lot of hassle because they don't keep a record of name changes. I remember asking my mum at the time if i could double barrel, so I would suggest that as an alternative.

Just so you know my mum changed it without my dads permission and then got a court order to change it back. She did change it back but didn't tell me. Hence all the hassle five years ago when I got married.

UpsidedownDog · 27/07/2016 20:59

On what basis would the court grant you permission to change their names?

It depends on the circumstances. For instance, the court would more than likely grant a name change if the DC's father was a paedophile. This could be because there is an increased rick of DC getting bullied at school, if their name is associated with their dad and the crime they committed. I'm sure there will be other mitigating circumstances in which a court would grant a name change, but I can't think of any ATM as my brain has just produced it's last dying fart (am very tired TBH).

UpsidedownDog · 27/07/2016 21:00

increased RISK

Brain farts are awesome. They make you talk shite sometimes

springydaffs · 27/07/2016 22:45

In the interim you could change his name, just not officially. ie at the gp surgery, nursery etc. Known as. Then when the time comes to change it officially you can say he's been known as Blah since he was 6 months old. Not sure if that is crap advice though.

Ikwym about the surname giving you the wobbles. I still have to endure that wretched name but now it's my kids' name and I don't associate it at least not immediately with the revolting ex.

ladylambkin · 27/07/2016 22:51

My kids have their Dad's name, it doesn't make me think of him...it's their name, a big part of who they are. Luckily I have no trouble travelling with them 3 different surnames)

Onmyownwith4kids · 27/07/2016 23:06

I felt exactly the same as you but put up with it. Then my oldest son who was 13 changed his name to mine. Didn't discuss it with me just did. He can't make it official till 16 but the younger ones also refer themselves by my name. I had a rant from my brother about denying my ex his 'manly rights' but he's seen the kids three times in a year. I love the fact we are all referred to by the same name now so really understand how you feel.

springydaffs · 27/07/2016 23:21

About ten years ago when my boy was teen he couldn't open a bank account (in high street banks) because he and I have different surnames.

Cabrinha · 28/07/2016 07:41

Separate to changing the name, I think it would help to work on your attitude.

My daughter has her father's name, I don't. We were married but I didn't want to change mine - why would I, it's my name! When she was born, I decided his was the nicer sounding name and used that. Now we're divorced.

Last time we went through passport control we had a right old chat, lots of questions. She got asked if she was happy to have been with me today. I was laughing at that and told the border officer that that could have gone wrong as I'd refused her an ice cream earlier and was not in her good books! They're doing a job. There is nothing embarrassing about it. My daughter chirps "that's my mummy but I have daddy's name". I now carry a copy of all 3 of our passports, her birth certificate and a joint permission letter that both parents have a copy of. It is no big deal and it is not embarrassing.

Sure, the link to a nasty ex is annoying - I do feel that sometimes! But there's absolutely no reason to be emotional at passport control. Just carry his birth certificate and answer the questions.

Cabrinha · 28/07/2016 07:42

Oh and I had no problem opening a bank account for her, with her birth certificate. Natwest.

Original poster

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 28/07/2016 07:46

Thank you for all the replies

It galls me that it's me supporting DC, yet because ex decided to walk out, he gets to keep the name.
I'm paying the large mortgage to get him into a good school, (along with everything else he needs) I do all admin - doctors, dentists etc, everything that requires organisation, forethought and form filling and here I am having to write his name every time.

Pisses me off.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 28/07/2016 07:52

AFAIK You can change your child's name for everything like school, doctor, dentists etc

No one will bat an eyelid , people do this all the time .

Just not their passport and things like that . So it only matters when you book flights, holidays abroad etc

Original poster

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 28/07/2016 07:53

I wasn't 'emotional' at passport control.

I had stepped off the plane exhausted and most importantly elated that I had managed to do this trip on my own, so soon after our family was broken up. What happened at the passport desk just knocked me back a bit.

And my attitude is what it is at this current time as I am coming to terms with my life being blown apart. Jesus.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 28/07/2016 08:00

Cabriha - just because it doesn't both you, doesn't mean it shouldn't bother the OP

I know it's just a name but it's symbolic . Many people find it upsetting.

KittyKrap · 28/07/2016 08:08

I totally get having to write the surname out thing. I left my XH but he was EA so seeing his name gives me the rage! My eldest wanted my maiden name from when he was 12 (told him to tell his dad by text, cue huffing and puffing - YOURE NO SON OF MINE, shite) we eventually changed it at 15 but really didn't have to do much. I was asked for XHs address (which I didn't have on me) so as far as I'm aware he still doesn't know. DS is 18 now.

How would your ex take it if you asked him? Even if you explained how much easier it'd be at passport control?

Cabrinha · 28/07/2016 08:10

You say you weren't emotional, but your OP said you were "embarrassed" and found it "really quite upsetting". That's why I thought you'd said you were emotional.

I'm sorry if I came across as suggesting that you had a 'bad' attitude or one that wasn't understandable. It is understandable. But I still think that if you can't change his name, you can work on changing your attitude. Reframe how you see that name. I don't see it as my XH's name (much!). I mostly see it as her name. That's something that gets easier in time. If I say "Child Cabrinha" in my head, it just doesn't sound like her at all! She is "Child XH", except the XH bit makes me think of her, not him.

Original poster

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 28/07/2016 08:48

Thanks Cabrinha, I do see what you mean, what I meant was that I felt a bit upset inwardly.

Just wish we could double barrall, it would sound a sooo daft though.

I need to think note about this and carry on healing I think, so I can make a more rational decision.
I didn't know it was possible to change names at school and docs etc without officially changing it, so that could be an option I guess.

I'm not sure how ex would react tbh. Gut feeling is that he would say no way.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 28/07/2016 09:05

The upside of the common surname is that at least it isn't only your ex's!

My XH is an arse and his name (and my child's name) is really unusual, I've never come across another

Honestly, it does get easier

springydaffs · 28/07/2016 23:09

My kids are grown and I suppose I really resent that they go by THAT name. When to all intents and purposes I have been their overriding parent throughout their lives.

iiwy I'd change it. I honestly don't see what the deal is - just change it. yy you'll have to deal with sulky ex but hopefully that won't be too much bother if you adamantly want it changed.

Flip

1 2