This is long. I apologise. However, it's more for my benefit than that of anybody else. I want to be able to look back and tick things off. I have posted regularly under another name, but suspect that name may be monitored so if you recognise, please don't allude to the other name. Thank you.
I have been emotionally abused for many, many years. At the moment, and it's taken time; an exit plan is in place. It's not the exit plan I want (the ugly bit is I want my house to be left in a decent state and it won't be, I want some things that are mine, they will be deliberately destroyed or removed) I am learning to live with this. My sanity is more important.
He has been arrested and cautioned and goodness, and foolishly we let him come home. I paid for that big time, he somehow managed to be the victim in all of this. It was absolute torture for him (his words)! Me, I just quietly posted here, until one or two folk, quite understandably, said enough, do something for the sake of dds, I got worried and stopped posting because I couldn't tell if I was pissing people off! Dds do not want to move, but don't want to be left with him and have asked me to wait until they go off in September to uni. Fair enough. They each have disabilities that make life harder for them than your average teen.
Some days I feel as though I'm barely hanging onto my sanity. I know now that most of what he's told me about his past is a lie. I know that he believes the things he said did happen, equally, I know they didn't. I know how he messes with my head and the more I think about it the worse I get. There are things that have happened that occasionally I get a picture of in my head and I have to box it up immediately because I know, should I follow it, I will go under. (Just out of interest, can anyone tell me, is this what's called a 'flashback')? That's one of the worst bits. I can picture what was going on in every single detail. I have denied this to everybody, including myself for so many years.
I have been bullied, nagged, harassed and hassled for stuff over the years, I have given in. I do everything, I mean he will sometimes do the dishwasher three days in a row, meaning of course that he's been doing it forever! I still have to be grateful for jobs he did ten years ago. He has cooked maybe 30 meals in over 20 years. He doesn't know how to use the washing machine, cooker, tumble dryer, iron. He's never done a school run because he doesn't do mornings. I have lain in a hospital bed and heard him screaming at my daughters about what lazy cunts they are on the other end of the phone. This he 'tidies up' if that makes sense, he just wanted them to tidy up for when I got home. However, it was 7.30 in the morning and they'd not got to bed until 4 because they were waiting to hear whether or not it was a heart attack.(it wasn't, funnily enough, it was stress) Beside the point, apparently. Things are always 'tidied up' to fit his narrative, although he claims that in my police statement I re-wrote history, changed the narrative.
I want to go, I will go. I will be me. Me is someone who used to be funny, and clever and had friends and choices. I think I was nice, I think I was quite witty, I know I was intelligent and read a lot. Oh to read a book without interruption, without being forced to analyse it. Oh to watch a television programme that isn't intellectual, yes, I liked to watch rubbish on occasion, that was me.
I'd like to be able to sing again, without criticism. I'd like to play an instrument again without someone having to be better than me. Or cleverer than me, or more erudite than I. I'd like to not be scared. I'd like to know that when everything is alright, it will remain so, not just last a couple of weeks. I'd like things not thrown back in my face years and years later. I would like not to be blamed for everything that has gone wrong in his life, but I'd also like not to be responsible for his happiness. Does that make sense, I've tried finishing it, that resulted in threats of suicide because he can't manage without me, and threats to me, me calling the police again and the police being bloody useless in that instance. I'd like to be me, sitting quietly, looking out on a garden with a good book and a glass of wine. I have never written so much about what I want. I'm sorry, the pictures were in my head and I needed to get them out. This seemed like a way of doing it.