This isn't me, is it? Some perspective needed please

[WonkyCastle]

I am in an unhappy marriage. I have told H I want to split, but for various reasons, this is not happening right now.

H has been controlling both emotionally and financially throughout our relationship, and circumstances have ground me down to such a point I am not even sure who is being unreasonable anymore.

So, tell me straight please.

I have been ill, quite seriously (not life threatening or anything, but properly in bed ill) for the past week. I have been in a serious amount of pain, and have only got up to go to doctors/A&E.

H has been grudgingly doing stuff with the children, but only the barest of day-to-day stuff in the house, so no laundry, no general tidying of toys etc, hasn't got food in, etc.

H took Monday off work (he is very busy, and I do understand it's not ideal, but I ended up at A&E Monday evening, so not exactly doing it for fun!) but was grumpy and huffy about it. He barely interacted with the dc, just gave them iPads/to all day (I am not particularly bothered by this, except it bothers dd1, who has severe ASD, as she feels ignored and left out). He got snarky when he had to cancel a dinner arrangement, which, a sit turns out was with friends not a business dinner

By Tuesday, when I still couldn't get up and get on with life, H was seriously annoyed. apparently it was very inconvenient, he was busy, meetings etc, he dismissed my rising temperature ('that's hardly anything to worry about') and tried to not pay attention to the fact that I'd been physically sick (temp and vomiting meant I had to go back to see doctor), as he clearly didn't want to stay at home again. He did, with bad grace, and again the children were practically ignored all day (3 dc, ages 12, 9 and 4, all with ASD)

At 3pm he stomps upstairs, calling out that he is off to the shops, and do we need anything (how would I know, I'd not been 'up' for over 4 days at that point). I had been asleep (first comfortable sleep I a. Couple of days), and was startled awake, jolted uncomfortably, and couldn't settle again. He also tells me he 'has to' go out that evening, as had an immovable dinner appt. he had to leave by 4.30. So just over an hours notice for me to get up, sorted, and ready to look after the children.

Oh, and dd2 was at a friends, he hadn't arranged a pick up time, but thought it was my duty, rather than getting friends mum to drop her off, and there wasn't anything in for tea for dd1 or ds.

I somehow made it through the evening, got dd2 dropped home (no way could I have picked her up, wasn't safe to drive), and went back to bed.

Awoke this morning to H packing - he is away now until Friday, on a corporate jolly. No question he would cancel and stay, despite me not being fit to look after the children. He hasn't even offered it verbally. I have found an email he sent late last night (oddly following on from an email outlinung a rare and serious issue that could be what I have, medically) saying if I need to I should call him and he will come home - it's a corporate jolly. He will go, have a drink or three, and be in no state to drive home at the drop of a hat. That's if he even answers the phone to me, tbh.

So, I am left at home, with 3 disabled dc, who are climbing the walls as their routines have gone out of the window over the last week, p,is being worried about me being ill, there's no food in the house, H has fucked off until Friday (no idea what I'm supposed to do if I need to go back to hospital/doctors).

Oh, and ds has no clean pants, apparently. Which is also my fault. He actually woke me this morning to ask where ds' 'spare' pants are. Umm, in the cupboard, along with the rest of his clothes, maybe? H: 'well, in that case, he hasn't got any, they must all be in the wash' Yes, I expect they are, since he hasn't bothered to do any washing over the last week.

The bit that's got me, is that I am actually wondering whether I am unreasonable in expecting him to have not fucked off for 3 days without even checking whether I am capable of looking after the dc for the rest of the week. I knew I'd been putting up with a lot of shit, but that really takes the biscuit, doesn't it? I am so far bloody gone, that I am blaming myself for not being able to do it, rather than him for not stepping up and looking after the dc/inconveniencing himself by cancelling a few days away. That's pretty extreme, isn't it?

I need some straight talking, before I end up just getting in with it all. As I always do, and minis I sing how bloody shit he is being.

If you divorce him, perhaps the settlement he has to pay you will finance proper help?

I am glad I don't know this man, because if I did there is nothing on earth strong enough to prevent me from battering him. Vile sub-species of insect .

Please get him out of your lives? I bet you can keep the house and make him go. Then you should qualify for home help and care packages etc.

That's just awful. I wouldn't be emailing him to come home, I'd be emailing him to not bother coming home. But I know its not that straightforward.

Do you have a MAST Multi Agency Support Team that you can call, might be worth knowing if they can help in an emergency, or generally?

I struggle with 1 sn child. Luckily my hubby is very hands on with the kids and will cancel everything and anything if I need him to (he may sulk about it tho)
Your hubby sounds like a right arse.
What part of the country are you in as if you are near me I would come round and help you and help with the kids.
Have to say I am worried for you and your health xx

The point would be to 'paper trail' his reaction to your situation. You'd be better off without him, he is a hindrance not a help.

We don't have any kind of multi disciplinary team/package at all. Which is ridiculous, I know.

Dd1 hasn't had any support (other than a fantastic school package) since we moved when she was 6. Not seen a paed since, never had OT, etc. Never had any kind of social worker.

Dd2 was dx's privately, so has never been on any 'official' lists.

Even ds, who was only dx'd at the end of last year, was immediately signed off. I expressed surprise at that, since he is still under Early Years care (was 3 when he was signed off), but due to outsourcing, that's how it is done in my area. Next step is to wait for him to start school, then school can reapply for whatever they need. Big waste of time.

Essentially, even with 3 disabled children, we fall through the cracks.

This thread is part of my 'paper trail'. I have been keeping a list of ridiculously objectionable things he has done, just this year, so that I don't 'go blank' when trying to remember stuff, as so much of it is just everyday 'normal' for him.

We would definitely all be better off without him here day to day. I need to summon the energy to do something about it. I cannot face the bitterness and awful behaviour that will follow. I don't want to be blamed, for the next however ling, for how I broke up the family, how I wrecked everything, how I took H for everything. I have no interest in doing so, but o do need it to be fair for the dc. H has consistently not 'allowed' (as in, he agrees to me doing it, but then does nothing to help me achieve it) me to retrain, do any kind of course, or anything. So much is not possible due to dd1's needs. But it never will be possible, either, since he is not going to suddenly start pulling his weight.

I can't believe a human being can be so cruel and nasty, my god, you are seriously ill and he is pissed off about it and pissed off at having to look after his own children, and instead of realising what a pig he is he then fucks off and leaves you alone, unforgiveable, use this as your strength to get away from him, he is no good, he's a nasty piece of shit that you don't need in your life, he's got nothing to offer you other than verbal crap, that's not a relationship OP.

It's not you. Marraige vows include in sickness and health. He is not showing these signs unfortunately. I understand how you feel I am back and forth to the Dr and a and e. It's draining for both parties but in your case he should be realising how poorly you are and If his work trip was important to get some support for you or secondly cancel the trip. Have you got a good friend that can come over or take your kids out.