How do I behave with mil?

[pigsinmud]

I'm new to mumsnet - only posted a couple of times -so hi. I've had problems with my mil since my first child was born 8.5 years ago. We now have 4 - youngest is 7 months. Dh doesn't get on with her either. Before ds1 was born she wanted me to sign a contract with her which would give her access to see grandchild if dp and me split up ! Needless to say I laughed at her.
Since then there have been loads of problems with her. She is very controlling and demanding. She lives a 4 hour drive away and comes to stay about 1 weekend a month, which I think is plenty. Anyway last Summer she wanted us to go and stay a week with her - we refused and said we'd like to come for 3 nights. She sent an email saying she didn't want any contact with us for 6 months because the situation was too painful. To cut a long story short she is coming tomorrow for the day with dh's sister. Dh went to meet his mum the other week and neither of them mentioned what she'd done - aaaahhh!His sister was there then too.
I don't know how to behave. I am so angry with her. She got dh's sister to sort everything out and apparently she thinks what she did was understandable.... we still don't know why.When she cut off contact we had a 4 week old baby. Dh seems to have lost his anger and reverted to being scared of her. Help - I'm so wound up!

sounds a bit like my mil. your dh has to put his foot down and air his grievances , if only to clear the air. tell him to be brave and have it out with her. she' only do more of the same if she gets away with it.

I'm afraid I would just act as though nothing had happened! Dont lower yourself to her level. Be polite and let her enjoy the children. the visit will soon be over. You dont need to contact her again..leave all the running to her!

my mil is the same but not to me to my sil
she wanted her to sign that she would never divorce her son WTF
Luckly by the time i met dh they were married and my dh was the black sheap anyway so she loves me
she still doesnt get on with sil

Auntymandy - I want to do that, but I also want to do what noonar suggested! I feel like she's got away with her behaviour for years. If I bring the subject up of why she ignored us for 6 months - I feel like I'm the baddy especially if I get a bit worked up. On the other hand I want her to have a bit of a hard time ... I'm so keen to say that I don't want to see her for 6 months
But I also want it to look to her as though I'm completely cool with the situation and that not seeing her for 6 months didn't bother me at all - it didn't in the sense that we had no stress each month!
I have never felt frustrated and angry.

To a certain extent, it's not up to you to say anything. This is your dh's mother, not yours, and it's up to him to stand up to her. If you start on her, it will be something she will resent for ever and you will never hear the last of it.

Your dh needs to put his foot down, and stand up for you and his children. Apart from that I'm with auntymandy - rise above it, don't say anything, let her see the children ... but don't go out of your way to contact her again. Let her do the running, and let dh develop a bit of backbone.

I think you need to let go of your understandable frustration and annoyyance at your MIL. If she stops "getting" to you, then she stops being able to "control" you.

There a re a number of threads re "Toxic Parents" - do a search, and there is also a book that is apparantly very good.

You know you can't rely on her, Remember she is the one that has to ask you (you and dh) for contact with the faimily. SHe cuts off her nose to spite her face every time she "withdraws" contact. I know it also upsets you - you'll want your kids to have a relationship with thier grandmother - but at the end of the day, you can't let yourslef get sucked in to this kind of emotional blakmail.

She will have withdrawn contact as a way to hurt you - not just because "it was too painful": it was purely becasue you exercise your control over what you family did.

You are still in control - in particular, you are control over how you react to what she does. Not letting it bother you means she has failed in her objective of "getting" to you.

i don't have anything useful to say, other than she sounds totally mental. Poor you and your family.

I know how you feel Shilke. My MIL was truly evil and I hated it when she visited - which seemed to be all the time. Thankfully we have no contact with her now, but I am still very bitter about the whole situation.

The best thing to do is act as though nothing is wrong, and make sure you and dh look happy together. Don't take anything out on him, especially in front of MIL. My MIL had a great knack of getting dh and me to argue whilst she was in our house and she would love it

Bloody families, eh!!!!

my god my mil cut ties with us over a year ago because she wasnt getting her own way. She is honestly cutting her own noes off to spite her face-its almost a form of sulking. It really hurt me and dh especially when she also involved dd but at the same time she did us a big favour.These women are so conrolling and manipulating and our other halfs dont stand a chance. After years of keeping my mouth shut i finally confronted her. She was ringing to ask if she could bring dd present around actually she got sil to ring and i said if she wanted to see dd she had to ask herself. I didnt expect her to ring but she did and i made a point of saying i wasnt happy with what she said i wasnt going to take it any further until she had the cheek to say 'what do you mean what i said' like she had done nothing. It was then that i exploded and confronted her with everthing i had always wanted to say but for dp kept my mouth shut. It felt great because having to keep my mouth shut whilst she upsets my family and causes problems betweeen me and dp was making me bitter. It really has damaged mine and dp relationship because he let her get away with things which would cause rows between us.The thing is though they really do not think they have done anything wrong they cannot see it-trying to argue with them and make them see reason is like hitting your head against a very hard wall.

Thanks for your replies. I shall try and let her not bother me. Prettybird - that was very interesting and I'll keep it in mind. I am hoping dh will say something though as I am starting to feel so fed up with the whole situation.
Some friends have just rung and are coming round with a take away tonight - that will take my mind off it. Thanks.

Shaking with I don't know what ... can't be a hangover as I only has 2 glasses of wine last night I've already got the bottle in the fridge as I may need a glass to steady my nerves at lunchtime. There's nothing else to say really (I'm not a nutty 1st time poster honestly WigWamBam!). I'll let you all know how it goes. I mentioned the "backbone" comment to dh and he looked edgy. I think he's worried I'm going to freak out at his mother. I have been doing a little stirring with the boys ... "ooh it's a long time since we saw Granny ...." It may be childish, but I can't help it.

Agree that, if anything is to be said, it is your dh who needs to say it. If your sil is there too, it will dilute things somewhat anyway.

Personally, I would be all smiles and pleasantness, but absolutely not make any plans for her to come and stay for the weekend any time soon.

let us know how you got on!

Dh, mil, sil and 3 of the children have gone out for a walk. Nothing has been said and I don't think it will on this visit. I'm still fuming (the lunchtime g & t calmed me down a bit), but I'm acting as though i saw her last week. She can't make eye contact with me and won't leave sil's side! Thanks so much for listening - I was ready to explode yesterday. Just posting and having people read it made me feel better.
Ds2 said something funny at lunch - he said he thought his sister preferred the other Granny as she hadn't seen this one for so long ....... silence apart from me sniggering into my g & t!!

Well done - keep on that moral high ground!
Whatever you do, don't make any offer for her to come again. Let her do all the running.

She's gone. She made no reference to events and seemed to grow in confidence as the afternoon went on .... much to my annoyance. We shall sit back and see what happens next. Dh has promised he will speak to her on the phone about her behaviour ......I'm not holding my breath though