I don't think I can keep this up

[cloudyskys]

This is going to sound really self indulgent and pathetic, I know, but I have to write it down because I can't keep it in anymore. I am finding life really difficult at the moment. I am trying very hard to keep up a good show, trying so hard to be positive and work towards a good life for my dc, but because I feel so messed up inside my head and my life is so bleak I don't think things will ever improve. I am a single mum with a history of abuse in both my relationships and childhood. I've done the Freedom Programme, tried counselling, read lots of books on the subject to try and heal. Try to be upbeat and work round the clock keeping things going. But inside I feel SO worried the time, it's there eating away along with a horrible nervous feeling and feeling of doom and guilt and shame. Every day I do something stupid, say something stupid, annoy someone. My lifelong habit of hiding away from life/people will not go away hence I have no close friends and family due to the low contact I have with them. I am a terrible example of a human being for my son, I feel so guilty and I am so sorry to him I keep making mistakes I am such a fucking stupid idiot. I am tired and there is no break or joy anymore. I am like an elastic band getting tighter and tighter with this charade I just can't bear feeling like this anymore. I am sorry this sounds so depressing but I feel the mountain I have to climb is so great I don't know where to start. I know I need to get a grip and if you have read this far, thank you and I totally understand if you think I need to get a grip because that it probably what I need.

Op I am so sorry you're having such a tough time. I don't think you need to get a grip at all, but I do think you need to get some help. You're not a terrible example of a human being for your kids, you're someone who has been through an awful lot, survived and is desperately struggling to cope with it all. Have you spoken to your GP? It sounds like you need some kind of professional support, NOT because you're in the wrong or weird or anything like that, but because you deserve to be happier than you are and to be able to enjoy your life. It took me a long time to seek help (abusive marriage/OCD/extreme anxiety/depression) but I'd got to the point where I didn't feel anything, ever, and I knew I couldn't keep going. If you ever need to talk I'm here, no judging, just listening and supporting. Please don't beat yourself up, you sound pretty awesome to me.

ayeokthen thank you so much for your reply, and I am sorry you have been through hard times too
Yes, I have tried to get help and have been to my doctor. I was referred to do CBT which I found quite helpful in that it helped me to be more positive.
But the problem is I still feel messed up deep inside my head and I don't know where to get help for that and the severe self hatred I have for myself a lot of the time. It's strange because sometimes I feel I am getting better but then it only takes a tiny knock and I am in that horrible place again.

sounds like anxiety which was developed by all your difficult life experiences. You have survived them.
Now you need to rebuild yourself and maybe build up the things you never learnt to do before like making friends.
Negative thoughts feed more negative thoughts and self care is creating little things....and more little things that make you feel happy and positive. Check the happiness group on facebook and meetup.
For me (also DV survivor) it is listening to music when I wake up, reading before going to bed as well as forcing myself to also see the positive when I start thinking about something negative.

You may have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). That messed-up feeling, and the feelings of self hatred, those are classic ptsd.

If it isn't ptsd, you are at least very depressed. You have suffered very much, and your brain has tried to adjust to help you. Your brain thinks you are living in a war zone and is trying to get you to survive it. It's unfair and it's horrible, but you are the innocent party here.

This comic (which mentions child death, so be careful if you're feeling vulnerable) explains ptsd and how it affects people. Also how people manage it.

nautil.us/issue/23/dominoes/ptsd-the-wound-that-never-heals

Thanks cloudyskys. I agree with thestamp, it does sound a lot like PTSD, which would need different treatment to depression/anxiety. There is a lot of help available, and it is possible to live a happy, functional life with PTSD. My brother in law has PTSD from his time in the army, and with the right help I've seen an enormous change in him. We're all here for you too, if you need us

Thanks so much for your replies and advice.
Yes, this does ring true I have been told that this could be the case by someone else before. But I dismissed it thinking it was just me and not that bad, and I need to try and be stronger.
Just looked up PTSD on NHS website too and read about 'complex PTSD' which describes my symptoms so well. But it's hard to accept that what I experienced as a child and then in my relationship warrents this kind of diagnosis. There was very bad and upsetting emotional, sometimes physical, abuse. I know I felt very low and full of self hatred for much of my childhood. It's hard to make connections with people, and it's hit me that the people who are meant to love and care about me actually don't and now I am completely alone. That's been hard to deal with.

Anything can trigger a PTSD diagnosis, it doesn't have to be warfare or something bloody and overtly traumatic. A long period of abuse IS traumatic, and you've done amazingly getting to this point. Feck everyone else, you are incredible, and you are worth it. Xxx

Ayeokthen thank you for your kind words xx
It's just strange how it's all coming to the surface now. I really do try and be positive but somehow it doesn't seem to make me feel better, not really.
Feeling very low and detached somehow just need to get some help I think. Also feeling very worried and guilty and keep beating myself up about everything. It's constant and everyday brings a barrage of reasons pointing as to why I am despicable. It's like my body is made of lead and I struggle to just operate. Sorry that sounds bloody depressing doesn't it. I'm not always like this. It con

Comes in episodes

You're ill, I really hope you are able to speak to your GP and push to get some targeted help/assessment for ptsd. Childhood abuse is an EXTREMELY common cause for ptsd - it would be absolutely ordinary for someone who's suffered abuse as a child to go on to develop complex ptsd. Unfortunately we can't predict who will get it, and what will trigger it - it's all to do with individual bodies and circumstances.

Thinking of you. You can get better - life can feel a lot better. It's so important that you ask for help though, from your GP or health visitor or someone else who can help get the process started.

OP if it's any consolation - I think you sound really sweet. I love your turn of phrase.
People will want to be your friend. You don't have to be perfect.

cloudyskys are you still on here. Wondered how you were getting on?

Sending compassion and understanding, I wrote a very similar post a couple of weeks ago. I’m pretty alone too and it can really suck sometimes. I hope you can find the right support x