Been with partner for 10 years, will not marry

[Berk2000]

Hi,
I've been with an amazing loyal, kind man for 10 years. We have two 16 year olds (he has daughter, I have son) from different marriages and very similar backgrounds, our family even live near us, it seems perfect.
He told me a year into our relationship that he didn't believe in marriage and didn't want children, I loved him so much that I was willing to compromise. At the start my relationship with his daughter who was then 6 was challenging, however we overcame this. My son and I moved into his house 6 years ago (4 years into the relationship) and we were happy.
Three years ago my grandparents passed away and monies were given to my son for a public school education. My son is extremely happy and thriving at a top boys boarding school. My partner encouraged this initially.
Over the last 3 years our relationship has started to see cracks. I think his daughter is very manipulative (aren't all little daddies girls) and he dotes on her, she lives with her mother who has since remarried, divorced and now on third boyfriend. His daughter has not had a stable upbringing and she needs her dad, I respect this, he needs her too. However he struggles to be firm with her, perhaps out of guilt.
However in the last three years, I have started to resent this relationship and admit to being jealous as I see him pouring affection over his daughter but don't feel I am getting any back. It's horrible, I feel so bad that I have these feelings, maybe because it's my age, I'm 45. It's making me say things I regret.
Secondly there have been financial issues, even although we are both from established connected well to do families, we have no cash, everything is tied up in assets and our earning power is low. As said, he lives in a Stunning location right near the sea and on a golf course which I love and have made many friends recently through learning to play.He will not allow me to contribute to the house up keep and there are some structural problems in the house that need sorting. Instead he spends the time himself trying to do quick fixes that never work. Meanwhile I rent my house and have income form rent that I could help him with, I've offered many time, he won't accept it. But then I know he secretly resents this as he often comes out with comments about how I'm loaded and I have no idea how lucky I am ( I do). I feel like I'm nagging.
I have made his house a home by filling it with lovely things to make it cosy inside, cooking and cleaning, however compared to the cost of mortgage, bills etc this goes unnoticed.
We hit rock bottom at the weekend over an issue at a wedding where he allowed his daughter a double room on her own whilst my son had to share with us. I secretly wanted some time with him to 'make up' but he allowed his daughter the privacy ove and above ours.
This caused a massive argument and he said things to my son about his privileged education, my son was very upset.Neither my son or I attended the wedding.
My dilemma is that I love this man, he's kind, loyal, family orientated and caring however he will never marry me or even show future commitment in other ways, he will put his daughter first and not allow me to contribute. My self esteem has hit rock bottom and I am concerned about the future for me and my son as well as setting an example to my son about 'putting up with being second best' . Should I accept the status quo to me with this man, I can't stop thinking that I will have the same niggles in ten years time that will eat away at me, making me resentful and nasty but I'm not sure I can give up this man as he is decent and kind with good values, a rare thing.
Not sure what to do.

Sandy

I agree with you.

There has been alot of instability for his daughter.

I wouldnt be with a man who wanted me as a long life partner but wouldnt marry me.

One of my sisters friends has been given a "commitment ring" from her long term partner. A commitment ring?? Seriously!!

I think shes in for a lifetime of disappointment with her fella.

Princessmi12 it's definitely true that in the majority of threads I read on here, my opinion is negative about the person being posted about - usually a husband/boyfriend, as the demographic and subject area goes.

I don't think that's surprising - people don't post unless there is a problem. And usually not unless the problem has gone beyond a minor niggle.

I can't be arsed to analyse all my posts, but I would certainly assume that most think that the complaint is reasonable.

I dispute that I'm negative to all OPs. I suspect that because you didn't like my reply to your situation personally, that there's a bit of confirmation bias going on their and you now notice negative posts from me more than positive ones.

Am I vocal and cynical about a lot of (usually male) partners posted about on here? Yes.

Am I negative to everyone. No.

In fact, I think my last reply on here today was to someone whose boyfriend had gone quiet, suggesting that they talk to him - not dump him. Also today I 'defended' someone for emailing a boyfriend when other posters think email was the wrong thing to do. I'm not necessarily right about the email - I'm just illustrating my point that my random latest posts show support to OPs.

You clearly have taken against me and that's fine - but your view is now biased. Just ignore my posts. No need to make personal digs about my current relationship or the length of my posts

(sorry OP for the derail!)

"I secretly wanted some time with him to 'make up'"
Secretly.
He made the arrangement about his dd's room without discussion - you didn't discuss your agenda.
So much mis-communication.
He possibly feels it would be wrong to take money towards the house from you, feels he is looking out for your interests - you feel insecure and shut out.
He has been through a divorce, it has given him a certain perspective - and whereas he shares his home and you say he is decent and kind, you feel this is lack of commitment. You have been through a nasty divorce and are looking for a new / better marriage to heal the insecurity that that divorce brought.

You are jealous of the 'doting' on his dd, maybe is he is jealous that your DS can have the education he has.

If you love each other and both want this to work (have you discussed this, in the aftermath of the row?) then it may be worth talking about Relate or similar, to sort out this communication, and how you share with each other.

if you wanted a room for your son you should have booked it - its your fault for not knowing what the arrangements were. I also wouldn't expect two 16yr old step siblings to stay in the same room, sorry that's just wrong.

your partner is wrong having a go about your DSs education - your DS was left money to use for that purpose, it has nothing to do with you or him.

your partner is also wrong having a pop at you about you having money left over. fact is it doesn't matter if your married you can still make a claim on your partners house even if you have never put money into it, there has been several court cases recently whereby woman have won their case and been awarded money when a split in the relationship has happened.

Why do you both have money tied up in assets when your earning power is low? having assets wont enrich your life - liquidise the assets and enjoy your life - you aren't here for a long time, you only get one shot at life.

"fact is it doesn't matter if your married you can still make a claim on your partners house even if you have never put money into it, there has been several court cases recently whereby woman have won their case and been awarded money when a split in the relationship has happened."

Really? I know the law is different in England, and that 'common law' relationships are more recognised in law in Scotland. Maybe the OP is in Scotland? Can you link cases where a woman (or man) is not married and has not put money into a house in either mortgage payments of material maintenance / improvements and has made a successful claim?

I also completely disagree that an unmarried woman living in a man's house should sell her house and use the money unless she is absolutely brassic and not able to manage.! This is not the picture I get given that they have been able to afford a family holiday and if needs be she could take her DS on a further holiday. The house gives her income and security.

I am also really confused as to why you didn't book a seperate room for your son, why did you need his permission? Equally, what was the problem with him booking his DD a double room?

His DD isn't the problem, it isn't her fault that she has rubbish parents or that he didn't want to spend some alone time with you. You're focussing on her because you don't want to face the fact that you're way more into him, than he is you.

It's time you had a grown up conversation with him about your relationship because it doesn't sound like you're on the same page and never were and probably will never will be.

You both have 16 year olds they should be your priority until they finish their education

Even when they finish education do you expect marriage ?
I think not

Do you need to focus your energy somwhere or with someone else ?

I think the op made it clear that there were no more rooms left in the hotel.

so that's no rooms left to book for her son.

No rooms left in the inn hotel. So she couldn't book another room because there were no rooms left.

Just to be clear: there were no rooms left in the hotel. so she couldn't book him another room. Which is why she didn't book him another room because there were no rooms to book.

Hope that's clear. PM if you would like more info on this (I can't put everything on a public board)

So, about these rooms daffs; were there only a few vacant ones left?

What was that Springydaffs?

Something about a hotel room?

I'm not quite clear....

Lol, Springydaffs

I think you need to suck up your jealousy of the step-daughter for another few years, OP. And try to see the best in your partner. You say he is amazing, loyal and kind. Look at the good stuff.

There is a big difference between no being married, and not being a partnership in life.

I think your biggest problem is that you aren't a partnership in life. Despite living together for 6 years you say 'he' lives in a stunning location' when you fact you both do!

Your family isn't blended and you sound like his lodgers.

Marriage is one thing but you don't even have a partnership in terms of finances and raising your children. I dread think of the insecurities and jealousies that's creating in them

From what you say the timing of your problems coincided with your DS going to boarding school; what type of school does his daughter go to and is there likely to be a big difference in their opportunities? You mention doing the housework and contributing at home but do you work outside the home too?

OK, thanks everyone.
I've been to see a counsellor (he wouldn't come) . Clearly there are issues in our relationship that have brewed for some time, mainly due to lack of communication. However, the fact that he will not marry me or commit long term in some way, or even talk about our future is a sign for me that he cant commit, to me.
He is protecting me by not letting me put any capital into the house, he is also protecting himself and his daughter - I understand this, especially after his divorce where there was a lot of financial loss for him. However it reinforces the lack of trust he has for 'our' future, there could have been other ways that we could have had allowed and shown commitment.

Unfortunately there are things that cannot be changed. He wont marry me, he wont commit and his relationship with his daughter will always come first. Apart from last point (which I accept), the other things will niggle me and eat away - I don't like this me.

I agree and accept that I needed to be more understanding of his daughter and respect their special bond (its is different to the one I had with my parents), I have failed here and resent my jealousy and comparison of my norm v his. I feel stupid and angry at myself. However whilst dishing out compliments to his daughter, just a little bit of 'you look nice today' or 'you've lost some weight and look good' (after ive been on diet for 3 months) would have gone a long way....

My main issue is now to protect my son. He is the one impacted by the situation, he does not want me to be unhappy and whilst loves our current home would prefer stability, no arguments and to feel safe. My son was deeply upset by the comment about his education, especially as he has worked so incredibly hard. I am very proud of him and looking forward to a future in my old house, making plans and ensuring he is now safe and supported.
I will miss my partner and home immensely and am grieving for the loss as I still love him, its very raw. I will be moving out in early September after my son returns to school. very painful.

One of my sisters friends has been given a "commitment ring" from her long term partner. A commitment ring?? Seriously!!

This is pure and utter nonsense and a total cop out IMO. I'd be ashamed to even mention if this is the best my BF could do.

I think shes in for a lifetime of disappointment with her fella.

I agree, but too often we settle for less when we know we deserve more.

OP - did you end the relationship? Or was it a mutual agreement?

FWIW I think it's the right thing to do.

mutual ending. However I would have liked him to have at least discussed working towards something between our needs. I have to be strong and not buckle in the heartache. We have so many amazing memories, mostly good ones of when the children were little, more arguments than good memories recently.

I am SO sorry for you OP, but I think you are definitely doing the right thing.
It's going to be torture for you living there until September, but once you go (and I read how beautiful his home/location is), you really will feel a weight lift off your shoulders, and you WILL very quickly get back to the lovely you again.

Try and keep strong and face your fears, it really will all be better for both you and your son.
Good luck xx

I'm sorry it hang worked out - brave of you to recognise that it had run its course, and end it. Good luck with the future!

Op, there are lots of issues that you have raised.

1- he clearly stated he didn't want to marry you. You over looked that and didn't think it would affect your relationship down the line.
2- the house. He doesn't want you to make any claims when the relationship ends. This is more than likely another reason why he does not want to get married. Remember that in the beginning of your relationship you didn't have the inheritance.
3- what he is doing, people might say it protective but I would say its also controlling. He might not control your finances but controls the way you live your life with him. His home his rules. If you don't ask, he does things that benefit him and his daughter, excluding your and your son.
He does not see you as a family unit but separate entities sharing a house and bed. This comes out in his favouritism towards his daughter when it's a thing that could have easily been discussed and sorted before hand.
I think he is not revealing his true feelings and thought on the relationship. His snide remarks about your son and jealousy when he could have sat you down discussed it like adults. It's not your fault or your son that an opportunity arose for him.
If you were married, based on comments I have seen on Mn you would have been told that it's not fair for one child to be treated differently. You would also be told it's not fair to pay for one child and not another. In this case that is not the point. And people can see that the relationship is separate and dead.

Thank goodness you have your house. He might wake up one day asking you to leave.

By the way, usually people who marry after a lengthy relationship tends to be an indication of trouble and it's usually the last resort to fix problems. Of cause, there are those that last even longer.

With the house, don't kid your self. he is not protecting you. He is looking after number one and two. Thats him and his daughter. That has always been his interest and only interest.