Haven't a clue who's in the wrong.

[SnapYap]

NC for this.

Married to DH almost 2 years, together 2 years before that, 1 DS, 14 months old.

This weekend we had visitors coming in the morning. The house needed tidying. DH slept in and I really needed his help as DS tends to go around undoing the tidying which i do. I wanted him to watch DS for a while, whilst I tidied and had a shower and washed my hair. About an hour before our guests were due I went to wake DH, but he was already awake. He was annoyed that I didn't wake him up if I needed help. I told him I wasn't his mother and I'd asked him for his help in the morning the previous night, so why should I wake him up. This pissed him off and he was annoyed at me all day. I was annoyed that I didn't get to wash my hair but it wasn't a big deal.

It was a horrible atmosphere later so I said I was taking DS out. He said 'fine have fun bye' and got himself all comfortable on the couch so I took DS to my mum's house. She watched him while I showered and washed my hair and dried it. We then took DS to the park. Well when we got home DH was furious that we'd been to the park without him and that I'd done my hair at my mum's house. Said I should've done it here. I didn't see a problem!

Then there was an atmosphere all of Sunday. He told me he was sick of bearing the brunt of my moods.

Monday morning i was chatting to him as normal before he was going to work: an interview. He wanted to revise for his interview so I was told to shut up and leave him alone because he couldn't deal with me today. I left and went upstairs and he text me to say 'sorry if I upset you'.

Last night we decided to put all the bad feeling behind us and start again.

This morning he mentions he still hasn't forgiven me for taking DS to my mum's and the park on Saturday afternoon.

He's also mentioned that he wanted to take DS to his parents' house (they visited us on Sunday). He's also said jokingly lately that we don't have sex enough. I don't feel like it much lately as I'm overweight and lacking confidence.

I just don't know. Can anybody give me perspective? Sorry for the utter essay.

I'll have to find a travel cot, Liney, I appreciate the suggestion. DS is brilliant and a very curious toddler now! And you're right DH is prone to getting in sulks a lot these days. If I say something he mildly doesn't like its the silent treatment. It doesn't go on long but it happens

Do you mean rather than work? For now, yes, but I would like to carry on work in the future once DS is at school or nursery

OP, this isn't minor. Not letting you shower is abusive and nasty. He sulks too. And doesn't want to do childcare or get up in the night. He worships his mother. These are all red flags.

Would your life not be better without him in it?

I don't know where I'd live and I have no income, and I'd hate DS to have to go and stay with him away from me for days at a time if we split. When he's nice, he's lovely.

He sounds incredibly controlling and possibly abusive.

You're at home without adult company every day of the week and he objects to you visiting your mum? He didn't want to join you and then made you feel bad about going? Sulking like a petulant child? He's acting badly and this isn't normal or acceptable.

You mentioned that you are lacking confidence and also don't have time to yourself. How would you feel about joining an exercise class or other activity once or twice a week? It would give you some of your own time, you'd get to mix with other adults and may help increase your confidence.

From what you've said I think it may be worth having a chat with your DH to discuss your expectations of the marriage. From this try to work out whether he is stressed and doesn't realise he's treating you like a doormat. Then you can work through it together. If he doesn't seem willing to listen, sulks, shouts, belittles, projects or the conversation leaves you feeling confused then it could be that he is abusing you.

As PP said, good men want to spend time with their family, share responsibility and are happy for their wife to spend time on herself.

Thank busy. I think I will do something like that, losing weight and talking to other adults will help me feel myself again. I feel 100% dejected, useless and worthless at the moment.

I'll try to talk to him when we get a chance after the baby goes to bed (in the 12 minutes before he wakes again :-S) but I predict much sulking and silence.

I think you need to stand up for yourself and your needs. Dithering gives him space to whine, meander about responsibiillty or mess you about. See how that works for a while ....

he said he was sick of my moods. If I stood up for myself he'd say I was just in a mood

I think not feeling like you can go for a shower is not a minor thing. I'm not human until I have a shower and I've not trimmed it down to 5 minutes! It also helps to wake you up and start your day if you've had a bad night. But you shouldn't have to explain or justify why you deserve a shower, you should just be able to go for one. How is he otherwise? Do you get any leisure time? Do you get a lie in now and again?

No leisure time but that tends to be my choice. Very occasional lie ins

I think you need to stop asking him if you can take a shower and should instead just make the statement I am having a shower now and hand over your ds or put him down in the room with your partner. I live with someone controlling and lazy and I find it is always better to just go ahead and do what I need to without too much discussion. Asking him for help gives him the option of refusing or debating when you should or shouldn't have a shower. I suppose he doesn't do the same with you, asking when it is and isn't convenient for him to do what he needs to do??