Should I ask him out? Body confidence issues.

[DraenorQueen]

I've been single for a couple of years by choice as I was picking idiot after idiot and wondering why I was ending up so unhappy. I'm fine being single; I have a nice home, good job, etc. I'm not very body confident though but am in the process of losing weight.
Anyway, amongst the usual crap messages on POF there was one from a guy I recognised from a shop in town; from his message he clearly recognised me too. We got chatting, first on PoF, the on FB and he actually sounds REALLY nice. Totally grounded, about to start professional training for an exciting career, kind, and just the right amount of geeky.
I want to go on a date with him and I'm not scared of asking him, as I'm quite sure he wants to as well, but I SO hate my body at the moment. I'm huge. Really huge. The thought of him at some point seeing me naked makes me go cold! I don't know what to do. Most of me feels "you are what you are and he's obviously seen you and finds you attractive" but a small part of me the only fucking small part of me! says "he'll take one look and change his mind."
Please help!

Oof. Yeah, expectant parent would be a huge turn off for me.

Are you friends on FB already? If so contact him and mention the post. If not, send a friend request and see if he accepts it.

Don't over-incest. If he's not good dating material then there will be other people who are. Sure he may be a recently split up from pregnant girlfriend reboundy type. Or worse. Or maybe it was some hilarious "in joke".

None of this has anything to do with your weight, remember. If this date doesn't happen, it's not because of your dress size.

Over INVEST not over-incest. Fucking hell, that's the worst auto correct ever.

My friend's dh actively sought larger ladies on dating sites - it's how they met. Lots of men love bigger women!

Have you asked if he has children? Would give him chance to explain

Firstly, he is interested in you or he wouldn't have messaged or agreed to meet. Without sounding too blunt, I know men who prefer a fuller figure. Just like some like short blondes or tall, thin brunettes. I was a tall very attractive size 12 when I met my DH, years of issues and anti-depressants have made me a tall size 18. I can tell I am no longer a body shape my H finds attractive.

Anyhow, that is my shit. Onto to fatherhood question. I would be honest and would ask for the story. When you FB friend a possible date, it is natural to have a nose. If he is about to become a dad, you need to know. Personally I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole at this point. A baby may overwhelm him and he reconciles with her, it may cause lots of problems if she isn't ok with him seeing other women at this point (unreasonable but new mothers can be, I was). Or of course the other possibility, she isn't aware they are seeing other people?

Don't settle for a sticky situation. Dress with pride and make the best of yourself. Hair, makeup you feel comfortable in, and don't make my mistake and buy shit clothes or just wear horrible old stuff because you hate your body. Get some nice clothes, wear them with pride. If you want to lose weight do so sensibly and FOR YOURSELF only.

I would take the physical stuff slowly just because I am like that. However if you are feeling insecure then I think it is really important you are on the same wavelength and are open about this. Is it a relationship or or a shag?

Good luck. Value yourself. I have felt bad about my weight for a year and have had horrible personal comments made to me by people I know and my sodding husband. I refuse to feel bad anymore. I was really attractive as a size 12, I'm not hideous at current size. I don't like my body but I refuse to be body-shamed any more. Fuck that.

for you.

Playmobile Pirate, personally I probably wouldn't date someone who had a "thing" for fat women. I might not stay this size.

But I like your suggestion that OP should ask "So do you have kids?" Perfectly normal first date question for anyone over 20.

Thanks, your responses are really thoughtful. I don't even feel the issue is about my body any more. The picture is definitely not a weird in-joke as several people have commented to congratulate including older ladies...definitely genuine.
I'm going to drop him a quick message a bit later today, probably being honest and saying I'd seen the picture (we are friends on FB, I haven't been stalking from afar.) Just worried that could come across callous maybe if perhaps the pregnancy ended prematurely or something.
If hes does have an ex partner who's 7/8 months pregnant I absolutely won't be getting involved. I don't have children and don't want any of my own. I realise that dating in my 30's is more than likely going to involve men with children but this is far too raw...and as ValueCunt says, they might reconcile with the overwhelmingness of it all.

I'll let you know what he says about it all later...

Good luck DQ. Definitely OK to not want to date an expectant father.

Good thinking that the pregnancy might not have continued for whatever reason. You sound like you're going to tread carefully. Actually, you sound like a really nice, careful thoughtful person. Honestly, if this doesn't work out,there will be plenty of other people.

Thanks Startled, that's kind.
Well, I've messaged him, hopefully not too a demanding sounding message. I said (in response to his "morning, have a good day x")
"Morning, thanks! Hope you don't mind me asking but I was being nosey at your FB pics and came across the baby book one...?"

I realise it doesn't actually ask a question, but I couldn't think how to phrase the question without sounding a bit of a nut. Anyway, we'll see.

That sounds fine. Has he seen it?

Yes, he replied. It says
"This is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about in person because it's such a long story. The short version is in february my ex partner decided she wanted nothing more to do with me 13 weeks into a pregnancy. I know it's a big deal so if it's too much for you I totally understand."

For me, he sounds honest enough but it's quite clearly not a good time to be starting dating, so I replied,
"Yes I didnt mean to be nosy, just curious, sorry. It sounds a really difficult situation. I've really enjoyed getting to know you but not sure anything more would be a sensible idea at the moment. Hope you get what I mean? X"

No reply to that. Ah well, I do still think he's a decent guy and he's probably going through a really tough time at the moment, but it's not something I want to be involved in. Onwards and upwards.

Oh, that's a shame. He does seem like a nice guy. Especially as he realises his current situation is a big deal and might be too much for you.

Which it is, understandably.

Everyone past a certain age has baggage. But some baggage is more baggage-y than others.

Like you say, onwards and upwards!

The secret to this is slow burn dating. So allow it to unfold very slowly, lots of kissing and working upwards - so that when the time comes to do the deed you can't wait to get naked with him.

Massive lust is a 100% cure for body hang ups IMO.

Appreciate the advice HowTo and will definitely be remembering that next time but unfortunately it won't be going any further with this chap

Think you've handled the baby thing very well. Sensible.
im on POF and am a fully fledged size 18, big boobs and a well padded arse. I have the occasional confidence wobble with regular fat bit wobbles but on the whole I'm pretty ok with my body.
The way I look at it is, I've got photos on my profile which are a combo of pics with friends, just my face and a couple of full length shots, so any potential suitor knows what I look like! So it's not like there's a well shot selfie, the size of my waist isn't a hidden thing IYSWIM.
Good underwear is a definite must in feeling confident for me, well fitting bra makes clothes fit better, makes my posture better and just makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin.

Good luck with the next fella :)

Value ive gone from a size 28 down to a 14 and my DH has never made a derogatory comment in all that time.

Im sorry your H is being a knob.

I have had derogatory comments about my tummy though from someone i went to college with.

The comments were/are about the loose skin on my stomach due to weight loss.

I just caught up with your thread. Good luck with the getting into a shape you are happy with. It is important to feel as confident as you need about your appearance. You are young with a whole exciting life ahead.