Anyone else struggle with ex's lack of interest in DC?

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

Hello MN
I have spent the last 3 years raising my gorgeous Dd. Her dad lives locally & every bit of contact is instigated by me. When we first split he was much better at seeing her more & interested in photos I emailed etc but since younger GF without kids came along 18 months ago he normally ignores any updates/photos/logistics texts re contact. He sees DD on his days off when it suits him & takes her up to Scotland to see his family twice a year when he wants to be golden boy, but rarely has her overnight.
I'm posting this for two reasons. A) to rant & B) does anyone else have an ex who behaves like this? I just still can't believe how much he doesn't seem to give a monkeys about this wonderful 4 year old.
His gf & work take priority (his words) - it's very sad.
Is this normal?

I often wonder how good he is at being a dad when they're together for the day when he never asks how she is, or instigates any extra time/overnights with her.... Indicating that he can't be arsed. I sometimes fear that she has a crap time when they're together. He makes me so

Yip I hate my ex for it!
He's not seen his new daughter for 4 months and not seen his son in 9 weeks. Yet claims he's a loving doting caring father!
Claims I stop him seeing te kids when really all I want is stability I won't allow him to just show up at my door to take them. But then I'm the horrible woman that won't allow him to see the kids.
Reduced his days from 3 days 1 over night a week to just the one over night because it was too inconvenient. Hasn't once asked how the kids are. Has now changed his number moved away and so has his family.

Yep.

Reduced contact from overnight EOW and 2 evenings a week to 1 evening a week and 1 evening EOweek and one day EOW as long as it doesn't clash with something he'd rather do. He spends the childfree day doing fun stuff with his friends/gf and the say he has the children, they sit in his bedroom at his parents house watching dvds whilst he does his laundry and gets ready for work. Or he takes them to the supermarket to do his shopping. Without fail. Every. Time.

Has stopped coming to parents evenings, shows, performances and even birthdays.

Pays bare minimum in maintenance, refuses to contribute towards childcare costs because they are only incurred because I go to work.

The only thing I will say is that the children get pretty wise to it pretty quickly. Only neither of them can say anything to them because, if they do, he sulks and tells them it's not fair and that they are trying to make him feel guilty.

If he buys them anything during the year, it gets counted towards Christmas and birthday presents. So he went away last weekend and bought DS a T shirt as a present, gave it to him yesterday and then said, "that's part of your Christmas present". It's fucking July and it was a t shirt.

He's a dick.

No I don't struggle with it, I am glad of it because he's a flaky fucker who drinks too much and I am scared they wouldn't be safe with him.

It's normal for selfish gits and you can not change him but you should limit your expose to it. Unfortunately for DD, history has repeated itself and I am having to support her in accepting the realities of having a disinterested and absent Dad.

Bending over backwards and accommodating these twats, only increases their belief that that's your role.

My ex NEVER calls our dd (9). He bought her a phone, which I actually wasn't happy about, but he never even calls her on the bloody thing!

He sees her fairly regularly, but he never asks how she's getting on or anything. Never pays me child maintenance unless I remind him a million times.

Oh and if we're round his neck of the woods fairly last minute and ask if he would like to see dd for a couple of hours, his answer is always no. When I ask why, he'll say cos he's made other plans - His other plans are always, he's in the pub Always.

Same here - 5 years since I told him to leave. 2 years when he saw DC about half dozen times, then 3 years with nothing at all. No idea where he is. I do know he quit work to avoid CSA.

My solicitor told me to stop chasing him for contact. Quite frankly it is his responsibility and there is nothing you can do to force him to be a father if he doesn't want to. Sad I know, but it is him who is flawed.

And my DC - don't miss him at all. Say he was useless when he was here. And they are thriving. So please don't think him not bothering will damage their self esteem. One great parent can be better than 2!

One thing I want the world to know is that it wasn't always like this.

I never would have had children with someone so selfish.

I think it's so easy for people to look and think 'well you made your bed you lie in it' or selfish ex wife seeks revenge.

He was also wanting him to get the train by himself (an hours and a half away)

Can't you refuse this and insist he picks DS up, as you aren't letting him do that journey alone?

It's eternally frustrating. I struggle with it but I think ultimately you have to just get on with being the best Mum you can be and don't focus on what they do. But it is hard when you think of how it affects your child. We should start a support thread.

One thing I want the world to know is that it wasn't always like this.

It very rarely is. My Ex's mother recently told me how her son cries himself to sleep because he 'can't' see DD, when I corrected her and said 'won't', she fell silent and said she didn't want to take sides. I didn't expect Ex to view parenting and the associated responsibilities that goes with it as solely a preserve of motherhood and nor did I expect society (for a great deal) to agree with him. Absent mothers on the hand, get treated like she devils.

I read about 50/50 households on here and it's like another world.I've learned that you can't make a parent interested which makes it easier on me as I spend less energy on the problem.

Someone suggested a support thread. Great idea. Let's call it He has just enough contact to be annoying but not enough to be useful
That's such a brilliant quote, nothingtoadd

my ex is totally pathetic has seen them twice this year (7 months) for 24 hours each time.

Pays no maintenance or for anything else (well apart from his brand new range rover and numerous holidays).

But my children have not only survived but thrived without him.

Totally his loss!!

I think it is common. I have several friends who have the same experience. Dads who don't go to parents evening, try not to pay maintenance, put hobbies/work/ new GF before their kids, but it's all the evil ex wife who's difficult about letting them see their kids.

There's a uk survey here that's dry reading as it's all stats but these quotes are from the summary discussion:
"There is certainly no ‘normal’ pattern of contact"
"the quality of the parental relationship is a key factor."
"Most estimates of the proportion of children who lose contact altogether conclude that the figure is around 30 per cent"
"Difficult contact, or no contact at all, is certainly not the inevitable outcome after parental separation"

To me that suggests the best you can do is to keep sending the updates and trying to maintain dialogue in the hope that he improves. Your DD deserves better from him.

Reached a new low. DD is really excelling in a certain sport. In order to progress she needs to train at the weekends.

He won't do it as its not fair on the other children so that's it. No weekend activities ever.

Hi nothingtoadd
Does he have them EOW & he's refusing to take her when he has her? Could you take her to the training in those weekends & then drop her back to him?

I just don't understand it. How can these guys just walk away and not want to see their children?

Nope. Too disruptive apparently.

I haven't read all the way through but I have a ds who's father has too many other dc to manage to see or spend time with him as well.
He hasn't even asked me if I need help with the summer hols (I work full time).
I given him open access to ds through his childhood for my ds's sake so he had a father in his life after we divorced.
I now realise his loss is my gain and as sad as it is for my ds, perhaps he's better off not spending time with someone who doesn't have the love and care to give him.

Nothingtoadd that sounds really unfair on your DD. I hope your ex sees sense.

Another tosser here. Moved about 3 hours away. Thinks he is great because he phones on fairly regular basis. My son is a funny beautiful intelligent and amazing young man, but that doesn't seem to matter. My ex seems to move from single parent to single parent. Before me he had kids with a single parent then ignored them for a good 18 years. Moved on to me and was a great dad initially to my child. Had my son then we split up and he now ignores my first child. Shows no interest in seeing our son, uses excuses about work etc, but makes no effort to see him. Has now moved onto another single parent. Seems he can only cope with 1 child at a time!! Also forgets birthday cards / christmas cards and has never paid a penny on the few occasions i have asked for help with school stuff. Of course, i dont tell tell my son this, he thinks hes great!