Asleep, not asleep? Violent behaviour.

[Lovemusic33]

So the other morning I attempted to give dp a cuddle in bed, usually he cuddles me back, this time he pushes me away, shouts abuse at me and then tries to get out of bed, I stop him and then I'm so upset that I get up and sleep downstairs. I spent yesterday not talking to him ( he was out most of the day ), assumed he knew why I was upset as his behaviour was not exceptible. Last night we were still not talking, I took some sleeping pills as my back was hurting and I went to bed, got up this morning and he has waked out ( lots of texts on my phone which I hadn't seen ), I message him this morning explaining why I was upset and he says he can't remember a thing her than me getting out of bed.he has be known to sleep talk but never has he physically pushed me or shouted at me in bed, he's usually really effect innate and wants to be extra close to me. He has been stressed out lately too. I feel upset as he spoke to me like a piece of shit, it hurt . So was he asleep or awake? How do I forgive him even if he was unaware of his behaviour?

He has been known to lose it and shout but he has never physically hurt me.

We have talked this through, we both know our communication is rubbish, I know it's not the best of relationships and I am trying to go though in my head if it's worth carrying on. I love him a lot but in the short time we have been together things have been really tough (a lot of things have been thrown at us), I'm not sure how much more I can take, I can feel myself sinking like I did with ex h. I know things have to change for this relationship to work and I don't know if they will .

Ok, how old are you both? How long have you been together? Do you live together? And do you have children together?

You need to work out if this is worth fighting for.

My DH has a sleep disorder which basically makes him behave really weirdly in his sleep during times of stress.

He's knocked himself out, stood staring and grinning at me like Jack Nicholson in the Shining, he's walked the perimeter of the house feeling the walls, chased lights which aren't there and many other things.

It's a real thing. He should see a doctor.

My ex said I once shouted something in the middle of the night and whacked her with my arm. Similarly, on holiday with a friend recently in a twin room where the beds were almost touching, I did the same to her.

Fortunately both know I am the least violent person imaginable and knew I was asleep at the time. I felt mortified in the morning when they told me.

Apparently I have been known to sit bolt upright in the middle of the night, speak, and then lie back down again! I have absolutely no recollection of these things happening or even aware of them at the time. Doesn't sound like they happen too often, but it must be very surprising and unpleasant at the time for the person on the receiving end.

We have been together less than a year, he is living here, we don't have children together.

We have been through a lot already ( mainly his problems ), he has had a stressful few months which is why he hasn't been sleeping that well so I understand that this time he may not have been awake, he still says he can't remember anything. Communication is pretty shit, I find it hard to talk to him and I find he doesn't tell me things (so obviously he finds it hard to talk to me too). He is caring, he does try and go out of his way to do things for me but often makes the wrong choices, when we rarely get a day together things are great but there always seems to be something waiting around the corner to mess things up (usually his ex and his past). There is a ten year age gap between us, obviously he has a bigger past than me, we both have children from previous partners and he has a very jealous ex. My life is pretty simple and stress free, his is the opposite and I feel he piles his crap onto me, there's always something going on ( his ex phoning all the time, problems with his children, problems with work, problems with family ), I keep hoping things will get easier but as soon as one thing improves something else comes along. How long to I give it for things to settle down? I know he has to have contact with his ex as they have children together but she is always phoning about stupid things and slags me off blaming me for everything ( they had split up a year before we got together ). I love him a lot but sometimes I just don't know if I can be doing with the stress , I know life's never simple.

It's not always simple no, but it really shouldn't be this hard all the time either.

What if he got his own place for a while? Try and get back to some sort of dating, where you're not bearing the brunt of his chaotic life? It sounds like he has a lot of unresolved baggage, that's dragging you down too.

Is this really fair on your child/children?

He can't afford to move out, most of his money goes to his ex, I know that's not really my problem. I have tried to distance myself a bit, not get too involved in his problems but it's hard as they effect me. I'm going out tonight with friends, he is making me feel guilty for going because we don't see each other enough ( due to him working long hours and due to him spending time with his children ). I know things may improve and things may settle down but I'm not sure how long I can wait for that to happen.

Less than a year???

Oh fuck this, love. Its not normal for it to be this hard. This is as good as its gonna get tbh. And it ain't that great. You can get someone easier. Actually, most people would be easier. You are not a charity for stressed out irritable waifs and strays.

Is it possible? Sure. But it's not acceptable. If this is the first time anything like this has happened (asleep OR awake), I'd say to have a very frank discussion with him and then insist that he see his GP for a physical and a sleep study. But it doesn't sound as if it's the first time, at least not for his temper.

He does have a short temper, a few weeks ago he chucked his phone across the room. He has never physically hurt me but he does have a shot fuse, his behaviour was not totally out of character.

Yeah, he needs to work on this.

I ended up shouting last night , I have awful PMT at the moment, yesterday he told me he would come home from work early as I was going out with a friend ( he offered to look after the kids ), time passed and it became obvious he wasn't going to be home early, no text or phone call to tell me. When he finally got home I was angry, angry because he couldn't find a few seconds to text me to say 'sorry, I'm going to be late'. Am I wrong to expect a text? He does this often and I have talked to him about letting me know if he's going to be late, not because I'm desperate to have him home but because I like to plan what time to cook etc.., I didn't think it was too much to ask? Apparently I am asking too much, apparently I want him here 24/7 and I want him to give up his job , this is far from the truth, I don't want him here all the time, I just want to know what time he will be home.

So this morning I am feeling pretty fed up, I feel that he doesn't take any notice of what I say, he can't see that he does anything wrong. PMT is making me feel ten times worse. I would like him to put more effort in, I would like him to spend a little bit more time with me but I understand that work is busy at the moment and he has a lot going on with his dc's, I would like some respect, I cook for him every day, I do his washing and tidy up after him, is it too much to ask that he tells me what he's up too and what time he will be home? He gets up at 5am and gets home anywhere after 5pm mon-fri, he's on call most weekends, spends Saturday's with his dc's ( they live over an hour away so he drives to see them, takes them out ), Sunday's we try and spend together but this often just involves doing the food shop and doing jobs around the house, occasionally we go out for lunch or for a walk. I do feel lucky having Sunday together with no dc's. We have booked a holiday at the end of the summer ( him, me and my dc's ) but I know his ex will be phoning him every day making up excuses so she can ruin our holiday.

I feel insecure because he never tells me what he's doing or when he will be home, he often tells me he's going to do something ( start sorting his divorce for one ) and then not doing it. I have got to a point where his words mean nothing, he tells me every day that he loves me and will do anything for me but actions speak louder than words, I need him to show me by showing me more respect, by talking to me more and following through on what he says.

I know he has a lot going on with his dc's (I really can't go into details but it is very stressful ) but surely I deserve a bit more respect?

Sleep wasn't great for either of us last night, he was very twitchy, he wanted to be close to me but I was scared he would push me away again, he was mumbling in his sleep and at one point he was laughing hysterically , I tried to gently wake him but couldn't. He is obviously having sleep problems as am I ( due to stress and anxiety ), I will talk to him about going to the doctors, maybe some sleeping tablets will help?

Oh dear OP. This really sounds a wee bit as if he's cocklodging. You aren't getting much out of this relationship but he's getting a cook and a maid 'with benefits'.

I think you need to cut bait and tell him to go. His finances are not your problem. He obviously has a place to go if he can take off for the night in a huff.

And I'd worry about the 'you want me to quit my job' comment. If he's unhappy at work he just might do that and then use it to justify not getting another job!

I agree with pp, he's using you as a very convenient housekeeper/bedmate but doesn't want any commitment. The fact that he drives 100 miles in the middle of the night (to whom?) speaks volumes.
It's got to be affecting your dcs too.

Your relationship sounds shit! I'd counsel working on if it you'd been happy with him for a while and this was a rough patch, or if you had kids together, but you've been with him less than a year and you're not happy. It's not going to get better than this - end the relationship and don't subject your children to witnessing an unhappy relationship with a man who's not treating you with respect.

He's not unhappy with his job, far from it, his job is everything too him.

When he storms off he either sleeps in his car or at work.

I'm just as much to blame here, I have been acting insecure and I question everything he does, I feel paranoid, my mental health isn't great at the moment, partly because of what has been going on with him but partly because I have other things going on too.

Everything is a mess, I really don't know where to go from here. Things were really good, when we spend time together it's great, I think I got used to spending time with him when work was quite, now he's really busy and I seem to be his last priority ( his work and his other family come first ) so it feels like I'm just stuck at home doing everything. I am not working due to my dc's having sn's, I want to work but I can't as I can't get child care, because he never knows what time he will be home I can not get any evening work. Im lonely, I'm bored and he won't do anything to help.

I'm just as much to blame here, I have been acting insecure and I question everything he does, I feel paranoid, my mental health isn't great at the moment, partly because of what has been going on with him but partly because I have other things going on too.

And in that situation my DH (a pretty regular guy) would sit me down and gently tell me that he was concerned about my mental health and facilitate my seeing someone and getting help.

I seem to be his last priority ( his work and his other family come first )

Work is important, but family comes first. And he should consider you a major part of his family. As far as his 'other family', I understand if you mean he is a good father to young children not living with you. Otherwise, you should come before 'other family' with the possible exception of aging parents who need care.

Again, he seems to see you as a 'convenience'. It's not to say he doesn't care about you, it's just that he believes your primary place in his life is to make his life easier and he only 'loves you' when you do.

If I may suggest, your first step should be to deal with whatever problem you are having as far as your MH goes. It's very hard to see straight when our heads are messed up, be it depression, bipolar, or another MH problem. I think once you start dealing with that, your way will become clearer. Just try, in the meantime, to prioritize yourself and what you need to feel happy and peaceful.

Thank you, he do care about my mental health, yesterday I broke down and he tried to get me to a doctor, we talked for hours, I told him how I was feeling, I don't know if it helped because I don't know if he will prove himself by helping me or by changing the things that are wrong. He came home early from work yesterday as he was worried about me.

There's so much going on in both of our lives and I think we both need help, I don't know if we can help each other.

There's so much going on in both of our lives and I think we both need help, I don't know if we can help each other.

If this is so, then you shouldn't try to help each other. Each of you needs to focus on what you need to be mentally healthy. That's not to say you don't treat each other kindly and with consideration, it's just that you can't be 'good' as a couple if you aren't 'good' individually, iyswim.

It still doesn't excuse his behaviour. There is nothing, nothing, that justifies putting hands on another in anger or upset. That is something he needs to deal with. If he doesn't realize it's wrong, I'm sorry, but there's not much chance for your relationship.

I suggest you both seek counseling as individuals. And a question; why did you not want to go to the doctor yesterday? Do you feel he was pushing you to get medication you don't want or feel that you need?