Do you ever feel like you don't recognise your life?

[ShoddyDuchess]

Not sure if that thread title makes sense to others but it is very much how I feel sometimes. I feel like I step back, almost "out of body" and don't recognise the life I'm living or the marriage I'm in as mine...it seems so wrong for me and so different from what I'd envisaged for myself.

My husband is EA and occasionally violent. I've posted in the past, I have "almost" got out several times but never actually made it all the way. I feel like I'm watching myself sometimes and I'm fully aware that I am an absolute stereotype. There must be a reason or an excuse but I can't figure out what it is!

The latest in my saga is that I have put H in a bad mood (knew it was going to flip soon as he's been really nice lately - he usually becomes almost too nice and then flips). Because he's in a bad mood he has shown me messages he's been receiving / sending with a very pretty woman (made sure to show me the pic). He showed me so that he could impress upon me how he protects our marriage, but got annoyed when I mentioned that in all the messages he didn't mention he's married, in fact he just flirted back and even asked if she was going to a local cafe one evening...apparently I'm stupid because I can't see how him showing me the messages means he's a fantastic husband. He mentioned that she's ok with being a second wife (we are from different cultures and religions) - this is the point where I went "out of body" I think. How have I ended up in a life where it's apparently normal and ok for my husband to even utter the phrase "second wife"?? I didn't get angry or anything, tbh at this point I don't really care. He also told me he will teach me a lesson about control (I had accused him of being controlling). I am a successful, professional woman and I am being told I'll be taught a lesson by my husband FFS. Jesus.

I feel like this marriage is poison but he won't end it peacefully and I'll live this weird non life until I die. I'm too afraid to end it and I will not leave the home which is mine. When things are ok I can pretend that I'm happy, but days like this I just feel my whole life is a depressing sham.

He also hates my family (each one of them has in his eyes "insulted" him in some way - to be fair some things he has experienced are true, others are just him finding insult where none is intended). I don't really have any friends as whenever we go out with people he spends so much time talking about himself and just moaning, I don't really want to try and have friends anymore.

Sorry, massive post with no real point. I just don't know how I got here and wish I could wake up tomorrow and be in the life I imagined I would live.

OP I know the feeling you describe.

I felt totally trapped in my marriage. I couldn't see a way out. He would have nowhere to go, would have an extreme reaction, would start drinking again etc. I finally did it. And all those things I was worried about happened, and then some. Much worse than I had even imagined. But the feeling of relief and knowing I was out of it was better than all the bad.

How are things for you??

Shoddyduchess are you ok? Please reply. Your message sounds terrifying to live with. But this is your life, please stay with and fight for your life, your right to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel worthy. Please stay with yourself. Yes you need to detach from him, but you need to stay with yourself also. Imagine you had a friend who was telling you what you just wrote, how would you feel for her? He is not your responsibility. He is an adult. Let him sort himself out, that is not your job.

'Imagine you had a friend who was telling you what you just wrote, how would you feel for her?'

Think about this OP, I find it a really useful way to think about difficult situations. We're often a lot kinder and more clear headed with other people than we are with ourselves.

You do not have to stay in this awful life with this truly awful man. You deserve so much better

Hi, I'm ok, thank you for asking. Just been busy with work which is good, nice to have some distraction. No change at home, I'm now being ignored which is much better than the behaviour at the weekend. I feel as if I have told him so many times that the marriage is over and then always backed off so now he just ignores me when I say this.

Anyway, as soon as I get a quiet moment at work I will call women's aid and see what they say. I have family around but they've had to get involved before and I can't face that again, it's too humiliating especially when I've stayed

Very good plan to phone Women's Aid, they are the best people to advise you right now x

What kind of visa is he on? What would happen if you divorced? Would he have the right to live here?

You really need to speak to a solicitor and get some good advice there.

You do know you can't stay married to him forever, don't you? He's talking out of his backside when he talks about a second wife - that isn't legal here. Besides, who would marry him if he can't support them financially? Not being funny, but he's not much of a catch.

I know ImperialBlether, it's just said to be nasty - I feel like the more time has gone on, the less I react to things like "I could cheat with anyone I want" etc. and then the more he pushes to get a reaction. The truth is the more you make threats like that, the more you push someone away until they just stop giving a shit and say "ok, go on then!".

I know it can't go on but I'm so bloody weak, I've never been able to end things, I feel like I just wish he would move on and be happy without me and I could just be on my own and have some peace of mind.

The truth is I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and I really need to jump off but I just can't do it...I want someone to push me off. That's the best way I can think of to describe how I feel.

Maybe you should get counselling - it might help you to talk things through.

It's interesting that he feels so powerful when he's absolutely fucked if you dump him. You need to remember that in fact you are the powerful one.

In the end, you have to live the life you want and not complain when you're not doing something to make your life better. If you don't want to be with him, you'll have to leave him. If you don't leave him, maybe you don't want it enough.

You don't have children to keep you together; the only reason you should be with him is because you want to be.

I really do appreciate your advice and it's so helpful to be able to "talk", but I think that's a bit of a misinterpretation and perhaps a bit harsh. Prob my fault for drip feeding as I didn't want to go into everything that has happened but I am genuinely scared to push the situation, I'm scared of being beaten or worse, of being stalked, he has a friend who's a nearby neighbour and I'm afraid of them reporting my movements, if I have anyone at the house etc.

I did say I'll speak to WA which I will. Sorry if my posts have come across as indulgent or over dramatic, I just haven't anyone else to speak to so was just reeling off my train of thought.

Thanks everyone, all the best to you

You don't sound over dramatic or anything like that op we just all want so much more for you than this.
Please contact WA ASAP they really will help you xx

Hi again, he is an abuser, there is a cycle of abuse (Google it) and he ticks all the boxes, it is normal you feel how you feel, and in regards if your family, i got the feeling they would stand by you, dont be afraid of the change. Sometimes it takes time to make life changing decisions but when you do....it ll feel so much better!
You don't owe him anything, you don't need him, he is a grown man, he wont starve, he can get himself a job and support himself.
He doesnt respect you, he doesn't care about your well being, he manipulates you , he is trying to up do you all the time, that is not what a loving relationship is about, you have a life to live.
Think of it like this, in 5 years time, what your future self would say to yourself now? (not sure if I am making much sense...).

Get proper legal advice about the house and about a divorce. Don't be alone with him any longer, leave the house and stay with your family if you have to. If you end up having to sell up then sell it.

No offence but if he's an abusive twat I wouldn't keep the house to rent it out, sell up, renting it out won't release equity to him therefore you won't be rid of him.

Sorry to say, but he will never be the one to leave. Controllers need a 'supply'. You are his supply.

If you are married, then I'm afraid you both own the house equally, regardless of whose money has paid for it.

I can only see one way of changing your life and that'll be to take the financial hit and sell the house. You will be poorer and have to rent for a while but - in your situation, totally worth it imo.

The feeling you describe is called disassociation. You get it when your brain is trying to shut out things that are very hard to cope with.

You cannot stay in a relationship that is causing you mental ill-health. It will get worse. You have to protect yourself by getting help to get rid of him.

Do not tell him your thoughts/plans. Do speak to WA and/or the police. And see a solicitor.

You aren't being over dramatic at all. You sound very lost and scared and that is real to you.
Sorry to quote back to you again, but you just said: 'I know it can't go on but I'm so bloody weak, I've never been able to end things, I feel like I just wish he would move on and be happy without me and I could just be on my own and have some peace of mind.
The truth is I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and I really need to jump off but I just can't do it...I want someone to push me off. That's the best way I can think of to describe how I feel.'
No one can push you off love, no one, not him, not us, no one. Is the edge of the cliff your marriage or are you talking about your life? If it's the latter, please pick up the phone right now and speak to the Samaritans or get Counselling. Don't let this situation take your life. You are not weak, you are unbelievably strong, as you are living with someone who has sucked the life out of you, yet you still go on, you work, you pay the mortgage, you write to us, you breathe, you survive. You are strong, he is telling you are weak because that is what he is. You are not here to save him, he has many, many demons but they are not yours to carry. You need to get away from him. He is suffocating you. You deserve more. Value your life. Save your life.

If I was your mum, I would not judge but I would want to love, help and protect you. You need to move forward and plan your escape. Contact wa to get advice..they will help you to feel stronger. The more information you have about what you can do, the more possible it is to do something. You are the resourceful one who has saved the deposit and has a good job. He is a cowardly bully. Stand tall...you have a lot to be proud of..don't let this maggot drag you down (and I don't care what in his life might have made him like this). You made the mistake of marrying him, don't blame yourself for that, but please, please move towards the light .

How are things going for you??

You are still in my thoughts and I hope things are moving forward for you