Feeling very guilty - need to get if off my chest

[Tillysmummy]

Hi all, hopefully you can help and offer some advice.

My mother, who I am very close to (sometimes too close I think) looks after my dd 2 days a week whilst I am at work. She does a fantastic job and dd loves her. she does everything as I ask her too.

She had to go part time though on her job to do this so I pay her to look after dd.

Recently we have argued quite a lot. Last week it was about food. I was going to give her a bite of a chip while we were out having lunch (homemade and very yummy chips, not rubbish) and she and my worrying grandnmother went mad saying I shouldn't because she might choke etc. This really winds me up. My grandmother is worse and because she comes regularly, gets in a flap when I give her certain finger foods so I just tell her to leave the room. I just happened to go off the handle last week and mum and I ended up in quite a slanging match and I made a very uncalled for comment about the fact that she shouldn't interfere because I paid her. It was a hideous thing to say because I know she loves dd terribly and would do it for nothing if she could afford to.

Then the other day I got home and they weren't back from her place yet. She takes her to her place quite a bit because she has a lovely big old fashioned pram which dd likes to go walking in. I ended up having a row with her yesterday saying that she spent too much time at hers and I wanted her to be looked after in her own environment. Dh and I had discussed this the day before and had agreed that I shouldn't say anything because it didn't really matter where she was as long as she was happy and well cared for.

I think i was justified to be upset that she wasn't there when I got home because I so look forward to seeing dd after work but think I was a bit mean about the going to her place thing. Considering she's so good, kind and helpful and always looking after dd for me and helping me out whenever I need it I think I have behaved badly. But still can't help getting wound up sometimes.

Because we all have such a close relationship (mum and granmother) I sometimes feel like they're interfering and feel strangely territorial about dd - is that strange ? I wonder if it is because I am slightly jealous maybe that I am not spending so much time with her and wish I didn't have to work part time (only 3 days) - what do you all think ?

I hate arguing with my mum and thinking I've hurt her. The difficulty is that with a nanny you can say anything because they are an employee and it's not a problem but with my mum I feel because I am paying her that I should be able to say anything but she does get very sensitive about anything I say and always takes it as a criticism even when it isn't.

We have discussed changing the arrangement and getting my nanny who currently does one day a week to do my mums days too but i really don't want this. I love mum looking after her. Just wish that there wasn't this conflict and that she wasn't so oversensitive sometimes. Although I know that I have said some bad things too.

It's a very difficult situation. I don't really know what to do.

Tillysmummy, I think in your position I'd apologise and try to get things back to how they were between you and your mum. I wouldn't necessarily agree that you could say anything to a nanny either - they can always leave if they don't like you as an employer

It sounds like you have a great arrangement and a lovely mum and in your position I'd want to try and keep it that way. I agree with you and your DH that it doesn't matter where dd is as long as she is happy and well cared for although perhaps you could ask your mum to try to be at your house when you get in. It is understandable that you want to see dd when you get back.

On the finger food front I'd say that mums and grandparents often interfere about things like this: it's in the job description You could try just going with what you want to do and raising one eyebrow and saying "interesting" whenever you disagree - someone's suggestion on another thread for interferring friends etc. It's a good arrangement at the moment by the sound of it: don't lose it! But rant here rather than at your mum maybe?!

No answers to this, Tillysmummy, just some comments from personal experience.

My Mum paid my grandmother for looking after us, even though Nana would happily have done it for free. The situation worked very well because it meant that Mum never felt guilty about asking Nana to do it. So it can work.

On the interfering relatives bit, my MIL confided in me recently that after ds (our first child) was born, she found it very hard to leave us and go home, because she couldn't help but feel that she was leaving him in the hands of complete amateurs! I think it must be very hard for mums and grannies to leave us to it, all the more because they love their grand/great-grand children almost as much as we do and want the best for them. So try and bear with your mum - yes, feel free to tell her (as calmly as you can- I know it's not easy) if she's upsetting you - but remember how lucky your daughter is to have so many loving and close relatives that she is happy to be with.

Also bear in mind that when baby no.2 comes along (I know how broody you are from other threads!) you'll be extremely glad to have someone to help with Tilly who you are confident she knows and loves - sounds to me like your mum will be invaluable then!

Thanks ladies and you are both right. I feel horrid about it and we have made up. I just feel it was such a hurtful thing to say.

I will try very hard to hold my tongue in future. It's just so hard sometimes. And I do find it hard that I can't be with her all the time but I know that we have chosen to live where we live so I have to work to help pay the mortgage.

I never expected the fiercely protective emotions motherhood would bring.

That's a good idea SueW - I think I'll do that. I am so grateful for all she does and I think it is mainly because I miss not being with Tilly myself. I have had a word with my granny about the worrying thing because she is a terrible worrier and my mum has inherited some of this but isn't as bad. Luckily she also recognises her mothers worrying. It is just so difficult not to get annoyed and dragged down with the worrying thing.

Tillysmummy, I do sympathise. From personal experience, I know that being looked after by a grandparent can be a great option. My mum worked full-time after I was born, and my nan, who was widowed, came to live with us and looked after me. Of course there were disagreements, both between my mum and nan, dad and nan, and later me and nan ( a generation gap thing) but it still meant so much to me to be met at the school gate, nursed through colds, taken to the dentist etc. by someone who loved me almost as much as my mum, and I was devastated when my nan died when I was 22. I agree also about the overwhelming protectiveness and love that motherhood brings- I hadn't been prepared for this at all and it makes me feel very vulnerable. I am glad that you have made things up with your mum - good luck !

It is difficult when you get a relative to look after your child and pay them too. Obviously they are going to take more liberties than an employee and it would be hard to separate the grandmother/childminder. Why not agree on some basic house rules? Say that you would like your dd to be home when you arrive whenever possible. Your mother can feed her what she likes whilst your dd is in her care, but once you arrive home, you dictate what your dd gets to eat.

Actually your mother sounds ok the food front, I have a terrible time trying to get mine not to give her chocolates and sweets. My mother thinks I am too strict on food, but I had umpteen fillings when I was little and don't want dd to have the same.

I'm sure once you and your mother sit down and talk about each other's expectations all will be fine. You just had a bad day and took it out on the one who happnened to be closet to you, I'm sure your mother understands that.

Tillysmummy, If this continues to be a problem then would it be possible for you to consider a nursery? I think it does children good to learn how to play and interact from an early age. My mother/mother- in-law were helping out to look after my dd one day a week to help out with nursery fees and they weren't getting paid for it. They both found it understandably difficult not to interfere so I decided to send dd to nursery the extra day, now their are no arguments as the mother and in law don't feel so responsible.

As I work 3 days a week she currently has 2 days with mum and one with a nanny although she starts Jigsaw for that one day a week in October. I wanted her to have interaction with other kids etc but didn't want her in a nursery 3 days.

My hubby and I discussed it at length and both agree that the benefits of having family care for her some of the time far outweigh the negatives.

Tillysmummy, My father looked after my son for 3 mths when I first returned to work as the Nursery had a long waiting list. We are very close and had similar problems to you, which I felt I was handling badly, although it was unpaid work. I bought a book about managing staff and how to give constructive criticism and praise, and I think it was enormously useful. It has also taught me to deal with the Nursery staff better, and with junior staff at work.