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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is contacting this woman the right thing to do?

22 replies

jumpoffthen · 23/07/2016 16:50

I was seeing a guy for about 6 months, who it turned out was seeing someone else at the same time. Let's call her Rebecca.

In my case, he chased after me for a very long time and he grew on me because I thought he really liked me and was a good friend and basically as soon as I was seeing him he was cheating on me with Rebecca without my knowledge.

I found out in a pretty horrible and embarrassing way and was terribly hurt at the time - I really trusted this guy and he properly played the little boy lost routine. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker and took him back - believing it was nothing and all his lies because I had never been played before and had no idea anyone could be that devious.

A couple of months later I caught him cheating with a second girl - let's call her Karen, and did not know at the time that he was actually still seeing Rebecca too.

After discovering Karen, I was absolutely devastated and called him sobbing and he did not even deny it. He really liked Karen - and saw her as proper wife material so he no longer needed /wanted me and did not even try to apologise.

I pieced together the story a little bit by spying on Rebeccas pretty crappy FB privacy settings and also grabbing his phone when he was in the toilet.

From what I have learned /read - she was the one chasing him, really nice girl, single Mum, seems really nice / decent on her FB page and she genuinely was in love with him and did not know I existed. She let him meet her child and her friends and family and was quite public about their relationship on FB.

As far as Rebecca knew, she was in a relationship with him - but I am sure -like he did with me - she was told he was "scared of commitment" after being hurt and lots more bull shit.

I watched the drama unfold on FB, and saw that Rebecca had a holiday with him in February -just three weeks after I caught / dumped his ass and it was her birthday, and then she returned from this romantic holiday with him only to see him tagging himself as "In a relationship" with Karen 48 hours later.

I watched Rebecca unfriended him, unfriended all his friends and seemed to have a very sad meltdown on FB where she cut off all her hair and changed her profile pic every 5 minutes while he waltzed off into the sunset with Karen.

He's a vile human being, total liar, and genuinely made me feel sorry for him at the time and I have felt quite bad for Rebecca and was tempted to contact her and tell her he did the same to me too.

Do you think this is a terrible idea or di you think it might help her to feel better? I am not sure why it bothers me -it could be sour grapes to a degree but I am not vindictive - I just felt like he had gotten away with it without anyone knowing!

I am sure Karen would be delighted to know that he was messaging her from my bed - but I would not bother contacting her - that feels vindictive and like it serves no purpose,

OP posts:

YvaineStormhold · 23/07/2016 16:54

Just move on.

Seriously. Direct your energy elsewhere.

Delete, block, unfriend...do whatever you need to to get into a completely different headspace.

You're better than this shit. Rise above it.

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 16:54

I would forget about it and move on and be happy.
You don't owe her nothing even tho she's been messed around too.

OurBlanche · 23/07/2016 16:57

I will say what I always say: Tell her.

I assume you would like someone to have told you before you got in to deep, presumably Rebecca would have too.

I told a friend, it took some time but she is now my friend again... Because of what it meant to her in the long run, I would always tell now.

iminshock · 23/07/2016 16:57

Walk away. Keep out of the whole thing

Summerlovinf · 23/07/2016 17:00

If Karen is your friend then you might tell her...if not then don't. She will think you are the crazy ex who is not over him

TheNaze73 · 23/07/2016 17:10

Move on from it & focus your energies elsewhere

Original poster

jumpoffthen · 23/07/2016 17:21

Thanks everyone. I will go with the majority vote!

OP posts:

SectionImperfection · 23/07/2016 17:26

I'd tell her. Why wouldn't you?

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2016 17:34

Definitely tell her! She should know what a bastard he is.

FreeFromHarm · 23/07/2016 18:50

I would tell her

trafalgargal · 23/07/2016 19:19

So you want to tell her he wasn't just cheating on her with one woman but two? How exactly will this help her? How in any way could this make her feel better rather than worse?
Leave her alone

hollyisalovelyname · 23/07/2016 19:42

I'd tell her so she wouldn't waste time grieving over a bas**rd

AddToBasket · 23/07/2016 20:51

Don't tell. Maybe she has an exam that day, or her mum is dying, or she is so upset that she has a car crash. Maybe she will find out but you haven't involved yourself in her hurt.

More concerning is that people who are given bad news can be unpredictable and she might take this out on you or get weird with you. Especially if she suspected that you did it out of malice whether to her or to ex-DP.

You are not obligated and you don't actually know what their relationship consists of. Leave alone and yes, enjoy being shot of the twat.

Spangletine · 23/07/2016 21:21

Would you wanna know? I would.

Claraoswald36 · 23/07/2016 21:40

I think I would want to know. Privately though

amarmai · 24/07/2016 00:10

Why keep secrets for his benefit? He kept secrets to benefit himself? Tell the truth to all and sundry. Blow his cover.

EttaJ · 24/07/2016 00:32

I would leave it. Before DH ,I had a boyfriend and he was meant to be seeing his parents that weekend so not seeing me which of course was fine. We had only been together a few months but I liked him plenty . One day I got a call and it was a girl asking for him. I said is that his mum? No she's says I'm not his mum , who the fuck are you she asked. I said I'm his girlfriend ,who are YOU seeing as you called me. She replied his fiancée!! That was awkward! I felt terrible and she asked me to describe his house and I did and that convinced her .

She became an absolute nightmare , phoning ME for advice, popping round my place to discuss it. I binned him immediately,obviously but he was lying about it until she said she knew I'd been to the house . They got back together and she threatened me! To stay away. I told her not to worry and that she was VERY welcome to him! So leave well alone or you may get the blame OP.

SandyY2K · 24/07/2016 02:17

Don't waste your time and energy.

Leave the lot of them to get on with it and move on.

trafalgargal · 26/07/2016 03:10

She'll get over him quicker thinking he met one person and fell for her rather than knowing he was cheating on her with multiple women. If you want someone to bitch about him to use your own friends or family not a stranger with her own problems to deal with.

Original poster

jumpoffthen · 26/07/2016 21:52

Thanks all. I decided not to tell her.

I am not sure why I felt I should. It just seemed annoying / unfair that she did not know the truth.

I imagine, in her shoes she'd be all like "oh he did not want a relationship and now he is in one and he did this to me on my birthday no less" and just feeling worthless and shit.

I thought maybe it would be good for her to know that HE was the worthless and shit one - not her.

Not sure why, she seems so nice and he is such a prick but you're right - it's been 3 months now since she found out - so maybe best leave well enough alone.

I hope she isnt mourning the nob.

OP posts:

nooofthenoodle · 26/07/2016 22:50

I think I would tell her. I was the Rebecca In a similar situation, not cheating with all of us but was nice to hear from another woman who had been put though the ringer and to know it was him that was disordered and inadequate rather than wondering if it was me that was lacking in some way. It might help her but can appreciate others concerns that maybe she will question your motives or become unpredictable. Tough one sorry you met a knob x

FreeFromHarm · 26/07/2016 23:59

I agree with Noodles, I was in the same situation , wish someone had spoken up and cared enough

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