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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have no quality of life.

51 replies

The2Ateam · 23/07/2016 09:15

Sorry, wasn't sure where to post this?

I've had terrible PMT this month, but I've resolved that my feeling so sad, despondent and emotional is more than my hormones, but that my hormones make it harder to manage my everyday life.

I realise that I have no quality of life at all. I have two children, work full time in a demanding job, with a long community. Elderly parents, one with cancer and a DH who is little more than useless.

I barely see my children because of work, but have to earn what I do to pay mortgages & bills, which mostly I do alone because DH refuses to do anything other than be self-employed which means sometimes there is money and sometimes not.

I earn a good wage, but can't afford to go on holiday or move to a better area where the kids could go to a better school. I spend weekends chasing my tail. Housework & helping my parents.

I never go out and feel like my friends/cousins have all become closer, holidaying together etc, while I can't because they are financially more comfortable.

I suffer from such parental guilt, that I am not doing the best for my children& I am a terrible mum for always being at work.

I just don't know how to fix this mess which is my head and life, but I do know that I am exsisting rather than living. Any tips would be gratefully received. Thank you.

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 26/07/2016 18:13

OP bear in mind that attendance allowance is backdated from when you apply for it, not when they process the paperwork, which can take a few weeks. Am sure the cleaner will help take some of the pressure off.

bobbinpop · 26/07/2016 19:39

I take antidepressants for a week a month (citalopram) at a fairly low dose. I'm pregnant now, so on a much more even keel and find it soooo much easier. Even during my last twin preg, was less rough than pmt!!

Jayfee · 26/07/2016 22:30

What exactly does dh do??

Original poster

The2Ateam · 27/07/2016 06:33

Jayfee he does a lot of housework and school runs. But these are not what I/we need. What I want, which improve mine and my children's quality of life is for him to earn regularly and not often have periods of no or little work. That way I perhaps could drop a day at work, do some school runs, see my parents more. I also wouldn't be permanently worried about making ends meet and could save more for holidays and meals out. I am not convinced though that divorce would be the right thing for my children at this stage. As I said, I have no quality of life.

OP posts:

Jayfee · 27/07/2016 10:40

But what work ss srlf employed i.e.to bring in money.

Jayfee · 27/07/2016 10:40

Sorry as self employed (predictive text!!)

Fomalhaut · 27/07/2016 13:24

I was going to suggest age uk - they are a fantastic resource!

And dh would be told to shape up or ship out I'm afraid.

Original poster

The2Ateam · 27/07/2016 18:56

jayfee it's sporadic. He has a trade but always sub contracts to the same company. However is reluctant/doesn't/won't be proactive about finding other work when none available with that company. So as a result periods of weeks and even months with little or no wage from him, which means I am paying for everything.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 27/07/2016 19:00

It's funny you've said the kids love him

But do you?

KickAssAngel · 27/07/2016 19:13

so when he's not working is he doing the full roll of a SAHP? Many 'mums' take on caring for their in-laws because they are the one at home - could he help out there some more? That way, when you're home, you are actually able to be at home and relax.

There are many households where one parent works FT and the other takes on almost all domestic responsibility. If the SAHP keeps up with things mid week, then chores at weekends should be split and not too onerous for either adult - they should both be able to enjoy the weekend.

If he's effectively the SAHP then divorce could mean the kids being with him the majority of the time, and you paying child maintenance.

Jayfee · 27/07/2016 19:15

No I don't think that's at all reasonable. If you are self employed you have to go out and get the work. My husband has been self employed for years and years and often employs sub contractors. You either do that, or you get a job with a company as his subcontractor electrician has just done. Being self employed is tougher than being paye. You definitely need to sort this out with him. It really makes me wonder why some men (and women) don't realise that having a family means you have to behave like a grown up. You get fathers playing computer games, texting and facebooking lkke they are carefree teenagers. I don't know whether Relate could help. Maybe start with your gp?? You need some guidance I think. Good luck.

Needtofeelsomething · 27/07/2016 22:31

It sounds like you're married to my ex! He was self employed but that actually involved sitting on the sofa while I did everything. And he magically always has money for fags!

I've ditched the useless arse now!

Original poster

The2Ateam · 27/07/2016 22:41

Money is our real sticking point, it always has been to be honest. He's not lazy though, when he's got work he works really hard, but I suppose he's laid back attitude is because he has th freedom of relying on me that I don't have with him.

OP posts:

Jayfee · 27/07/2016 23:08

If he had enough work,perhaps you could work less. It doesn't sound like he is supporting you 100%. Most self employed people get work by recommendation and by starting off with very competitive quotes till people know their work. We have booked plumbers and carpet layers from checkatrade, so that might help him get more work? Your family life seems to be putting a heavier burden on you than him. If you love on another, you need to try work with him to redress the balance.

Original poster

The2Ateam · 27/07/2016 23:12

jayfee that has always been my point exactly! Even dropping one day a week would make a huge difference to me. I have explained this to him many times over, he says he understands and 'this year' will be different but it never is.

OP posts:

Jayfee · 27/07/2016 23:39

So how would he react if you asked him what exactly he is going to do to make things different?

Jayfee · 28/07/2016 00:08

You need a get lovely husband earning more action plan!!

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2016 05:45

Still no answer about how you feel about him apart from his earning potential I notice

Iamnotanugget · 28/07/2016 06:08

I am a sahp and dh works full time but all earnings/benefits/gifts are considered joint money. Out of this we pay bills, put a bit aside for holidays, Christmas etc and each get some 'pocket money' in our personal account. I know you don't feel like you have 5 minutes but sit down and draw up a budget (moneysavingexpert and the Good Budget app are free and very useful). If once you've budgeted for anything else there's no enough money for his cigarettes then he has a choice, stop or earn. It's not financially abusive, it''s taking control so everyone can enjoy a better quality of life. You're doing a great job and shouldn't feel guilty about what you do but do think about you'd feel if one of your dc married someone like your dh.

Hellothereitsme · 28/07/2016 06:50

Well then OP. It all comes back to your H. You need more money to improve your quality of life but this means your H needs to earn more money. There have been some good ideas on here so what do you think you now need to do to change this situation?

Original poster

The2Ateam · 28/07/2016 08:36

BitOutOfPractice I love my husband, he's a nice, kind person but when things are on top of me like this I resent him massively. It's hard not to. Does that answer your question?

OP posts:

Original poster

The2Ateam · 28/07/2016 08:44

ImNotanuggett I couldn't agree with your post more. I would be gutted if my daughter ended up in my situation. One of the reasons I am so driven and have been career focused is because I want to give them what I didn't have growing up. My parents were fairly poor, but amazing parents. I think I have ended up trapping myself in the process, if that makes any sense?!

Hellothereitsme Yes, amazing support and advice on this thread. Mumsnet at its best. When the kids go back to school I am going to take a secret day off and sit in the library to draw up: A budget, definitive school run/pick-up rota, flexible working business plan to put forward at work for me, and a plan to help DH generate more work for himself. I am also going to try anti D's for the week before my period. If none of that works, I am going to have to resign myself to either divorcing him, when my children are a bit older or shutting up and putting up. Xxx

OP posts:

Hellothereitsme · 28/07/2016 09:05

Well done TheA you are already sounding more positive as you are taking control of the situation. Do your list and tackle your H as that seems to be the main issue. The PMT is probably a result of your life situation - so many women end up on anti D's because of useless partners.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2016 09:20

It does but I think it's telling that it's taken this long for you to say " I love him"

I don't blame you for feeling like that btw. I would too.

newname99 · 28/07/2016 09:39

I would also get him to stop smoking, it so expensive and must be costing the family a fortune which would be spent on treats.There is lots of help out there.

I suspect your dh & you are growing apart, everyone needs to change & grow and it seems as if he is afraid to do anything diferent.He is within his comfort zone and perhaps doesnt have your ability to change.Most corporate style workplaces encourage change but in small building industries (as an example) doing the same thing is the norm.It can lead to a fixed mindset.

How old is he? Does he have anyone close to him that might be able to positively influence him?

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