Leave or Wait to be Left by Unfaithful & Ungrateful Spouse?

[thefamilywarrior]

Hello beautiful people, I'm pretty much new, be gentle

My Wife (30) and I (33) are having the toughest time of our 7 years of married life. I love her with every single breath and will put nobody/nothing above her - she knows this so well. She however appears to have fallen out of love for me. She's got some issues from dating phase: depression, low self-esteem, etc. But I made her a promise I will always stand by her and I have ever since against all odds. These issues have become manageable and we've been blessed with three lovely kids (2, 4 & 7 years of age). She got her first job in forever and it looks like we can both finally combine our income into the dream house. Then, things started to fall apart. She met a guy at work and threw all of her emotions and care on him within a month, at my expense (she stopped caring and started avoiding communication). I found out about her intimate and emotional but not erotic messages including those proving the guy was why she's been returning home late and absent minded when I take her and the kids out. Her first reaction showed she's ready to let go (like this guy she's only met in a month meant more), she said this is the end of the relationship, etc but she later on apologized and claimed I'm all she wants.

Things however don't add up ever since. I have lived everyday of my life since that day loving her 100% and lavishing all my love and care - she only does chores like once in 2 weeks for fun - I've got it all covered. She on the other hand had been more distant, trying to create conflict and fights. She shows complete lack of care, love and interest - it's like I am begging for her love everyday. Once she gets any stress element (even from work), I am her emotional punching bag. She'll start saying things like 'I hate being married', 'wish I waited till I was more mature', etc. I will spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how to make her life better.

I have lost my trust in her as she has repeatedly broken it (although I have no proof she's taken a man to bed, taking all the emotions and care meant for me to someone else in such short time of meeting wrecks me). She was googling if she's got herpes the other night and I was wondering from who. She still gets alone in the car with this guy and expects me to suddenly accept that her crush is now just a friend. This is a lady that made me give up watching a PG-13 movie because there were ladies wearing bikini in them (she's that controlling and selfish). She can't give up her special friendship with her special friend who's now all over her with attempts and utterances as well. Don't want to bore you with all the details. The problem is I am fed up of the selfishness, lack of consideration and rejection especially the daily fear of the uncertainty of how long we'll be together for.

I worry about my kids and from her conversations with her mum, that's the only present reason she's still with me. The problem though is that I am not functioning 100% at work/business which will affect the same kids I am trying to protect on the long term provision-wise. Should I press my own exit button and move on or wait for her to complete the shock? This has intensified for the past 8 months and she would not attend counselling.

I will be glad if anyone can help me with tips.

Thanks

You're all falling for it

Just to me looks like this guy thinks he is perfect. If he loves her so much why does he talk about her with such contempt? She's had "issues", does chores for fun rarely, she has just got a job for the first time in forever - why is that? Because she had your baby when she was 23. I may be overly sensitive but i would bet my last tenner that the problem here is that his wife has got a job, mr control freak is jealous, she has seen the light and wants out but also is vulnerable and co-dependent, he is accusing her of contracting herpes and pulling the wounded spouse routine and you're all falling for it. I doubt anyone will agree, bring it on. Been there is all.

Thanks Somerville

Thanks AugustMoon for your view, it's easy for you to assume this is a situation you've been through. This is however what I've battled for years until the last 8 months reveal it's deeper and all that was lacking was the opportunity for her to act it. People forget anger/hate comes with the same measure you've loved. The only counseling session we had revealed she's actually got a committed to one guy issue. if we didn't have kids early on, she would have easily exited early on. You'll need to be in my shoe to truly experience the hurt.

When you've worked a long 9 hour and stay awake every night pondering what will become of the beautiful family you've started because of someone's selfishness and promiscuity, you'll have the closest idea to why I found a site like this to get real people's view

Ok. If she doesnt love you, you need to let her go. Is the rejection you speak of sexual? What is the content of the messages? Do you think there's a possibility you could be thinking the worst? Why do you think your wife has felt the need to confide in someone else?

Thanks Ouriana,
I've started the withdrawal tactic this week (although hard) and it's slightly effective. She's beginning to go through my phone and asking who's been chatting me at work. I'll normally take the kids when I'm going food/cloth shopping. I hinted I'll go myself on Tuesday and she indicated I'm meeting someone there so she followed me.
I'm watching improvements or otherwise while gradually gathering strength for next step.

AugustMoon,
Sex is the least of our problem. Our sexual chemistry is great and we're both always satisfied. Although other things started creeping into sex lately as if she's absent minded (may just be that the situation is making me over-think that aspect).
The messages were all 'I miss you and can't wait to see you again' in nature. She starts texting him once she's on her way to work and immediately after she's parted with him. Found out he was dropping her off few minutes walk away from home. She's even texting him as late at night about how his evening is going while she withdraws from me and the kids...

Are you actually shitting me AugustMoom ?? How many threads are there on here of "He's a really great father, and when he's lovely he's lovely, but he's having an affair"? How many of those women get the same treatment this man has? You've pretty much said "You are a man, therefore it must be all your fault". Jesus fucking Christ.

thefamilywarrior; you need to be very very careful about sex. If she has caught an STI from him, then you'll catch it too. *And condoms will not protect you from herpes, which you will have for life once you catch it" Personally, I would say, knock the sex on the head. You don't know where she's been, or what she might have. Get yourself checked out.

And I know it's the Daily Fail, but this article backs up my point about how you shouldn't be the one to move out: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3711707/Could-demeaning-Middle-aged-Separated-kids-paying-mortgage-oh-yes-having-share-flat-divorced-dads.html

Go and get yourself some legal advice.

I'm going to reply the same as I would if the roles were reversed.

Leave the bitch.

This is not a nice woman. This is a nasty woman.

Find some strength and dignity, get rid and think about having some counselling to discover why you find yourself besotted with such an unpleasant character.

Thanks for sharing that Madgingermunchkin,
The aftermath is scary reading that story. Hoping to get a fair agreement. I've abstained ever since the discovery of possible STIs.
Thanks CalmItKermitt, I'll have to eventually leave. It just needs more planning as it's a marriage with kids involved.
I'll need to find a solicitor as advised. If I hadn't opened this thread, I'll most likely have initiated a divorce without enough preparation. Thanks for your priceless hints

I really am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I know you want to play fair, but if your wife's current behaviour is anything to go by, she will not play fair . Get yourself a shit hot lawyer, and like with buying a car, go high and be willing to negotiate down.

Good luck.

No i'm not shitting you. Maybe you're right, maybe i'm biased. But im reading between the lines and seeing a woman who is deeply unhappy "i hate being married", stressed out, with a DH who says he adores her but i wonder why she's not feeling loved...? To the extent that she has embarked on, at the very least, an emotional affair. I have a tendency to sympathise with the underdog and think there is often a reason for reckless behaviour. Is your DW promiscuous OP? You mentioned her "promiscuity".
Its entirely possible that she is just nasty as suggested. Either way, yes back off. Stop with the love and see if you can't get to the route of her issues with you... is it simply that she doesnt love you, wants something else, or has she got issues saying no to anyone who shows her kindness? Or is it something more specific about your marriage that she is unhappy with. What has she actually said in response to you - assuming you've confronted her about her behaviour? Have you asked her why she was googling Herpes?

You deserve so much better. Cheating is cheating, regardless of how far it's gone.
It's hard to give things closure but, you need to bin her off. Her behaviour is disgusting

The saying around here to women is LTB (leave the bast*d). I'll say the same to you LTB (leave the bi*h).

She's got no respect for you and now you're trying to detach she is following you.

Do the 180 by reading and implementing the link below.

m.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/2ndp35/doing_the_180_advice_regarding_infidelity_that/

I'd take one step at a time, I'd sit her down and ask her if she still wants to be with you or if she wants to be with this other man.You need to give her an ultimatum and decide what happens from there. I would not even be thinking about custody arrangements until you have establish what is going on in her head.One thing is certain, in that you can not carry on with things as they are now because it will destroy you. I hope you manage to work things out, even though the odds seem stacked against you, I've seen other relationships rebuilt, if both partners are willing.

Thanks for your support everyone. Thanks Naze, madginger, mumofthemonsters...
Sandy, the link you sent me is priceless, I'll need such guide while buying time, I don't think I can make an actual leave decision in the next 2/3 months. AugustMoon, if it helps your curiosity, she gets jealous of her siblings and doesn't feel loved by her mum even though her mum appears to lavish the most care on her than any of them - maybe there's something deeper there. It'll be a genuine reason to cheat on her mum if she could I suppose. I've gathered too much evidence before my initial confrontation and she opened up as much as she could that she's guilty but with a cheeky hint of it's not that bad because her workplace boasts of other unfaithfully attached people. She'll normally not talk, it's either too early/late in the day for her to discuss even in the cool of the afternoon. I've not confronted her about my awareness that she's carrying on with her acts post-confrontation; I've confronted her about 3 times and no longer wish to safe for a final one that precedes separation.
I'm grateful for all the support I've had on this thread, it's enlightened and strengthened me more than before.

That's interesting, thanks. What else is wrong with her? Why do you love her? How could she cheat on her mum?

Have nothing helpful to say, but you sound like a wonderful man. She doesn't deserve you