Am I in the wrong?

[inarmsofanangel]

Me and h have been separated a year now. I won't go into too much detail but I took the children and left after discussing options. He wanted to stay in the family home and not move so I basically I had little option but to leave.(with nothing and started again) He is still there. We are a couple of hours away.
I've let him come and see the children whenever he wants and I take them there every 2/3 weekends. I have to stay there as he can't cope he says with all of them. (2,4,6) I end up being involved in everything and basically look after them when they are there. I don't like this situation but he has rarely spent much time with them and not been hand on at all so I don't feel 100 per cent leaving them either overnight tbh.
Every thing is still on his terms. Sometimes he says he's too tired to come or has cancelled once I've told the children ect.
Anyway, he texted me this week saying he wanted to see the children on Friday (not if it was ok with me or if I had plans) I said that was fine. Heard nothing and presumed he'd be here as he usually is fairly early.
I waited until 9.30 am as hadn't heard anything and texted, no reply, then I tried to call twice. At about 2pm I presumed he wasn't coming and so popped out with the kids to get some lunch.
I then got a text message saying 'wasted journey then'. I replied saying I'd be right back and that I'd been trying to call. I called again several times and no answer.
I got back home and an hour or so later he texted saying he'd see the kids in their 'proper home' 'I'll see them whenever you think they should spend time in their own home'.
This month has been a difficult time as I was referred to a cancer unit to have biopsy for which I am waiting for the results which is just a bit more stressful than usual.
What should I have done?
I don't understand as sometimes he seems absolutely fine and others he just turns again. Like before, I feel like he likes to build me up and kick me when I'm down.

He is walking all over you.
If he cant look after his children properly dont drop them off there !
And if doesnt text you back go out for lunch and dont look back!
Why did you move out of the family home with 3 children??

He seems so demanding and you are trying too hard to accommodate everyone.
He is a grown man. If he needs a babysitter to be around is children he needs to review his parenting skills.

You need to look after your needs first. Not his.

THINGS NEED TO CHANGE.

Fingers crossed for your diagnosis xxxx

I completely understand why you want to do everything you can to facilitate contact. It's laudable. But reading how far you are bending over backwards for this twat to pick and choose whether and how far he sticks to his responsibilities made me want to kick him. You are only in the wrong insofar as you are enabling him being a twat. I would like to recommend simply saying to him "you can collect at a designated time and place each fortnight" and letting him deal with that how he chooses - no discussion or deviation. But I can understand why you'd be reluctant to drop the poor kids on him. What a twat!

I think you need to stop being a complete mug

Excuse, a few reasons.
My main one was the eggshells I was constantly walking on. He'd not speak to me for days sometimes if I'd apparently done something.(usually no idea what) I could never do anything right and just constant criticism for silly things. For example one day I spent ages doing the garden and thought he'd be pleased, he wasn't. He was upset as he'd wanted to do it or I dressed the kids wrong ect (he never dressed them himself btw) Even nappies I put on wrong! :(

You should never have left the family home. He's taking the pee. Are you going to divorce this piece of work? You need legal advice and stop being walked over. Cab is a good starting point.

This is all about him trying to exert control over you. If he can't "manage" all of the kids at once, maybe he could take two one week and two the next.
I think the not being able to manage guff is just an excuse to get you running round there with them and making you feel like you have to stay.
The same with the cancelling, or not confirming pick up times. It is all mind games.
Get some legal advice. Don't let him continue to bully you. It's not good for you, or your kids.

Move back in and kick him out. He's a total tosser, controlling and ea, by the sound of it.

He still has you walking on those eggshells. Can you see how he's keeping you on dancing on your toes? Come here, be there, do this, be that? It's an ingrained habit, I've been there and done that, but this is a habit you have to break.

Set a schedule for the children and stick to it, tell him he's on his own to deal with them, that you will no longer be the unpaid skivvy for the children in his home. He enjoys this because it puts you back in the position you had before you separated. At his beck and call and available for his bullying and criticism.

Think about J.A.D.E. Never, ever;
Justify
Apologize
Defend
Explain
anything you do to him. He has no right to question you or dictate what you do.

Have you seen a solicitor? Do you think you'd benefit from counseling?

Well, I'd be tempted to unleash the verbal shit storm that he deserves!
But better to keep your cool.

What an arsehole to drive all that way then deliberately ignore your messages and calls because he takes more pleasure in being a shit to you, than he does in seeing his kids.

As others have said, what you're doing wrong is letting him take the piss.

I would text him calmly and say, "we need fixed arrangements so that there aren't problems like today".

It's tricky because you're the one that has moved quite far away, so generally I would say the onus is on you to do the travel. But I do think it's better for the kids to go to him than him to your new home - easier to control you not being there, and him not being in your house. He absolutely should not be.

I would propose "one weekend a month I will you will bring them to you on Fri at 19:00, and collect at 16:00 on Sun. I will not stay. If you want a second weekend, you can collect them from me at the same times, and take them back to your house. This will start ".

Ignore any demands that you stay. Do not tell the kids on the first weekend what is happening in case he deliberately goes out. Be vague about how long you're going for. Arrange to stay somewhere Fri night so that if he's not there, or refuses to have them without you, you have somewhere to go. Tell the kids you're going to but you haven't decided what you want to do yet. Bring a friend to help you keep your resolve - harder for him to be a doorstep arsehole saying he needs you there with an audience!

He will cope just fine with 3 - he's being an arsehole controlling you playing on your good parenting of your kids.

And get to a bloody solicitor and start your divorce!

I don't doubt he's not paying maintenance currently

Maybe talk to Women's Aid as I suspect you're dealing with the fallout of an abusive marriage too and may find it hard to say no to him.

Good luck, and good luck with your medical issues. x

Thank you all, sorry someone popped in and got side tracked ! It's utterly frustrating.
Why do I feel guilty, even sorry for him? I just cannot get my head around it.
Also I feel guilty about starting a divorce because I know I would probably get half and I don't feel entitled as when I was married I was a SAHM and he worked.
I know I have got to wisen up. My mum keeps on at me about divorce but I don't think she understands my feelings. It's almost like I am entrapped into feeling guilty or not entitled. Worst of all I know it is probably in the best interest of the children.
I do feel i have to do most of the travelling because I moved away.
problems were there most of our marriage and it took me a long time to get the guts to move out but as we had not been in that area very long and it was London, it would have been too expensive for me to set up there again.
My mum helped me financially when we left.

Practiaclly, I know you are all right. I kick myself for feeling the way i do and for being the way I am. There are no feelings there whatsoever (of love, liking or hate!) I just feel dead to the relationship but still being strung along.

Thank you all again :)

Why do I feel guilty, even sorry for him? I just cannot get my head around it.
Because he's programmed you to feel that way

Also I feel guilty about starting a divorce because I know I would probably get half and I don't feel entitled as when I was married I was a SAHM and he worked.
Because he's programmed you to feel that way

It's almost like I am entrapped into feeling guilty or not entitled.
Because he's programmed you to feel that way

I kick myself for feeling the way i do and for being the way I am.
Because he's programmed you to feel that way

I just feel dead to the relationship but still being strung along.
Because he's programmed you to feel that way

You see how insidious this is? I was where you are, once upon a time. But you can break free. You'll find that the first time you stand up to him and refuse to cave, you'll see that you do have the power to control your own life.

Being a SAHM does not mean you didn't make a contribution, how much would it have cost him to employ someone for childcare, housekeeping, cooking and cleaning? And even if you still feel you're not entitled to take anything out of the marriage your DC most certainly are entitled. Honestly OP I don't see how you're any better off than you were before you left, he's still controlling you and you're still dancing to his tune. You need to finalise the split (divorce) and formalise the arrangements for the DC because until you do he will keep messing you all around and fucking with your head. Don't think about it anymore, don't let doubt creep in that you're somehow being unfair or don't deserve for this to be sorted properly, see a solicitor and get things moving because nothing will change until you do.

Wow wow wow.
Omg I'm sorry your going through this I too have been in an abusive relationship and know exactly what you mean!
Firstly I just want to say.. Never mind he can't cope with three children. Pardon my french but... ( He wasn't saying that when he stuck his F penis in you)
They are his children and yours if he wants to see them he shares responsibility. You deserve the chance at a proper relationship with a man that treats you like golddust and you can't do this stuck this prick. I really want to kick him in his never region!!
Never mind you moved so you can travel ect. You've done enough.
He kicked you out of the family home you had to find somewhere to live with his three children. He travels if he wants to see them. No mothering this moron. Shock the hell out of him call his bluff.
If he wants to be apart of his childrens life he travels to pick them up and drop them back off when the weekend is over. Tell him he can see them when he likes and yeah you'll help with the travel but only if he does his half and of not he should travel.
You need a break and bloody hell you have major health issue. You need a weekend of sleep and pampering. You didn't create those children yourself.

File a divorce, take half of everything it's owed to you! He worked you bore his children and looked after the family home. You both earnt that money.
Normally if he was being decent I would absolutely say work with him. Be fair ect ect.
Not with this guy only thing he deserves is the dog poo on your shoe X

So true of you all. :( Funnily enough he probably spends more time with the kids now than when we were there as he never had any time for us.
I have been emotionally numb for a long time even before we went.
I have started a new life here, started studying again to prepare to get back to work this next year and have made a nice home for us. I've been so much happier and calm on my own. I think I need to keep using the time to build myself up again and realise what he is up to.
He had told my daughter (6) we should be a family again and he wants us to go home bla bla (she told me) but he always speaks to me through the children and always did.
If I was in the room and he didn't like what one of them was wearing he'd say (to dd/ds) 'what are you wearing that for? or 'you look like a baby' ect...I knew this was not good for the kids but he still does it now.

I wish I'd kept a diary of all the crazy little things and read back as they'll pop up every so often and I think wtf?

There's truth in everything everyone has written - so thanks much for helping me to see the woods for the trees. That is what I can't see right now.
x

Normally if he was being decent I would absolutely say work with him. Be fair ect ect. - Yes, I've bent over backwards to accomodate

Being a SAHM does not mean you didn't make a contribution, how much would it have cost him to employ someone for childcare, housekeeping, cooking and cleaning? I 'know' this too just need to let it sink in.

Across the pond - interestingly he IS a programmer (a computer one albeit! )

Here if you need to talk.. Keep coming back for advice.. Even if it's juts to rant.
You are already taking the right steps
You just need to get contact in place and then you can really make a difference in your life. If he goes through the children ignore it. They will become bored of it and frustrated and realise what he is doing one day they will Snap and say talk to her yourself.
Just be the best mum you can be om your own, if you can achieve that you have nothing to worry about.
As parents we all make mistakes but it's how we handle them that counts. We can't beat ourselves up for them.

Nothing will make him sicker than you making something of yourself FOR yourself. Not that you really care but it's nice to know you can be independent and everyone can realise that.
You will have your down days, the children will drive you nuts. But there Wi be more ups than downs.

Remember you're human. There is only so much one human can take.
One day you will stop feeling numb and when that day comes your first feeling will probably be liberation.
All those feelings you held together and didn't allow in and you will realise just how much her treated you badly.
Then one day someone will walk in your life a they will show you exactly what was missing.
Inbetween all this do things.. Get out! Book a break away.. Do things to feel again
Has anyone ever said to you? Look around you are now free!!!

He probably was waiting for you to go out just to have a go. You need to tell him after his stunt yesterday you need to commence the divorce and make formal arrangement to see the kids. When you make those arrangements, make it clear that if there is no response then you will not be waiting in.

Not only did you stay at home, saving cleaning, childcare costs as pointed out OP, you probably put your study and and career on hold too, thus enabling and supporting him to get the well paid job he's in today. You're entitled to at least 50%. When I divorced my SHL took all the loss of earnings from the years I stayed at home whilst supporting him in his career into account. I got far more than I expected. Don't feel guilty for getting what you deserve.

Yes Cary, I actually gave up one job when we married as he wanted to move. I wanted to work but just wasn't able to with the children and his long hours. He would have paid a lot more for childcare. We never had shared accounts and I was given a monthly allowance to my account for household stuff. I didn't really know anything about finances as he did all that but before I left I photocopied everything and found out my name was not even on the deeds. (probably my fault for not knowing before or even being aware, just assumed)
I still have all the photocopies with me which hopefully might help if divorce happens.
Thank you lovelife. I guess next steps will be trying to bring myself to apply for divorce and find the money for it
It is stressful being on my own with the kids at times and I never sit down but i never did when I was in the marriage and that was a whole lot harder with walking on the eggshells too!
Doreen, I wouldn't put it past him!

First step is a trip to CAB. They will give you a list of local family lawyers Ring a few and see where you can get an hour's free consultation. The one I went with sent me a pre appointment form to complete and send to her prior my first appt. This saved a lot of time because she had all the info at hand when we first met. Photocopy any financial stuff you can find. You'll be fine. Go with a solicitor you click with.

It won't matter if your name is not on the deeds, if you are married it will still be classed as marital property.

Your solicitor will be able to advise you but you would still be entitled to a share of the house if you're not on the deeds, you just have to register 'home rights' with the land registry. That means he would either have to give you a percentages of the value of the house or sell up and split the proceeds. Your DC deserve for you to be able to build the best life possible for them and that's much easier to do with some money behind you so doing things properly and getting what you're entitled to in the divorce is the right thing to do for their sake.

percentage

It is stressful being on my own with the kids at times and I never sit down but i never did when I was in the marriage and that was a whole lot harder with walking on the eggshells too!

Being on your own with kids is stressful under the best of circumstances. But at least you don't have the 'additional child' to mind nor his comments/demands/criticisms! Personally, I'd take the single parent route over that any day!!

You know, you may want to take a look at your routines and expectations as far as the children go. It may very well be that some of his expectations or your fears of his reactions are still present in the way you do things. I didn't have children (thank God) with my ex, but after I kicked him out I found I was still stressed because I was still doing things a certain way, or not doing other things the way I wanted to, based on fear of his reaction. Once I realized that I relaxed and did things my way! So take a look. Maybe there are some things you can do differently or 'relax a bit' on.

Ha! A computer programmer eh? Well, doesn't surprise me. There was one I worked with who was very manipulative. He seemed to have a knack for finding people's weak spots and had figured out the mechanics of 'If I want XX result from so-and-so, I will do XX to get it'.

How I found a SHL: I looked on the Resolution site for family lawyers near me. Then, if you can possibly afford it, choose a senior woman with a decade or more experience post qualifying (the date is in their profile on there).

Although I had no ready cash to speak of (I did have enough for the actual divorce, but not for the settlement negotiation), I was able to pay after the settlement was made. It depends on the financials whether they would consider this, I think?