P (definitely not D, now ex) started his usual shpiel on Saturday night after a drink, calling me a stupid slag/ disgusting whore etc and telling me nobody would ever want me or 'put up with my shit'. Threatened to knock me out, launched his phone at my head. I hadnt done anything - just didn't want to have sex with him as he only wants to when he's drunk which i think is degrading. I don't know what came over me, but I rang the police for the first time in 4 years. He left.
Loads of other issues - he has bipolar, but doesn't treat it properly. He smokes a ton of weed. Goes out and gets drunk every other day. financially abusive - will buy himself hundreds of pounds worth of trainers while I'm searching the drawers for pennies for a sack of potatoes. When he is home, he's so zoned out that he can't/ won't even have a conversation with me. Has massive anger issues that are always directed at me. Wouldn't dream of tidying up after himself, taking his cup to the kitchen, scraping his plate etc. He's so moody and negative about everything, which brings me down. I do end up moaning a lot which winds him up even more - that is so far removed from my personality usually, but I found myself turning into this moany, miserable girl.
I don't deserve this. Once my daughters in bed, I study till very late to ensure I get top grades at uni, so I can hopefully get a scholarship for a masters to qualify for my dream career. I recently got offered the most perfect job which will massively help me get to where I need to be. I raise our daughter pretty much alone. I've made sure we have a lovely home, and our daughter has lovey things - bought everything out of my student loan, even though he has much more money than I do. I'm funny, I think. I'm kind. I like to think I'm a good mum - although my only downfall was not leaving this relationship sooner - but I'm doing my best to rectify that now. He's definitely better looking for me, and has more money at present, but I can see now who was really punching above their weight - no matter what him or his friends might think.
I've been waiting to start a new job for 4 months now, I start in a week. So I can't afford the bills for me and DD for another month yet - so he's back. But on the sofa, and we're being civil-ish. Although I'm literally counting down the days and I hate him being here.
But I'm just so happy as there is no part of my brain that wants him back! It's like a mist has cleared. We've been here before, but I've always secretly hoped he'll say and promise the usual shit, which he does, and then I'll stupidly take him back.
But this time, I know I deserve better - and I know my baby DD deserves to see healthy adult relationships; God forbid she follows in my footsteps. I'm so glad I have gotten out before she is aware of it all (though she was out on Saturday night thank god - but he's kicked off at me before while she's been in the house).
I'm so so so excited for the end of August when he goes!! It's going to be so amazing - me and my baby doing exactly what we want, eating what we want, leaving the washing up for a few hours if I like, getting up and out spontaneously without cajoling and moaning at someone with a hangover; and most of all, not living in fear of the key in the door and what mood he'll be in tonight.
I'm so happy about it all, but mostly, I'm so happy that I'm happy if that makes sense? I've told my sister and one friend, and I can tell they both think I'll end up getting back with him. But I won't! Not for all the tea in China or a million pounds
I'm scared of telling my family and friends - they love him. Though I know they love me more. But it still won't be fun. I'm scared of being responsible for paying for all the bills etc - I'm never been good with money, but I'm determined to be better now it's just me & DD, and I need to be the one person in life she knows she can always rely on. I will never let her down again.
I'm 24. I hope I'll find true love one day, love like I read about on this board - normal and dependable love, with mutual respect and a steady and stable relationship for my DD to view. But I'm in no hurry. Even if nobody will ever want me again like he says, I'd rather that than be abused.
Don't know while I'm posting really. But it's been very cathartic writing this