I don't know what to do about my mum

[brucebogtrotter]

I'll begin by saying my mother and I have always had a fractious relationship. She's emotionally immature, passive aggressive and sometimes downright rude and abusive, I think.

She has got herself in a massive tizz because I didn't reply to ONE text last week. Being as PA as she is though, she didn't actually tell me she was cross about this when I went round with the baby last week, instead doing her life long act of not making eye contact, giving one word answers and slamming round. Having seen this for 35 years, I'm used to it. I've decided I'm not panderingto this anymore so ignored her. However, , she refused to engage with the baby at all, as in she wouldn't even look at him, never mind speak to him or hold him. Like I said, I'm used to this crap so me and my Dad just went in another room and chatted and played with baby.

The next day I get a massive text from her, saying she's sick of me and other people not replying to texts. I explained to her that I've got my hands full with a little boy who won't wait while I just text Nanna back, and pointed out that I reply to every other text she's sent, but for some reason she's taken this ONE text I forgot about very, very personally. She just will not accept my explanation at all. I've told her I'm no longer willing to waste time discussing this, and pointed out to her that her treatment of my son was unacceptable. She concedes she shouldn't have treated him like that, but there is no hint of any kind of apology. I've said to let me know when she's in the mood for a visit, but have heard nothing back.

I'm just at a loss for what else to do, really. The ball is in her court now but why the hell does she waste so much time on stupid imagined slights? I just don't understand.

'I just feel sad that she's not like other mums' Oh God how this resonated with me.
Well done that you stood up for your son.

Thank you for that advice, falling. I will have to accept the way she is I think. Absolutely resolved next time I'm there and she starts the PA act to just leave, and tell her why I'm leaving.

Thank you, couldabeen. I've been intimidated by her for so many years, so it's a relief to hear that other people think I did the right thing.

I feel for you it sounds like you're describing my own mum to a tee

It's very difficult as everything is always about her. She's always ill on birthdays and special occasions. She has been 'ill' for single birthday in the past 5 years. She has some kind of drama going on at least twice a week and if she offers to do a favour, and I accept, i never ever hear the end of it and I must be eternally Grateful.

She does however have her very good points (when it suits her) and is a very good mum. She can be so funny, kind and caring. It is sometimes very hard to believe that she has this 'other' side. But it comes out regularly.

I've realised that the less attention you give to her behaviour, the quicker she comes round. If I dare challenge her, she becomes very aggressive, will shout and scream but this is the guilt kicking in. She cannot handle the truth.

She will eventually calm down, But will wail and sob to everyone first in order to make out that she is the victim.

Anything can set these episodes off. Just last week I too forgot to reply to a non-important text. She sulked for the whole week and when she visited, was very PA, no eye contact, the works........ I ended up calling her out. It wasn't pretty.......

It used to really upset me and make me so stressed that my stomach would churn and ache for days but now that I have children, I no longer let it get to me. It's difficult to switch off though.

Been there, done that. A lot. I am lc, moved out as soon as I could, keep a good distance, both physical and mental. My DH finds it very odd that no-one says 'love you' in my family.

I think carry on as you re, OP! Ignore the madness.

Loopius, our mothers sound very similar. Mine too can be very kind, but the problem is I never know which version of her will appear on any one day. How do you switch off and not let it bother you? ? I remember choosing my wedding dress on my own and people looked at me like I had two heads when I explained mum wasn't with me because we don't really get on.

Shizzle, I try and stay low contact too. Which in itself can trigger her because then I'm not being the doting daughter. It just feels like a big tangle of tension, guilt and stress tbh.

bruce are you me?
I did the wedding dress on my own thing too.
Definitely one of those days where you wonder what it's like for people with normal mums.

Go LC . She will treat your son exactly the same way , in fact she's doing so already . Right now he's not old enough to understand but he soon will be .

Then you will be back on here saying " I'd love to go NC but my son loves his nana "

Trust me, I'm so resentful about how she treated me throughout my childhood that there's not a chance in hell I'll allow her to do the same to my son. It's taken me YEARS to understand her behaviour wasn't normal, and her treatment of me has scarred me deeply. I'd have no qualms at all about cutting her off if she's abusive towards my son.

It's nice to hear a similar voice, couldabeen, and know I'm not alone in a world where everyone else seems to have fantastically close, supportive relationships with their mothers. Sorry you've had to go through it too though x

Your mum sounds like mine OP. When my attention isn't on her, she has been known to tell her siblings that I'm a horrid daughter who doesn't care. My remedy for that is to let my actions toward her siblings speak louder than her words.

If your mum explodes in your face when you confront her about something, then it's one of the classic signs that she may be a narc. Another sign of a narc is hijacking events (birthdays/graduations/weddings etc) to make things all about them (think a narc trying to upstage a bride by wearing something nicer/making a speech about themselves, with little or no reference about the B&G).

A narc will also use their own/DC's achievements to make themselves look better than they are. Eg, "Oh my DS/DD is an emergency Dr who saves lives in the local A&E unit. They're where they are today because of me", or something along those lines IYSWIM. The narcissist will have high expectations of people they have disdain for, and when those people make it clear they can achieve those expectations, the narc usually, and regularly moves the goalposts time and again.

Narcs tend to have a 'scapegoat' so that they have someone as their 'whipping boy' (someone to slate and abuse). They also have a 'golden child', which is the person/people they get constant praise from. They need the praise from the golden child(ren) because their sense of self-esteem is very fragile and any confrontation is usually followed by moderate-extreme rages.

I hope this helps you to enquire about how your mum acts toward you, helps you see the bigger picture and be able to handle your mum more carefully and effectively.