Living at home with parents - dating and relationship rules?

[PlumPixie]

First time poster: please feel free to move this thread if in the wrong place!

Summary: What is a sensible stance on relationships when grown up (21+) children still live at home?

I am 25 years old am currently living at my family home with my parents. I moved away for university at 19, returned home permanently at 23. I have since worked and am now back at university doing my masters.

I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend (26) for 6 months. He also lives with his parents nearby.

My parents have always had a rule since I was a teenager that I was not allowed to stay overnight at bf's house (in same room) and vice versa. This was a mainly painless rule as a teenager as spending time in the day/evening was sufficient for my teenage romances. And honestly I was quite shy and did not want to bump into someone else's parents in the kitchen in the morning! And then moving away for uni gave me the independence to make my own judgements etc.

This rule still stands now that I live at home again. So I have never spent the night at my bf's house (in any room) and he has never slept at my house. My mum has always believed that as a daughter I would be open to much more criticism for spending the night (especially from bf's parents) and that I would risk being considered "that type of girl".
Everybody gets on well with each other so this is not just a consequence of someone disliking somebody else.

I don't want to raise the issue of teenage relationships and parents' rules - I would like to know how parenting changes when children are grown up but still live at home? Is this an unreasonable rule while I still live at home?

(N.B. I pay no rent at home and studying is fully funded by parents; boyfriend lives at home to save money)

Additionally, I do not know how to approach the subject with my mum (who is more in charge of the "house rules" than my dad) without the conversation descending into a teenage-style argument?

It does impact negatively on my relationship as it feels like we both cannot be trusted. We are both frustrated with getting out of bed and driving me home after having a very normal couple evening together. I also think he takes it personally that he is somehow not good enough (absolutely not true).

If I could understand the reasoning behind this more, it would help. So any advice and all opinions are appreciated.

Although I am only talking about the actual act of falling asleep/waking up together (not sex - we have sex in bed in the evening like normal people and then I go home. Not very romantic) it does feel like something is missing if you can't do that with somebody you love.

Any ideas?

I have four sons and having girlfriends over has never been an issue they were all just reminded that other people live in this house to just be respectful and not embarrass the rest of the family in any way.
One of my sons girlfriend moved in with us (informally) when she left uni, 3 years later she is still here and part of the family!
Friends with daughters however seem to have a different viewpoint, which to me is totally crazy and I can think of several friends with daughters who would not let boyfriends stay over until they were very much an "item" or engaged.
I really can't see why the Op just doesn't stay at the boyfriends on occasions provided his parents don't mind, what is the worst her DM can do, chuck her out for her licentiousness, chase her down the street with a stick calling her a whore, or disinherit her?
Only the OP can know what her Mothers likely reaction will be. And what about her DF in all this will he be silent or support the Mothers view?

Personally I think your mum's being ridiculous. Fair enough, your BF isn't allowed to stay over, her house her rules. But she cannot tell you, at 25 years old, that you're not allowed to stay at his, that's just silly and controlling.

It's nothing to do with her worrying about you being considered 'that type of girl' and is everything about your mum being overly controlling for reasons you will probably never be able to fathom.

Are you allowed to go away together? What if you said you and your BF were going away for the weekend and will be staying in a hotel together, would she be against that? Where does it stop?

It's great that they are letting you live there rent free and are willing to help you with your education. I'm sure you're massively grateful for that. But that's not an excuse for exerting such unnecessary control over what or where your grown up children are outside of the home. You are your own person after all.

Op i really think you should leave home asap its not working out for you not to go into much detail but my dsis is in her 30s and a permateen because she has lived like you my parents are a bit like yours it imo is not healthy to be treating an adult child like this either start living your life or move out

Staying at your boyfriend's would result in disagreement or at least bring things to a head. But it's your parents' infantilising you that would be doing that and not your behaviour. You would just be behaving like the grown up you are.

Part of being that grown up person though is taking responsibility for your actions. Ultimately you have to decide whether you're willing to continue to accept being treated like a kid. However unreasonable and puritanical their behaviour is, you've been acquiescing to their right to set such rules.

Op I'm ages with you and had this same argument with my parents when I was 18. They wouldn't let me stay at my bf (now dh) and he was not allowed to stay at my parents house.
I...like you... would have sex then go home and I didn't make it a secret what was going on....I would often come home at 3/4am.
I stopped caring what they thought and they eventually had to just get on with it.
We've been married 3 years now lived together for 4 and have a dc. It's your life op don't let your parents dictate to you.

Agree with Pps that you should just stay with your bf when you wish. Your parents sound stifling.

I never wanted my DC's boyfriends/girlfriends staying over until I was sure they were serious.
But you really are an adult and where you spend the night (when not under their roof) is none of their business.

What could she do if you ignored this barmy 'rule'?

^Golden* If you get all that, can you not stand up to them now?

I am aware of this privilege.

That's not the word I would use.

This is crazy, move out and live as an adult.

What would your parents say if you just told them you were staying at your boyfriends? Do they let you go on nights out or stay with friends? What if you went to the pub and then decided you were going to stay elsewhere?

It sounds like you're about 17. I would do what it takes to move out- could you get sine evening/ weekend work? You're 23- life is short and should be enjoyed when you're young.

Yikes! Horrible time-travel moment. Would they feel the same way if you were a son having a girlfriend over? My dd's asked if they could have boyfriends stay over once they were 18, no problem (obvs not ONS). I did worry that I would hear them but never have! I wouldn't have been happy while they were still at school but once they were adults, in my head it was 'ok'. Mid-20s? Seriously, some parents need to unclench

You live rent free and your parents fund your education and lifestyle

They are perfectly entitled to say who can and cannot stay in their house.

They're not entitled to say where you spend the night, if bf's parents are ok with you staying over then do it

But of course it will be a teenage style argument because you live like a teenager! Don't like it, move out and be independent and then you can make your own rules

Independance has its price but the benefits are worth it.