Bloody Facebook!

[Fedupd0tcom]

I'm utterly despairing tonight.

I've had some nasty stuff happen to me on Facebook and I dunno what to do about any of it.

It started with a school reunion group... which I thought would be fun. One girl in the group had been my best mate at high school.... started contacting me on messenger. When I didn't reply straightaway (cos life gets busy when you're a wife with a LO who also has an ill mother to look after...and you can't always respond asap) I got accused of ignoring her within hours. She then apologised.

The plot thickens...

Another acquaintance from this school whose wedding I attended a couple of years ago took offence to me liking what I thought was a jokey comment about none of her hubby's friends knowing if he was happy or not as they'd not heard from him since he'd got married. She was furious I'd clicked like and badmouthed me to the 'friend' above and some another mutual we know. She said stuff so bad they can't even tell me what she said.

Then this friend keeps messaging me about the whole fiasco again and today I got a torrent of abuse because id not checked fb all day...cos hey I was busy looking after my child.

I get told don't come crying to me when you have no real friends cos you take everyone for granted...what a waste of time trying to be friends with you....you've not changed.

I'm shell shocked they all seem to hate me so much. And feel terrified by it to be honest. I don't know what to do. I'm just actually ignoring her now because on top of being a mother who works and has to care for my Mum who is unwell..
I also have a marriage and am still grieving as I've lost my Dad recently. This is breaking me. I rarely get praise from my husband or my in laws. My Mum regularly tells me I'm cruel and angry because I can't speak on the phone whenever she wants...she calls 5 times a day. I rarely hear from friends tbh. I hardly have any close friends at work though it is v cliquey there. I think they're all right with the venom they're spewing? I'm questioning everything now....am I am awful friend? Do I take everyone for granted? When I see friends or talk on that ancient invention the phone I do make the effort. I'm so upset by all this
I just think I'm no good to anyone at all and should run away. Far far away.

My closest friends live far away. This friend in high school...we lost touch for ten years...although she contacted me when my Dad died. But in high school once men came on the scene she ignored our friendship. Then being a geek...i gave up making contact and focussed on studies. I never questioned her. We barely spoke during uni days. I felt sad about it. Then Facebook turned up.

With the mutual friend who's wedding I attended...I went as a friend of the groom as I didn't know the bride that well even though we'd gone school together. I was a bit sad we'd lost touch since he got married... so was my hubby as be was his friend too... but I shouldn't have liked that comment...boy oh boy do I regret it now.

I love FB and spend far too much time on there but can cause huge arguments and misunderstandings.
Without Facebook, friendships run their course and end naturally. Now that's not always possible with the invention of social media!
Sounds like you should rise above and just not put up with that kind of crap.
Block the whole lot of them if you don't usually see them anyway, and start afresh.
Life's too short.
Doesn't mean you're an awful friend just because of some silly so called adult's behaviour on FB.
If any thing, you're the sensible and sane one for seeing the online behaviour as what it is - ridiculous!
Mums who ring 5 times a day can get to you too we have that problem here too you're not cruel for not wanting to talk that often, what on earth is there to say that often?! "Hey, not much to report since we last spoke ten minutes ago?!" for you. It's wearing.
Don't let them grind you down, you sound lovely and normal to me.

Just deactivated my account....I can't bear it

I think you're lonely and in need of a bit of support. Unfortunately, and typically for a mother of a young child (who is working and has caring responsibilities) you're also quite time-poor.
In an ideal world, you'd build on relationships you have and extend that circle. Sadly, thst takes time: going for drinks after work; taking on a social activity where you meet people; inviting g people for lunch and dinner.
Hence your using Facebook to try and find the friends, support and intimacy you need. Unfortunately, that hasn't gone well.
Rather than just de-activating your account, it might be an idea to practice boundaries with the Facebook people. You have given up on them anyway, so you can use them to practice boundaries and being firm. Can you re activate your account and do that? Instead of your 'putting up with it all until you can bear no more' approach, you try telling people how you want them to behave (before dropping them if they don't come up with the goods).
So: 'i feel your behaviour is quite hostile and unfriendly. I am interested in what you do and want to be a friend. I don't have very much time at the moment. I would like ... [whatever]. I don't like [this hassling and negativity]. It makes me feel quite unwelcome. What would you like to do?'
With your mum and dh, try telling them what you need and give them an opportunity to provide it. I guess you can think of it as training them for the long -term. It may not work but at least you'll have tried. And it will be good for you to learn to do this.

Friends: you need them. I know how busy you are but you NEED this. You have to be a bit more selfish. I think you need to actually, deliberately, set aside time in your week to make some friends.
PTA? Hobby? Inviting people for lunch at weekends?
It's tough - but I think you need to do it.
And sympathy- I think it's too easy for non-selfish people to get their needs unmet by those around them. It's not fair BUT ultimately you need to start recognising your needs and trying to look after yourself a bit because it doesn't sound as though anyone else is going to at the moment.

Get off FB, OP.

It can be very cruel and seems to cause no end of trouble for people. I've never had a FB account so I probably know know about the good stuff.

Sounds like you are very sensitive right now. I'm not surprised with all you've got going on.

Can you get counselling to help build up your self-esteem? Find ways of making friends where you don't communicate through FB.

I do have friends outside of Facebook. Generally we get on v well. Occasionally they get grumpy cos I've got so much on and can't always meet but they tend to understand and we have fab fun when we do meet up. The ppl who've been mean are from school days...who I now don't know well who don't have children themselves. I think I'm still shocked by the school mates behaviour and do need counselling to rebuild self esteem. I'm so very tired but glad I'm.not on Facebook.

Will join a choir I think or similar to make new friends :)

Thanks for all your messages everyone

I do have friends outside of Facebook. Generally we get on v well

That's good - concentrate on them.

Occasionally they get grumpy cos I've got so much on and can't always meet but they tend to understand and we have fab fun when we do meet up

That's great. They may understand more one day when they are in similar circumstances but it's great that they at least try to understand and you have fun when you're together. You sound popular with them.

The ppl who've been mean are from school days...who I now don't know well who don't have children themselves

Sod them then. Who knows what their problem is, but it doesn't have to become yours. Sounds like they're not worth the trouble they are causing you.

I think I'm still shocked by the school mates behaviour and do need counselling to rebuild self esteem

Try and get that counselling, if you can, as it sounds as if you've had this kind of treatment from your own family at times.

Your old school mates sound incredibly bitchy and immature. Definitely go NC with them, but at the same time remember that these types will find someone else to bully. It's not really personal - they just have to be beating someone down. Now that you've taken yourself out of the picture, they'll have to move on to their next victim.

I think that it's better to live in the real world. I agree with pp that fb seems ideal when you're at home with the kids and can't get out much, but it's not real and can leave you feeling worse. Fb artificially keeps friendships going. People are still friends with their exs and know every detail of their lives; this isn't normal.

I think those friends sound awful tbh, they deserve no place in your life. I need some friends but can't invest in a friendship at the moment, but would rather be a bit lonely than put up with abuse.

I'm not excusing your mum either but that is something you should tackle imo as suggested by pp.

You have done the right thing by deactivating your account. Facebook can be very dangerous and comments can be taken the wrong way, same as texting. It's a shame that friends don't use the old-fashioned phone anymore! I only have one friend now that actually picks up the phone to make plans to meet up! Stick with the friends who treat you as you treat them, people move on & personalities change and you don't deserve to be treated badly by people who don't know you anymore! I know what you mean about the calls from your Mum! My MIL was the same until they moved to spain recently. Do you need to answer each time she calls? Does her number show on the phone? Or maybe you could suggest a set time each day that's convenient to chat.

Thanks everyone x. Yes I'm trying to set boundaries with Mum around calling....we're at 2 calls a day and I'm gonna try spend more quality time with her when I can instead of phone. I agree though....what happened to calling friends?I've found as well they dont answer when you do call.

People on FB are like ghosts if the relationship is not sustainable in real life. I was on FB for a while but then I deleted my account because I found a lot of these ghosts terribly upsetting for a variety of reasons. They didn't bring anything of value into my life apart from upset.

There is a reason why some people stay in the past and that's where they should stay. FB awakens the illusion that we are all connected in our past, present and future with everybody in our lives, and that's just not true. Everybody knows it, but they keep playing the silly game.

I keep my friendships in real life only now, by email, phone and text. If they cannot be bothered because they're busy on FB, sorry, they're not true friends, and there is no value in having people like that hovering around my life like ghosts.

OP, delete your FB account and keep it real. If you have to start designing a complex, managing plan for friends to treat you nicely, think about it, they're not real friends. Friends respect boundaries, treat you nicely and you don't need to ask for it.

How assertive are you normally? It's your phone, you answer it if and when you want and make that clear

I really feel for you OP. You sound so lovely. Some adults really do exhibit the most bizarre behaviour.

I definitely agree with the previous advice about being more assertive, especially with your family. As for the 'friends', I would be inclined to delete and block them.

I think social media has a lot to answer for. I often get upset when I see my so called friends going out and tagging each other, having not been invited. I guess in the past, I would have been blissfully unaware.

Keep concentrating on those that matter. Virtual hugs!

I rarely get praise from my husband
This saddens me.
Is there a reason for this?
Is he supportive in other ways?

He is supportive with looking after our little one and works hard. Maybe he is just tired. Also I'm down a lot so it must be difficult for him.

People from school, tsk, no loss really. Apart from if they were close friends.

The people I went to school with don't know me and they never tried to get to know me and yet they'd have a perception of me that merely reality couldn't ever amend ... the reunion showed me that.

OP, I have had my own share of trouble on FB with old school friends. An ex boyfriend (from when I was 14 for gods sake!) couldn't understand why I didn't want to add him. It actually got very abusive and stalkerish very quickly. He got sent on his merry way and consequently I am now blacklisted from school reunions . Another close friend (well, they were at school) turned out to be a sexist, racist bigot! Thank the good god for the block button!

I think thecatfromjapan has hit the nail on the head. Concentrate on those friends you have in RL rather than those who turn into cyber warriors on FB.

You're all absolutely spot on. FB detracts from real life friends.

I have left and will focus on my real friends now. Thanks everyone for your advice. X

You've just deactivated your account. That's great news. Damned fucking Facebook. More hassle than it's worth. I refuse to have anything to do with it.
I lost contact with old friends for a reason. Because they were clique arse holes.
You've got enough on your plate with out having to contend with "friends" acting like 5 year olds. Well no infact 5 year olds Dont behave like that.
((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))). .

FB is like a virtal school yard and adults - if you can call them that - are more childish than kids and more cruel. This whole 'friending' business can make the most rational person paranoid! It's far to easy to type a nasty comment and far too many people have nothing better to do (and that's why they're on fb posting nastiness). Really they're not the type of freinds any person wants or needs. Laugh at them for showing themselves up and acting like the guests on the Jeremy Kyle show! Then get on with your real life in the real world and enjoy it :)

I've just deactivated FB, it's the work of the devil

The way I see it is, if I am 'friends' with you, I will know about your new car/dog/boyfriend//house/medal/degree/wedding etc, you catch my drift. Why would you share all of this with ppl you don't actually know? I don't get that ppl want the world to know where they are, who they're with etc, I think it's attention seeking behaviour.

FB can be great, but it doesn't replace old fashioned communication.

It's not for the faint hearted, low self esteem folk (I'm one) made me feel like crap.