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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

shitty shit head boyfriend

47 replies

anyname123 · 21/07/2016 22:01

Has just come home drunk and purposely taken my vase of flowers into garden and smashed it (no idea why), has now passed out on sofa, will hopefully choke in his sleep. I'm 7 months pregnant, this relationship is not going the way I wanted / hoped it would, feel really stuck and have a sinking feeling it's just going to get worse. He is fucking useless around the house, with DIY, with money etc. Wondering what the actual fuck I saw in him, apart from making me laugh and being alright in bed, and how my life has come to this. What a cock womble he is. Has anyone else's chap actually manned the fuck up when first baby arrived, or just continued in same shitty routine?

OP posts:

Hillfarmer · 23/07/2016 00:01

condaleeza is like Moses coming down off the hill holding the Ten Commandments. 'Let this be a lesson to ye! All feckless women deliberately picking out no-good fathers for thy babies. Look and be afraid of anyname's tale of woe!' Thus spaketh the prophet, just in case there is anyone out there stupid enough wantonly to get pregnant by an arsehole.

All I can say is - just be lucky that it's not you. Like whatyousee I was married to my lovely husband for 8 years before we had dc. Then he turned into a controlling arsehole tyrant. So I divorced him. If you look down the wrong end of the telescope, as you are determined to do, then you will conclude I deliberately chose to marry and have children with an arsehole.

What does this prove regarding your theory about anyname's story providing valuable lessons to others? Fuck All.

Original poster

anyname123 · 23/07/2016 02:42

Hillfarmer, I like you
I'm just trying to work out the finances etc of LTB. Living with family not an option for various and valid reasons, but moving back closer to them and getting practical support is. Until I return to work anyway, which is based in the cock wombles town, but that's a year away and a lot can change I guess (new job etc).
I'll try to get some solid advice around finances etc (never made a claim in my life so horribly clueless atm).
The thought of his smug little face is making me furiously angry, so a good time to strike whilst the iron is hot and I'm motivated by intense dislike for him I think

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 23/07/2016 07:04

Of course people change but she has a point. I was with someone for a few years in my twenties but knew due to red flags (temper tantrums, awful father of his own) that I couldn't have kids with him. I adored him and was sad to split up but he wouldn't have been a good father. You do need to be hard headed about this sorry but you do.

Fishface77 · 23/07/2016 08:50

Go home before the babies here

AyeAmarok · 23/07/2016 09:01

Is employed full time or self-employed?

If he's employed full time then you can rely on him paying child maintenance too.

2nds · 23/07/2016 09:20

I fell in love with my OH and got pregnant and looking back he was your typical MN cockwomble and what the hell was I thinking he was one moody fucker because of the weed, he played violent video games really loudly and got very annoyed when he was disturbed, he had no money, couldn't even afford his own rent due to weed and I lost count of how many times I threatened to LTB

Our eldest child is now 3.5 and we have another little one and it's like living with a different bloke since he stopped smoking weed shortly after DD1 was born. He's a great dad, he got a new job and got promoted, and I can't remember the last time he played a violent videogame.

I'm not saying stay with your fella, no one can know for sure whether someone will change or not. You clearly feel unhappy and my heart sank when I read your post. Take care OP, but in answer to your question yes some men do change, but not all do.

Lelloteddy · 23/07/2016 09:26

How long have you been together?

RiceCrispieTreats · 23/07/2016 10:13

I'm just trying to work out the finances etc of LTB.

Good plan. Glad to hear you are able to deal with sensible practicalities.

Try entitledto.co.uk as on online benefits calculator for an idea of where you'd stand.

TheSilveryPussycat · 23/07/2016 14:34

My Ex seemed like a good enough bloke when I married him. Both of us displayed behaviours which were red flags, but we were naive and had low self-esteem and thought love conquered all (at least I did).

Looking back, all the signs were there that he was a flakey miserly cocklodger in the making. And so it proved.

Buggers · 23/07/2016 14:40

Well done for getting shot of him before baby comes!! Shame more people don't do the same. I agree try to move back near family. What has he said since you kicked him out?

condaleeza · 23/07/2016 17:55

The child won't be rid of him since he's its father. OP has at least 18 years of dealing with contact, financial support etc. Too many LTB MNers seem to think ending the relationship is the end of dealing with the man, and it isn't.

princessmi12 · 23/07/2016 18:21

Yeah
And the older child gets the greater problems you deal with because the father is not on the scene

Original poster

anyname123 · 23/07/2016 19:47

Thanks for all the advice and support. Update is he says I should stay in the house as I'll be main carer for the baby and I've been through enough upset. Which I'm glad of as moving / furnishing a new place etc would seriously eat into my savings. I'm just going to have to remember to take the bins out once a fortnight as that was really his only contribution it's actually heartbreaking to write that down and realise what an idiot I've been! Staying here won't be so bad as his family are probably more supportive than mine, and he can never cause me of taking his child away. I guess we'll have to work out whether he's at the birth, and other practicalities, but my main priority is being stress free for the bump, poor little bugger must think it's big born into chaos at the moment!

OP posts:

tribpot · 23/07/2016 22:03

You described it as 'his place' earlier in the thread, does he own it or was he renting? Either way you need to make sure you've secured the property for your sole use, otherwise you staying in the house can turn into him demanding to return to the house.

Hillfarmer · 23/07/2016 22:09

Thank Christ condaleeza is here to state the bleedin' obvious. Do you think all these rabid LTB MNers haven't thought this before?

You want to have it both ways don't yoy]u? I.e. Don't breed with these obvious twats you silly girl because children need 2 decent parents. But if he IS an obvious twat or worse, for god's sake don't leave him!

Er.... what's it to be Condi?

Original poster

anyname123 · 23/07/2016 22:42

Tribpot, it's his place (mortgaged), but what we've agreed is that we'll pay half each of the bills, I'll love here with baby, and we'll reevaluate in 6 months or so. He'll probably shack up with a mate and drink cans and behave like a slob, so we all win. I don't want to screw him out of anything he's worked for, but this seems like a fair short term solution

OP posts:

tribpot · 24/07/2016 11:25

So an utterly precarious living arrangement where he can move back in any time he wants. He can claim (with some justification) that he can't get somewhere else to live whilst he's paying half the bills on your house, so once he's exhausted the goodwill of his mates and can no longer sofa surf he'll 'have' to move back in.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/07/2016 13:40

Adding on to tribpot (sorry to presume)...as he is your boyfriend and not husband, you are also investing in his property with no avenue to enjoy the equity . This can be subtle as 50/50 seems "fair" but it is not at all fair to you. In the long term, you'd be much better off investing your savings in a place of your own for housing security as well as financial security.

Original poster

anyname123 · 24/07/2016 17:03

I'd have to rent somewhere short term (plus furnish it, pay agents fees etc etc), and have the upheaval of moving. Alternatively I can secure a mortgage as soon as mat leave ends (I've been advised that mortgage companies are extremely reluctant to offer based on Mat leave pay incase women don't then return to work). I'd prefer to take my chances here than spend 6k + in rent and fees to a random landlord. What would you recommend tribpot, can you see a more viable alternative?

OP posts:

tribpot · 24/07/2016 19:29

I get that it's a huge hassle and expense to upheave and move at this stage, but what about when you're managing a newborn, he decides to move back in and carry on breaking your stuff, doing bugger all and pissing away money you don't have? It won't be easier to have to move then. That 6K is buying you peace of mind. I wouldn't be in a rush to buy in your current area, as you may find if he is utterly useless as a dad you want to move back to be nearer your family.

JudasInTheTescoVan · 24/07/2016 19:55

Mine got worse and worse once DC arrived until I called the police and left him. Sorry.

Peonylass · 31/07/2016 16:16

I was never going to have kids, which was the cause of my first divorce.

Just after I married my 2nd husband, my sister died. We took her 2 youngest (her eldest lived withh er dad and step mum). In those circumstances I felt it was best to crack on and try my best to keep things together.

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