I'm 35. I've never had a proper relationship, boyfriend or partner. I've lived alone since leaving university.
That all probably makes me sound a bit pathetic. In reality, it's just very much the norm for me so I suppose I never really analysed it or saw it as such. I worked and was fairly successful in my career, had friends, had hobbies.
It's hard to say why I didn't end up with anybody. I lacked confidence at school and found I was a target for the boys. It tended to be teasing, but teasing that shifted into actual bullying. However, 'home time' was really what did it. I can't remember a time my family weren't telling me something negative about myself, mostly related to my physical appearance (my weight was a particular subject.)
It's fair to say I was generally a heavier build than my mum - she was tiny and very proud of the fact she was bird-like. I was always sturdier and more tree like :) She went on and on about it and encouraged my brother and his friends to give me a hard time too. She wasn't always awful - sometimes she was lovely and supportive - but that was definitely an argument we kept returning to. She also controlled my clothes and hair beyond a point where she should have, if you see what I mean, which meant I was crucified at school as her taste was not that of 90s fashion.
Still, I always had friends. As we all grew up at school I found the teasing came to a natural end and in my final two years I had relationships with the boys who had formerly teased me. Meanwhile Mum was drinking very heavily and I was going out in the evenings and I'd come back to her plastered and she'd start laying into me, calling me fat, saying I had no friends, saying I was a huge disappointment and she couldn't believe I was her daughter. On and on and on.
She died when I was sixteen. I know it sounds harsh but I was sad and sorry for HER but not for me, I didn't really miss her.
My dad had a bit of a nervous breakdown and I think that really affected me as his behaviour was very strange. He sold our family home and made it clear if I ever came back to visit him that I wasn't welcome.
I put on weight, until I weighed 14 stone, which at my height isn't a pretty sight! As all my friends were going out in pretty dresses and flirting, I was wearing baggy jeans and men's T shirts. It probably wasn't your average experience of university! Still, I always had friends: that's something that's been fairly consistent with me, that I make friends wherever I go. But no boyfriends.
Then I left university and lost the weight and discovered highlights and yet I still didn't have any boyfriends. I think I just became accustomed to a sexless life. You know how people say if you don't have sex you don't miss it? I was like that, only substitute 'sex' for 'relationships.'
I was so convinced I'd never meet anyone that I even made plans to have a baby solo as I KNOW I want to be a mum hopefully do a better job than mine did! - I really thought there was just something about me people weren't attracted to.
But now I've met someone, or re-met someone.
My friends are delighted and I have been forced (joking, but I was kind of forced!) to message him. and he said he'd love to meet up.
But - how do I know if he just wants to meet up in a friendly sense or in a relationship sense? And I've gained weight again: suppose he thinks I am just too big? And how on earth am I going to approach things like kissing, sex, when I just don't know what I am doing, and neither does he?
I am aware I sound about 14, and honestly I am not! But I am out of my depth ...