Long time lurker - first post. I'm sorry that it will be long!
I've been with my husband for almost 9 years, and we've been married for 5 years. We have a 3 year old and 6 month old. Some of the details will be a bit outing so I've tried to include some important bits (well, that feel important) but I've had to leave some details out.
Having had some bad experiences in relationships before we got together, I took the lack of drama etc to be a good thing. He was funny and made me laugh - different and a relief from past relationships. I was always the more sensible one and organised everything. I see in hindsight that I always set the goalpost for the next thing to happen in our relationship - getting engaged/married/having kids etc - and organised things alone. I'd like to clarify that this was not in a bullish type way, but he lacked any drive in organising stuff so I just ended up taking on that role myself, and he would be free to engage or not.
He really wanted kids, as it I - part of my attraction to a partnership with him as I saw how good he was with kids. Unfortunately I didn't realise the difference at the time between this and making a good husband/father. It took a while to get pregnant with our three year old and we had fertility investigations as part of it, which revealed PCOS but no issues with his fertility. This was crowed about by him and his side of the family and was really hurtful. I went on Metformin, got pregnant and his first exclamation was 'is it mine?' - having never given him any reason to think such a thing this has stuck with me as a really hurtful comment. I used to bend over backwards for him prior to that pregnancy. I had a FT job with long hours and then a difficult pregnancy physically, with bleeds etc - he made me go alone to the hospital after a big bleed at 11 weeks, would make me walk around NT places when my pelvis was hideously painful, and also would moan and groan if I had to go for any check ups (bleeds or limited movement) and asked for him to come too.
When our oldest was born she went to NNU for a couple of days. I had just got her back when he invited his entire family up, I asked him to give me some time with her but he ignored this and they took her off me and passed her around like a doll for an hour, taking photos. I felt unwell at the time and was having an iron infusion whilst they did this, and started crying as I was so exhausted. They ignored me and he did not protect me. He would send me off to BF in a corner (though was supportive of my BF as it saved money!!). His family unjustly blamed me for some birth anomalies that she was born with and he did not defend me.
He would also disappear for hours at a time after work, so I was stuck with a permanently breastfeeding baby (literally permanent, it's been a very different experience this time around!) - I felt unable to put the baby down whilst I made food etc. I was awake every hour feeding, up early and she cst napped in the day. I wish that I was exaggerating. When I reached critical point at about five months I told him that unless he pulled it together we would leave. He did for a while and then it slid back. I started to get myself ready to leave and then I decided to have a really big reality check with him and give him one last chance when she was 14m. I said that we would give it 6m. In my head I was already gone I think.
Our sex life was none existent at that point - it had never been very exciting or plentiful but probably three times since she was born. We had sex once (!), got pregnant, had a MC at 10 weeks. He was uncharacteristically supportive and I really felt like things had changed. We then bought a house and got pregnant 6m later. I had an even more difficult pregnancy this time and he was honestly no help whatsoever! Plus my second and I were then extremely ill postnatally with meningitis. Argh, too long a story.
He has a very old car that he considers a classic as it's from the 1980s - it's not, just pants! - that I cannot drive as I am too short (!) - I have a car but prior to this reliable one I had a couple of near bangers, and I have been left with no transport on several occasions and needed to borrow a car from my parents. He has said for several years that he will sell it and get a second car that I can drive so that this doesn't happen - I am now just doubtful that it will happen at all. Already this year the date has been moved from April to September, month by month, and it'll only carry on I think! He chucks money at it and I think that he is hoping that I will just say to keep it. If he actually drove it I would be more sympathetic, but he usually takes mine anywhere if I am bed with the kids or at home when he needs to go out - it's very annoying! Also we can't fit both car seats in it so it needs to go by the time that I go back to work in a couple of months.
Talking of going back to work - I now work two long shifts a week, rather than three, so that I can be around childcare wise. I don't mind organising child care, but he does the occasional week on call as part of his job and it's a nightmare as he has to be nagged and nagged for his on call rota so that I can make sure that there is cover for when I am at work. He was controlling over my time out of the house when not at work - once our first was a year old I started going out for dinner once a month, but he would set a deadline for me to be home (say 9:30pm, but I'd leave at 6pm, travel for an hour to meet said friend, travel back left me with very little time).
These issues are not all of it, but I'd be here a long time!
I think the crux of this is that I have got stronger and even though he's improved and made changes, some things have stayed the same and he continues to keep himself as the main priority. I look back on this and I understand how we got to this point - but I just can't do it any more. He is a lot better than he was and he is a good and attentive faith to our oldest now, and I suspect with time that he will be the same with our youngest. I feel cross with myself that I put up with his immature and selfish behaviour before, but once I had a child/children to consider I realised that they deserved more.
He talks to me curtly at times, i explain that this is rude but he doesn't get it and continues to do so.
I have been feeling unhappy again for a few months but a conversation about two weeks ago made me see that this situation hasnt really changed fundamentally. I have been building a role for myself within a team at work and there is a two day course in London after I go back to work. It will be my only chance to do this course as it is part of a sort of project (can't be too specific, sorry). I don't want to leave the kids for that time (it is very far from where we live) and we were planning to go to London anyway (apparently - I'd asked him if we could do some fun things in my mat leave to help deal with the issues from the postnatal period) so I suggested that he take some holiday (of which he has plenty left) and come along to have the kids whilst I am at the course (normal working day period) and we could do some sightseeing either side of it. He said that he didn't want to and that was the end of it, even though I explained that it would be my only chance to do the course. It made me realise that I will never be a real priority for him and I just feel really sad about that as I could have just gone and never given it a chance. I don't want to sacrifice my life, and I want my kids to know that relationships should be more than this!
I can't see this lasting. I have tried so hard and I don't want to have this out yet again, pour all of that emotional energy into changing things and have it slide even further back. If it wasn't for the kids I would have walked a long time ago I think. Made more complicated by the great relationship he and my oldest have, although realistically it's 'Disney dad' stuff and I have to organise the minute elements of everyday life - I have tried to help him to empower himself with this but he can't be bothered.
Thanks for letting me rant, and I apologise for the ramble! It's not all of it by far. I suppose I know that I'll leave, I need to get my ducks in a row first. The house deposit was from a small inheritance of mine and that makes feel cross too, as I know that he will want half of it even though I will definitely have sole custody.