W W Y D? No communication, children caught in the middle?

[starsandstripes2016]

In the process of separating. Had a heart to heart with DD17 who in turn, understandably, relays conversation to STBXH. STBXH responds that I am lying. DD17 understandably upset. I respond that people have can have different views and this is why discussion is important. Would really like to clarify/resolve our different view points, and grow-up, but there lies the rub, feel so inhibited with STBXH that it feels pointless, naive to even try and inevitably frustrating. If I try, how would it be best to get something positive out of the situation?

If your daughter relays your heart to heart conversations to her father than she isn't the best person to have hearts to hearts with, be as neutral as possible with her so she doesn't feel conflicted about loyalties.

Secondly, start disengaging from you STBEXH, you can not have a discussion with someone who isn't listening, you can not change him.

I agree with the above poster. You can't really have heart to hearts with your children about your ex regardless of how old they are. It's too close for them, they love both of you and will feel torn and it isn't fair to them.

How old are your children? If you only have the 17 year old or the others are a similar age it is easier to disengage than when they are younger. You actually don't have to have any contact with your ex at all except through solicitors; he can contact the dc directly and arrange contact with them. The more distance you create between you both the better and less raw things will seem.

Thanks for your responses. there is a cold war in our home and I have spoken about how we could make a positive difference over the remaining few weeks. Whatever I've been doing to have brought us to this place, instead I can doing something different, and one of those things is to not have the heart to hearts. The only alternative I can see is that doing the domestic stuff is all that is needed at the moment. For me, in the past, keeping a journal has been a very important way of having that emotional outlet. Again this is probably the best way of dealing with the current circumstances. W W Y D?

Please do not talk to your daughter about her father in anything but a positive way or try to discuss the details of what went wrong.

My mum left when I was 18 but both of them confided in me at points before, during and after the split and it fucked me up as I felt horribly conflicted.

completely neutral from now on. talk only about what we're doing, ie, DDs and me. Know it in theory, have to be reminded in RL