How do you get over the love of your life leaving you?

[PolishedTurd]

Back story is as follows:

I'm a man. Been with my girlfriend for about 3 years. A bit of a rocky relationship due to distance, external factors etc but ultimately we were a very good, happy, solid couple who were quite clearly perfectly suited to each other.

Anyway, about 5 weeks ago she ended things. It was because I changed a weekend plan (not for the first time) at the last minute. I fully accept responsibility for it - I was wrong. I'd done it before, and clearly hadn't learned my lesson. I have no argument against it.

She ended things because she felt like I excluded her from my life. Time with my daughter. Time with my friends. She was always happy to include me in hers, but I found it difficult to include her in mine. For many reasons, but mainly because of the way I split with my ex I was hoping for a totally fresh start and wanted to leave my old life behind (aside from my daughter of course). I've tried everything to convince her that I really want to settle down with her. Have invited her to move in with me. Promised to make a concerted effort to show her that she is inclusive in all aspects of my life. But to no avail.

As well as being partners, we were the very best of friends. In both of our minds, at the very least we want to retain the special friendship we always had - we share so many interests and hobbies and that's part of what brought us so close to each other. I'd do anything I could to stay a part of her life, and she would do the same.

The problem is, I'm so in love with her and so heartbroken that we are no longer together, I'm finding it next to impossible to move on. I of course want her to be happy, but selfishly I want her to be happy with me and I can't help feeling that way. I'm so desperate to move on and yet stay friends with her, but it breaks my heart every day not to be able to message her or call her in the same way that we used to.

I'm just looking for some general advice as to how I can make it less painful to move on. For both of us. Is it even possible to salvage a friendship when you are so in love with somebody? I dread to think how it will be when she meets somebody else, but for the time being we still have a few pre-arranged plans for things to do together over the coming months and in order to ensure we don't hurt each other, we have agreed not to date anyone else until at least we've been away in September.

General advice really needed on how to "man up". Or really, how to just feel ok about everything. Thank you!

Well, you probably already know that it takes time and there's really no getting past that but I would say firstly, stop blaming yourself and ruminating over it. That will not help at all. Secondly, I'm afraid you need to go NC to give you both space to start getting over it. You will be opening up the wound every time you meet otherwise.

Thank you for responding. I know that NC is almost certainly the only way...the thought of it makes me so sad though. She's become everything, and she still is everything. But I know you're right.

If the relationship has ended after 3 years then she's not the love of your life.

Even if she were (she's not), then you don't actually get just one shot at love.

Cancel all the events you were going to see her at. It will just make things worse. Be honest about why: that you're devastated and can't just be friends.

Theres a clear disconnect between what you said and how you acted, you talk a good talk but don't seem able to do the walk. Three years is a long time for your gf to wait for your words and actions to correlate and understandably, she made the decision not to wait any longer.

Accept her decision and do the work necessary (NC, keep busy etc) to get over a break up. In the future, you need to understand that actions speak louder than words.

You kept ditching her at the last minute for something else you'd rather spend your time on. She was not the love of your life. If she was, you simply would not have done this, because you wouldn't have wanted to - you wouldn't have preferred to do the other thing and you would have considered her feelings at being ditched at the last minute (again). Stop moping about feeling sorry for yourself and re-wrting your relationship as if it was really great. It wasn't. 3 years, rocky, you weren't bothered about seeing her every chance you got - even when you had plans, it was crap. Go no contact and move on.

Yes actions do speak louder than words. I wish some men could understand that it doesn't matter what you say (I love u and all that).

It's what you have been up to or not doing that counts.

NC is the only way. You know what you have to do.

I appreciate all of the honest and frank replies. I know full well that I'm to blame, and sent out the wrong signals. There's a lot more complications than how it seems, but ultimately you are all correct. And if I was her, I'd have done the same thing.

So you couldn't behave well for the love of your life, that's seriously odd.

Are you sure she didn't become the "love of your life" after she dumped you?

You didn't treat her like the love of your life. Sorry but you need to make some changes in how you treat someone you supposedly love before you start a new relationship. NC, reflect, move on.

Mattscap - yes I'm sure. I can understand the harsh words, and as mentioned above I am making no excuses for my behaviour. By and large, I tried my best o demonstrate my commitment to our relationship, though it seems that it wasn't enough.

This thread was not a plea to try and justify myself and figure out how I can win her back. I know that's not going to happen. It was merely asking for opinions on how to cope with the loss. Because, whether you believe me or not, I truly feel like I am grieving. We had a plan for our lives going forwards, and now that plan is never going to happen. I know that she was a one of a kind (for me), and I don't throw that phrase about lightly. I'm simply struggling with how to adjust, and was just reaching out for others with experience, and to ask advice as to whether indeed a friendship is possible after you feel so much for someone.

You need to stop all contact with her. That's the only way you'll stop hurting yourself.

Let this be a lesson learned for the next.

polished - I lost the love of my life five years ago, after eight years together, during which I was blissfully happy. He was the love of my life, but apparently I wasn't the love of his. He just stopped loving me.

It hurts, but you just have to go NC and move on. Any mention of him hurts, so I make sure I don't hear him mentioned, and you must do the same. Whether or not she was the love of you life, you weren't hers, so you've got to forget her.

zaphod you're projecting. The Op by his own admission had acted poorly towards the love of his life. This thread is not about unrequited love.

I agree with all the pp who advise you to go nc. I also would cancel the joint activity if you could. It may open a raw wound if you see each other.
Not dating anyone else? Well that's something for you to decide for yourself, and your ex for herself. I don't think throwing yourself into a new relationship is the answer but meeting new people could help you getting over your ex.
Good luck !

I know the type of man you are.
Taking for granted what you have until you loose it.Then idealisation and suffering starts.
Seems you only offered for her to move in with you after she broke things off.A bargaining chip..
You fucked up and just by being remorseful and admitting you fucked up is not going to make things better. Some people do get back together,some people make decision and stick to it. You lost all the power, you are at her mercy and it hurts.
Moral of the story: treat your partner well and try to make her happy for a better chance of longlasting happy relationship when you meet someone new.

princessmi12 - no that's not correct. We had signed up to move into a flat in a town where she lives now. This would have presented some short term difficulties because of where I work, but we had signed, paid deposit, and had a moving in date. This all obviously changed when she ended it. I had previously suggested moving closer to where I am based. My offer for her to move in with me was an ongoing offer. Just to clarify.

Well to be honest ,if you were in the middle of moving in together and she broke it off,then the issues you describe either somehow minimised by you here or even different altogether

Are you going away together in September? That's hardly making a clean break.
I'm sure there's been more leading up to this somehow.

I don't get it, she's finished it but you have pre arranged plans to meet up in the coming months and going away in Sept, that right?

If so, you are hardly separated.

Plus, love of your life, in 3 years it doesn't sound that great, you cancelled on her regularly and excluded her, that is not a real true love story.