ExH won't behave with decency towards me

[CantGetYouOutOfMyHead]

I 'threw him out' when I uncovered his affair (2013). We had attended counselling when I found out a year earlier about his secret friendship, with someone that he would meet up with after work or on the premise of working late. But when it was clear it was a serious affair, that was it for me - gone.

Soldiering on with four kids under 9, I've got a job, held my head high, and done my best.

He has an abject refusal to be honest with me. He has demonstrated time and again that he makes asshole decisions about important things. He pretends to be decent and honourable to me (big earner, allowing me to stay in the family home) but is extremely provocative (imho) in informing the world on social media about his amazing new life with his girlfriend.

What galls me is that he won't acknowledge that in order to successfully coparent with me, there needs to be some mutual respect. He doesn't afford that to me by being publicly disrespectful of me and ignoring my requests that he at least be discreet; I can't respect him when he feigns 'immense sadness' that I ended the relationship. The breakup doesn't 'fit' with his profession, his persona and his Catholic character; his approach is to play sackcloth and ashes with me, then to post on Facebook from Milan/Barcelona/Athens his lovely city-break snaps (six so far this year).

With the greatest of intentions, I try my damnedest to ignore, but close and well-meaning friends are horrified at this provocation. He friended all my Facebook friends, and dances out this bizarre public life which embarrasses and humiliates me.

Many months ago, I stopped asking him to respect my integrity and privacy (in that, publicising his life, he was drawing attention to my noted absence). Is there any way that I can address this, in an attempt to retrieve some sort of respect and privacy, or do I just need to continue ignoring, despite my worries that his injudicious self-publicity will disaffect me to such a degree that the children will experience the fallout of mutual parental detestation?

Just to add, I don't live in the UK and the wheels of separation crank very slowly on this country.

I agree with the others. You are both now seperate X and not getting back together.

He is free to leave the single life now. You are hurt, but you have no rights over him and co-parenting shouldn't be reliant on doing things together or your unrealistic expectations of how he should behave as a seperate man.

stop looking - and stop caring. That's what's at the heart of this. You care about what he's doing, whether that's because you still care about him, or because you car about your public standing.

Neither of these things will do you any good.

And you don't need to see someone's Facebook posts to co-parent with them.

While it's hurtful to know your exh is living a full life with his new partner, it's up to him. You are not together any more.

I honestly do not have a clue what my exh posts on Facebook as I have never looked although some people did tell me that he went on a round the world trip while unemployed and not financially supporting his children. They told me with a sense of outrage and support for me.

Would you think he was behaving 'with decency' if he was not on Facebook? Or if he wasn't going away? Or if he didn't have a new partner? Tbh I understand your disapproval and hurt but everyone who separates has to endure this horrible part ie their ex moving on.

Friends who report of his antics are not well meaning, they're feeding your obvious refusal to disengage. I get that your hurt and that he's a dick but if you do not disengage from this man then you, will be making the co parenting relationship difficult.

For the sake of your mental health you need to start engaging with the realities of separation, which is, what he does is none of your business.

His new life is no reflection on his DC unless he's neglecting them in favour of it. We are in a time where social media is in a whole new level. Everyone send to be documenting certain elements of their lives, often it may not be a full reflection but a snippet of it. You don't get a say in how your ex spends his leisure time I'm afraid. I can understand the annoyance when he seems free to come and go as he pleases, whilst your caring for 4 DC though. You friends should not of even accepted his request. You can't say anything to come otherwise you'll come across as bitter and jealous

I think you're angry because he's a cheating lying bastard who convinced you to tell the world you've grown apart and are separated (but not tell anyone that his dick ended up in another woman.)

And you expect him to be discreet in return for not telling the world what a massive dickhead be really is. But he's not being discreet enough. So you feel like you've been fucked over twice.

Putting aside your eloquent words, that's the anger I'm reading.

He's an idiot. Block his social media, it's nothing to do with you any more. Get a proper separation/divorce and do a status change on Facebook to Single!! Stop pandering to his ridiculous gentelman's agreement. He's cheated on you, so his catholic life is a farce and you're being treated like a mug.

Yes, you've got to let it go. Can't change him, can only change how you react to him.

What's hurting you is not his actions, it's your interpretation of them.

I have a FB friend who posted a status requesting that everyone who had both her and her ex as a friend delete one of them. I think in her case it was a CP issue but you need not explain your reasons - it is a request. Would that contravene the gentleman's agreement?

Thanks for the replies. Reading it back, I hadn't realised the timeline was so long until I saw I'd written it myself. AbyssinianBanana sums up how I feel. I am surprised that many posters wondered if I was hoping for reconciliation - I'm not. I e clearly given the impression that I'm still very emotionally involved with him, but I think myself I'm emotionally involved in the hurt, which continues. I'm constantly finding fault with how he behaves, as if to tell myself 'see? You were right - he is a prick!' But I am realising that perhaps I am harbouring expectations that he will be a bit more kind to me, and then the waves of disappointment and anger set me back again.

You know what, perhaps you just need to be a bit more open when the conversations crop up that he did actually have an affair.

I think the issue is that you are/were hoping that he would abide by the terms of the gentleman's agreement, so are - understandably - disappointed at his inability to see that his behaviour undermines this.

When someone tells you what they are, you should listen. This man is telling you what he is: Selfish, shallow, immature, disrespectful and utterly thoughtless. He isn't going to change, so you need to stop expecting him to - because when you accept that then you won't be disappointed in his continued refusal to play ball.

The advice to disengage is wise counsel. I understand your point about the cessation of a romantic relationship not affecting the requirement to continue to co-parent for years to come. However there are levels of co-parenting. You were hoping for a sensible approach, by the sounds of it, where your children's best interests are put first. He is less bothered by the prospect of his social media leaving clues as to his new romantic interest. Co-parenting doesn't have to mean speaking to each other every week and sharing friendly updates - it can also mean keeping contact strictly limited to factual discussions about the children, and being polite and civil to each other at public gatherings like the school play and weddings.

As hard as it is you need to accept the fact that he's behaving in this way and remove yourself out of the situation. So block him on social media and make sure your friends know that they aren't to share his whereabouts and updates with you. Let him lead his life and get on with things - you have your own future to enjoy.

I would also take control and tell the children, in an age appropriate way, that you are now parenting separately and that Dad has a girlfriend. They will find out one way or another, so far better to hear it from you and have the message delivered sensitively, than stumbling across it on social media or overhearing gossip.

Thanks for the last two replies - very understanding and kind. And wise!