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Relationships

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Original poster

How easily can a 15 year relationship / 4 year marriage be over?

14 replies

LaCerbiatta · 25/01/2007 12:45

I'm talking about a friend who has decided to end her marriage. At first she told me she had lost a bit of interest in dh because he didn't lke doing things, like spending time together, going away on weekends, and didn't help at all around the house. But it turns out there is a third person involved. She tells me she's keeping the 2 things separate, but I don't think that's possible really. Do you think such a long relation can end just like that? They have a 2 yo daughter, and until not that long ago were thinking about having another one, buying house etc. I personally don't think it can end this quickly or can it? What advice would you give? I'm inclined to not giving any, because in these situations you have to work things out for yourself, but I'm feeling really sorry for her almost-x-dh who really didn't see this coming and now is on the verge of watching his life as he knows it end just like that...

OP posts:

Pinkmazza · 25/01/2007 12:50

Hi Tugamommy,

This is so sad..

I think the only advice you can give her is to tell her that she really must be 100% its not because of the third person and that she believes things would be over anyway regardless of this third person.
I would simply tell her the grass isn't always greener....

Not much help, sorry,
Pinkmazza xxxx

anniemac · 25/01/2007 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anniemac · 25/01/2007 13:08

This reply has been deleted

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wartywarthog · 25/01/2007 13:10

statistically, people who go on to marry for the second and subsequent time are less happy that they were in their first marriage.

choosyfloosy · 25/01/2007 13:10

i've been divorced and wouldn't put a dog through the pain of the process. and that was without children. but if she's decided to go, prob nothing is going to stop her.

Original poster

LaCerbiatta · 25/01/2007 13:54

But would you stay married choosyfloosy, if you could go back in time?
imo my friend is taking thinks to lightly and doesn't really look that stressed... surely months and months of hell leaving together and months and months of anguish over what to do preceed a divorce? Or maybe she's just doing the inevitable the cool way?....

OP posts:

ItsMeMellowma · 25/01/2007 13:56

Not too sure tbh...My ex sister-in-law dobe the exact same thing when she was married to my brother (obviously) she seems very happy with her new man....

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 25/01/2007 14:01

In reality, she can?t keep the two situations separate. If she wasn?t having an affair (I?m assuming your references to a third person means she?s having an affair) would she still be looking to end her marriage?

If she wants to end her marriage, if she no longer loves her dh and if life with him is now unbearable, then she should end it despite the other person. But she needs to be sure she wants to end her marriage because the marriage is unbearable, and not because she?s met someone else. Because there is a vast difference between a fling with someone who excites you and makes you feel human again, and living with that person day to day. Before too long, life with this other man will be much the same as it is with her dh, and by then it?ll be too late to decide she shouldn?t have thrown it all away.

anniemac · 25/01/2007 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HappyDaddy · 25/01/2007 15:11

It depends, these things don't happen overnight.

With my first marriage, we'd had problems for over two years. One day I decided that I couldn't take anymore and left. None of our friends or family had any idea as I'd kept up the happy act, in front of them. To them it was a complete surprise.

choosyfloosy · 26/01/2007 09:30

sorry, yes, it was definitely the right decision. just saying that it was so awful to get divorced that only the knowledge that staying married would be even worse in the long term made it bearable.

i'm with happydaddy - can be a long long process even if it doesn't look like it.

HappyDaddy · 26/01/2007 11:41

I don't regret it for a second. It was the best thing for me, and my daughter.

Original poster

LaCerbiatta · 26/01/2007 14:01

Well... I think anniemac is right, her mind is made up and there's no turning back. Even if she does decide to give it another go it will be for the sake of her dd or because she gave in to her dh pressure, but things will still be over for her.
I don't think that things would be the same if the third person was not involved though. I think that maybe this would be a rough patch that they would overcome. Maybe not, but maybe yes...

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 26/01/2007 14:06

TBH I think it's academic whether it would be different if the third person was not in the picture - cos he is. IMO your friend is fooling herself in keeping the 2 apsects separate, but her mind is probably made up. And I also agree with HappyDaddy - nobody knows what really goes on in other people's relationships. It could have been wrong for a long time and she's been putting on a brave face.

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