Anyone fancy switching lives??? I've been with my OH for 7 years & have 2 kids. We're more like roommates! We have very little in common, we've had some atrocious fights & he has said some hateful things that I can't let go from my head. He is OK around the house, helps with cleaning n stuff. He's great with the kids, except for when we have a massive argument (which is about every few months) & my eldest has seen & heard the most awful things...when he flips he ROARS at me in front of them/anyone else.....he's called me all the names under the sun....a smelly cow & a stinking fat whore....think of all the worst things u could say to someone & I've been called it. He's punched holes in all my doors. I've tried telling him to get out but he refuses to leave then he'll be all nicely-nice & I eventually end up speaking to him. He calls me 'baby' & 'gorgeous' on a daily basis but I draw him daggers behind his back & cringe if he tries to so much as kiss me. We haven't been intimate in about 2 years apart from when I've had too much to drink, even then it's been about a year. He loves the kids so much & they love him but they do have bad memories of stuff that's happened.
Another thing is, he recently found out he has a very serious condition & has to have an extremely risky operation with a long recovery period. I feel guilty for wanting him out while going through this, I feel guilty because of the kids, I don't have courage to start 'the conversation' so I've just been floating along feeling sad, lonely & depressed for the last few years. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression after my 2yr old was born but he made me feel too guilty to take the medication....told me I couldn't be a proper mum while I was 'out my nut' & 'walking about like a zombie'.
My day to day life is ok I suppose, we get on for the most part & even have a laugh now & again....more like friends tbh. We go out for dinner or go shopping. He doesn't drink anymore because of his illness, I prob drink more now than ever! He smokes weed, I don't & can't stand the smell of it. We're just 2 different people living in the same house who have 2 kids. I don't think he thinks anything is wrong, I think if I had to end it he would be shocked! Am I being selfish to want more, should I stop holding on to all the negative stuff that he's done & try to fix this or do I be selfish & rip this family apart because I want more & I want to be happy???