I know you dont give to receive, but........................advice please

[Yoksha]

I'd like some healthy feedback. My granddaughter is 18yrs old. We've jointly brought her up with her single mother. She's not entitled, spoilt or anyone's princess.

She's recently been given £1000 as a gift from her mother's boyfriend. Her younger brother (16) was given same amount, so nothing going on here. She has never bought me or her grandfather as much as a bar of chocolate, but last night I discovered she'd bought a really expensive aftershave for her new boyfriend of less than 3mnths. Now I didn't react. Why should I, it's none of my beeswax? I'm just hurt because it's never crossed her mind that she's never bought us a gift. Ever! She has bought gifts over the years for her step mother, step siblings etc. Even using money we've given her. But we seem to be no where on her list.

Am I being immature? I feel crushed. It's never bothered me to this extent. I've not aired this in RL. This is the first attempt to deal with my attitude. The expensive aftershave was the catslyst. I'm prepared to be flamed. That will at least ground me if I'm being immature. I'm 59 and I feel so childish.

I think kids sometimes need to be taught to buy gifts, ie when the mom teaches kids to acknowledge and buy gifts for the dad on Father's Day.

What is the occasion here for the gift giving to you, though? I don't think every time someone receives a cash gift from one person it should be partially re-gifted to others. Maybe there is more to the story?

Your granddaughter has never bought you a gift EVER? Seriously? Not even for Christmas or birthdays?

I actually cannot reconcile that at all. I may not have bought presents for my grandparents during the year per se - I might take some flowers or a plant on occasion - but always presents at Christmas and birthdays. But then I probably never brought my parents presents except those times either when I still lived at home, plus Mothers and Fathers Day. But I'd have bought girlfriends gifts occasionally.

Thanks for responding.

Bubbling, the not partially re-gifting is a good point. Nothing more to story than what's written. Except, since the apoearance of the Bf who is sweet btw, she's cut us dead for some reason. I find I can't address this in the way I'd address it with my 2 Dd's

DrSeth, no gifts. Not birthdays or Xmas e's.

I think you've left it too late, to be honest. If she's never been brought up to give you presents before the age of 18, you can't expect her to change her spots now. I don't understand why her mother hasn't instilled this in her - although to be fair if you have helped raise her too, I'm very surprised you perhaps couldn't have addressed this in some way yourself when she was younger or at least got her mother to do it.

I doubt she has "cut you dead". She's got a boyfriend, is probably "in love" for the first time. She's an 18-year old and her attention is bound to be all about him. Some people never change in that regard and friends find they are bottom of the list for ages when a new boyfriend comes on the scene.

Maybe you could expressly teach her gift giving on the appropriate occasions - birthdays, etc? I don't think this particular "event" counts though. She is the recipient of a gift. I don't understand why she would be required to redistribute it to others.

hmmm tough one
i adored adored my grandmother, but any presents we got her were from the family (me, my parents & my brothers together) ... it wasn't until I was earning my own money that I would've got her anything myself, and even then she scolded me because she didn't want me spending my money on her :-D. Everyone's different, but my gran wouldn't have expected me to buy her anything when i was that age

Thank you everyone. Just need to adjust my emotional compass. Hoick up my big girl pants, and stride out into life. Got plenty to be getting on with. I feel bad, because since posting I've found out 2 handmade bookmarks in my pile of books I'm ploughing through she made me. Full of love, sweet kittens and kisses. I've suitably chastised myself.

I've found that the family youngsters usually start to change at about 19 or 20 when they're earning some money of their own and/or associating with other adults on an equal footing. Before then, it pretty well seems to be a one-way street - with the exception, perhaps, of events which they're prompted to recognise. (Birthdays, Xmas etc etc.)

You start to receive things like spontaneous presents and - wait for it - spontaneous 'Thank You' notes/emails/etc.

Keep cool. they stop taking you for granted eventually.

I think that you have a Daughter issue and not a Grand daughter issue, Her Mother should have been taking your DGD out to buy you gifts in the past.

Have a quiet word with your DD, don't let this fester. Don't make it about the aftershave but maybe suggest that she is encouraged that as an adult she could get you a gift for your next birthday/Chrsitmas etc etc

I love my Grandma very much and I get her Mothers day gifts as well as my own Mum.

It is quite odd that you want her to buy you anything. I think I bought my granny funny little things like bath cubes when I was a little girl, and I certainly made her cards and crafty things as a kid, but any 'proper' gifts to her were from us as a family and bought by my mum. And like many grandparents, she was very much of the 'I've got everything I need, don't get me anything' and you'd find it all still in her drawers years later. Really can't imagine her feeling the way you describe. What she would have - and did - appreciate was us spending time with her. Is that the issue here? Are you feeling left out and unappreciated in other ways and so focusing on this? Or do you genuinely want her to spend some money you? Even though I can see it might be lovely if she, say, took you out for dinner, unless it was to say thank you for something specific, then I can't really see why it would occur to her. Of course she's going to get her boyfriend a present, she's probably smitten with him. That's what's on her mind, not getting you a present. Not lovely, I know, but that's what it's like at the age isn't it?

I don't think you are BU.

I have teenagers and they've never bought a gift for my parents with their own money. I buy my parents gifts and it comes from the whole family, but you have played a very big part in raising her and that makes a big difference, in that it would be kind for her to buy you a gift.

It wouldn't cross my DD16s mind to buy my mum or dad anything (with her own money), but I will sometimes buy a 'best grandad mug' or 'grandmum' key ring for my DCs to give their grandparents.

They only get pocket money now ... no jobs and teenagers can be damn selfish.

I don't think she's done it deliberatel, it's probably not crossed her mind.

Is she a good GDD? Helpful and polite and respectful to you?

Cozie, thanks for your kind post.

cancelthecheque, got it in one. I've realised reading your post that I'm projecting how I feel about her mum onto her.

pink, I do feel unappreciated & cast aside. But she's in love. Perhaps I need to remember how that feels.

Thanks once again.