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Relationships

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Original poster

friends with benefits - does it ever work?

47 replies

happyendings3 · 18/07/2016 11:34

I was seeing a guy for around 3 months, but we decided we wanted different things and only really saw each other as friends so have decided to end it.

After a period of no contact, he messaged me and we got chatting about all sorts - about dates, about why we didn't work out and about how we missed the sex (it was always very good).

So we ended up with him coming over to mine, we had sex (I believe this is called a booty call ) and chatted for a while about what would happen next - we've laid out some ground rules and decided to try out a 'friends with benefits' type relationship - on the understanding that we will be very open and honest with our feelings and the moment that one of us meets someone the 'benefits' bit will stop.

Is this a terrible idea?! or something that could just be some harmless fun? He was the one who actually brought up that the relationship wasn't working so I'm pretty sure this isn't some kind of attempt to win me back. Neither one of us has done anything like this before and last night we were laughing at how mad it all was.

OP posts:

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 18/07/2016 14:43

Yes it can work out just fine, better than fine 😁

adora1 · 18/07/2016 14:48

And remember to always use protection, esp in this kind of set up.

Good luck to you OP if that is enough for you, we are all different, perhaps enjoy it for as long as it's enjoyable.

happyandsingle · 18/07/2016 14:48

I think maybe im just old fashioned as fwb seems the way to go for a lot if women judging on here......

adora1 · 18/07/2016 14:50

In all the years I have been friends with single ladies not one has came out of a FWB unscathed, pretty much 100% of them eventually felt used, let down and paranoid, esp when you don't know what the hell the guy is doing when not with you, I think you need to be a pretty strong person to handle it long term but obviously some do.

I don't think it has anything to do with being old fashioned happy - and for me, I'm afraid I would just see as a man wanting me for sex and nothing else and would find that a complete turn off.

NickiFury · 18/07/2016 14:57

I don't think it ever works. Someone Is always feeling more but pretending not to because of The Rules. It's crumbs really isn't it, for people who just want to have contact of some kind with the person you have feelings for but they're not as into you. You're not good enough to be in a relationship but you're good enough to shag?

The odd shag when you're having a dry spell is fair enough, but long term agreements to be FWB nearly always end up with someone wanting more and getting hurt.

Original poster

happyendings3 · 18/07/2016 14:57

We did discuss that sex would not be the main part of the friendship. He was the one to say that we'll meet up for coffee/dinner/film night and if sex happens then great but there will never be an expectation of it.

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adora1 · 18/07/2016 15:12

So he wants you to both act like you're in a relationship but you won't actually have any say in it and if he goes off and shags someone else on Thursday night instead of you then that's just fine and dandy.

I just don't get it, you were already in a relationship but neither of you wanted it and now you are basically doing the same thing again except it's an open relationship now.

Original poster

happyendings3 · 18/07/2016 15:17

adora1 - if either of us want to shag someone else we can (although neither of us are into casual sex with random people!) but we have agreed that we'll tell each other if that happens because neither of us want to be shagging 2 people at the same time.

I'm not sure why everyone is focusing on him being able to go off and do what he wants - I've got the exact same situation (and actually more likely than him to go off and do something about it as he's a dad who has 50% custody of his child and also has less disposable income than me so doesnt go out much).

OP posts:

adora1 · 18/07/2016 15:21

Well you clearly have concerns OP or wouldn't have posted on here if you are 100% happy with it?

I'd not put 100% trust into a man who has made it clear he does not want a relationship with me so I'd take the tell each other with a pinch of salt.

And yes, you are right, you are also free to meet other men, it just already sounds a bit icky and messy to me but I guess you will find out in due course if it is for you or not - good luck.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/07/2016 15:38

I've had all kinds of arrangements in my single times, and I have found that a booty call worked well. Someone you find physically attractive but really really don't want to have a relationship with - no confusion or mixed messages.

FWB - I would say in 99% of cases, one secretly wants more.Sounds like this might be the man in your case, who is hoping that if you spend more movie nights etc together, you will forget about your plans and settle down. You're friends, so you must at least like each other and enjoy spending time together - it's very easy to start imagining you're in a relationship after all.

Original poster

happyendings3 · 18/07/2016 16:20

concerned yes, but not because I think there is something fundamentally wrong with the set up - we're both stepping into the unknown here and its just good to hear what other people have experienced.

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Original poster

happyendings3 · 18/07/2016 16:21

We're very open with each other - I'll probably show him this thread

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TheFormidableMrsC · 18/07/2016 16:49

I've been in a FWB situation for more than two years. It's perfect for me. I don't want a relationship, having been badly damaged by an horrific divorce that I am still trying to recover from. This situation suits me really well. We have a fantastic, close friendship, there are absolutely zero complications, we both know we can rely on eachother for anything and the sex is truly mindblowing. I think it's very important to have ground rules and I agree that if one of you secretly wants "more", you're going to struggle. You need to talk...and set out what you hope to achieve from this.

TheSockGoblin · 18/07/2016 17:16

I've had three different scenarios like this which worked out really well. Still friends with each one, still think they are lovely and enjoy catching up every now and then.

On the other hand I've also seen plenty of tears and upsets when people do the 'friends for now' thing..i.e having sex regularly with the hope it will eventually lead into something more serious. That has always ended badly for the people involved.

I can totally see why FWB situations get a bad press because I think many times the people involved are not being honest with themselves or each other about their real desires.

However it can and does work out well. my current FWb is someone I've known for years and years, absolutely love spending time with him and enjoy it loads when we do have sex, but we are both aware a relationship would not work out. We want totally different things and he'd make awful boyfriend material. Fun to hang out with and fab sex material? Hell yea

So really I think it's understandable you might have reservations because so many people have been burnt. However if you have examined your feelings and are truly happy with enjoying time with him and nice sex then I say go for it. Some people will insist you either have no self-respect or that you must secretly want 'more' or that it's not ok to have sex regularly with someone unless it's leading to some kind of 'commitment' or other promise of strong feelings / monogamy etc.

Some people will assume this set up means he is a 'player' and is 'using' you. But only you know how you really feel..and some of this I would imagine is challenging some of the assumptions you have internalised about what sort of sexual behaviour is acceptable for women.

There is still this underlying attitude in some quarters that women only have sex regularly for love and to be in a relationship and anything else is selling themselves short or being a slut or all sorts of things. That sex is somehow not as valuable if it happens outside the context of a commited relationship.

But sex can be a lovely and loving experience with someone you get on with, without it having to be about romantic love or a relationship. So long as all involved are aware and happy and it sounds like you both are.

HowToChooseAUserName · 18/07/2016 19:11

Free sex? What do you think should be on the table then, cash?

This is a very interesting video on the Economics of Sex. Not saying I agree or disagree with. It's just very interesting.

Scarftown · 18/07/2016 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CattDamon · 18/07/2016 20:10

I've had a few FWBs. All worked out if we were both clear about things. To be honest, one of the guys is such a close friend now that we tell eachother everything & he's been a great source of support & comfort over the years. We dip in and out of each lives, depending on other relationships & where we're at in life, but we've always been very upfront with one another.

Original poster

happyendings3 · 18/07/2016 21:05

Thanks for the stories! Sounds like it can be a really positive experience -although one to treat with caution! I think we'll be OK as long as we keep checking in with each other about how we're feeling.

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Tinklypoo · 18/07/2016 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wishiwasntme · 19/07/2016 08:15

I guess it depends on how much you value the friendship; as it could make things weird down the line when you just want to be friends again.

Many years ago, when I had a similar fwb, the friendship was never the same again and it kinda ruined it as I was happy to stop, but he still wanted more, so it became awkward, as I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I'm not good at saying no and I'm a ppl pleaser so it went on longer than I was comfortable with simply because he would pester until he got his way.

We'd been friends for years previously, but it really soured the friendship on my side as I ended up just avoiding him.

The only difference I can see for you is that you've become friends after having a relationship, and that has obviously worked, so I guess it could work again once the FwB stops.

UpYerGansey · 19/07/2016 08:17

It can work, I'm sure. I've had one in the past that worked extremely well, we are still good mates.
On the other hand, it can be a mistake. I've fallen for my more recent FWB, have just ended it, and am feeling absolutely shit 😣
He was just so lovely and got under my skin and I didn't notice until it was too late.
Tread carefully

Original poster

happyendings3 · 23/08/2016 12:33

Update on this for anyone who is interested!!

FWB relationship has been lovely - mostly friends but we did have sex a few times. I've recently started seeing someone (very new - only 4 dates in) so I told FWB that the kissing and sex has to stop for now. FWB has taken this very well, he's very happy for me and we meet up it has been totally great being just friends and he even tells me which outfits I look best in, how to wear my hair for dates etc.

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