Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

everyone thinks i'm so strong but i dont think i can take much more.......

11 replies

ivelostmyboobsboohoo · 25/01/2007 10:01

i have had the shittest week. last thurs my lovely mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was a real shock actually as consultant had said he was 90%certain it would be benign. turns out she has had it for over a year and now of course shes certain its spread all over and that shes going to die. i really am her only support. my dads with her but a bit hopeless bless him. she doesnt have any siblings or friends and i dont thave any brothers or sisters.

also been having relationship probs with h for a while and have started going to relate. this morning he tells me out of the blue (well after a usual row about money ) that he no longer loves me (i dont think he even likes me) and he wants a divorce and that he's not moving outand that we will divorce but live in same house (with 3 kids- 2 of whom have asd). how the hell does he think thats going t obe best for anyone? i mean really his timing couldnt be worse could it?

for a few years now i feel i have had a lot to deal with- firstly, his son from a prev relationship turned up out of the blue, later on that year, i found out he had been having an affair. then last year, after months of searching i found my birth mother (i was adopted at birth) and she categorically said she didnt want anything to do with me, that i meant nothing to her and she hadnt wasted a moment thinking about me since she gave me away. a couple months after this, ds1 was diagnosed with AS and there then ensued a massive battle for me trying to claim DLA for him, failing and having to go through appeal and tribunal. october last year ds2 was also diagnosed with AS and i am having to go through DLA appeal route agin.

everyone always says how well icope and how strong i am but i really dont think i can take much more. i mean how much should one woman have to deal with on her own? how am i going to get through all this? feel like running away and never coming back

OP posts:
Scootergirl · 25/01/2007 10:06

Can't offer anything but sympathy x

multitasker · 25/01/2007 10:10

I don't know what to say that isn't going to sound patronising, so all I can suggest is you look after yourself and dc. I wish you luck.

madmarchhare · 25/01/2007 10:16

Oh bloody hell, you have a lot on your plate. I cant offer any real advise other than suggest that someone here may have been through some of these things and may be able to give you a bit of guidence.

Try not to take on anything you dont have to and get plenty of sleep every night. Make sure your H, divorce or not, does is share with the house and kids.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 25/01/2007 10:25

ILMBBH, for want of something more constuctive to offer, can I recommend a book to you? It's What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger by Maxine Schnall and I have found it really helpful, on and off.

I don't want to come out with cliches, you are having to deal with so much horrible, horrible stuff and all at once (!) but I sometimes use the quote "..and this too shall pass.." in my head as a mantra to help me through what have been some very tough times. It doesn't seem like it I know, but this horrid phase WILL pass... there will come a time in the future that you will look back and think "My GOD how did I get through all that?" and feel proud because you did.. and value your new stability, however it comes about (but it will) all the more.

Sending you hugs.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/01/2007 10:41

I think you need to decide what you want to do about H first and foremost. If you feel he is just not going to work at this then you need to make it clear to him what you want. If he doesnt love you and wants a divorce - he can move out. Suggest you contact CAB with regard to actioning his moving out. Make it clear to him that its not just his decision or him calling the shots. Seems like he's been doing as he pleases for a while now....

ivelostmyboobsboohoo · 25/01/2007 14:02

thanks everybody. just got back from Relate with h. i hate hate hate going because i think i always come across really badly.... basically like a right unreasonable cow... so maybe i am. counsellor woman confuses me with her questions- i feel like i'm being cross-examined and now i've got a bloody headache. we need to work out whether we want tol try and work at it or cut our losses. but its not that simple when theres first and foremnst kids to think abouty. i do wonder why we are together. we havent the slightest thing in common. we dont do anything together. we havent had sex for literally years... ds2 and dd's conceptions were almost miraculous- had sex once with each and got pregnant.
shiny- thanks for recommendation... i will check out that book.
my best friend is training to be a counsellor so at least i'm helping someone!
still feel really rubbish, but you are all helping. thank you. x

OP posts:
oxocube · 25/01/2007 15:33

I've never been to Relate but from what I've heard about it, the counsellor shouldn't be making you feel rubbish and always in the wrong, surely? Would a different counsellor help?

Sorry you're having such an awful time and positive, healthy vibes to your mum.

ivelostmyboobsboohoo · 25/01/2007 16:02

no, youre absolutely right. i dont think i should feel like that. i think i feel a bit intimidated (no thats not the right word i dont know what is) by h who sits their in his posh suit coming out with big words and being all calm and collected and i sit there a blubbing wreck. she prob wonders what the hell he sees in me

OP posts:
seasonsreasons · 25/01/2007 16:25

Agree with VVV's post. If he really wants a divorce, he should be moving out.(I am assuming you are the primary child carer and would need to stay put for the sake of the kids). Is he just saying 'divorce' to get a rise from you? Attention seeking? That is sometimes what affairs are about too.

ivelostmyboobsboohoo · 25/01/2007 16:56

i dont really know what he wants. more to the poin t i dont know what i want either. we used to be happy. now it all seems so complicated. he seems to want it all. he wants me- but not how i am; he wants to be divorced but he doesnt want to move out; i just dont understand him. he's a brilliant brilliant dad to the kids. and he can be so lovely, but his behaviour this morning just took the biscuit. i couldnt believe he could carry on that at a tim like this. he talks to me aas if i'm about 12 half the time. i stay at home with the kids, i dont want to go to work as i want to be home with the kids til they are all at school then i may go to work part time. but he doesnt appreciate the fact that i have to ask him for money- well where else am i meant to get it from?! i understand why he doesnt want to move out and away from the kids- because of what happened with his ex and she finally got in contact when the child was 9, just before takling him off to live in a different country- so thats been sort of offered to him then cruelly whisked away. he hardly ever sees him. but you know sad as that is i dont really care and i know that sounds cruel but i'm only really bothered about my small family unit and how that works or doesnt. not sure how well i would cope as a single mum. must go now- ds1 is tormenting ds2 and have to go and shout.

OP posts:
ivelostmyboobsboohoo · 25/01/2007 16:57

sorry about typos!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread