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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Jekyll and Hyde

50 replies

Pinkacid84 · 17/07/2016 12:51

Just after some advice and to vent. I've been with my DP just over 2 year lived together 5 months. I have a DS from a previous relationship, we live our day to day life normal and happily DP adores DS myself and DP show lots of effection to each other get a long well and are very much in love. However in the 5 month and on three occasions when myself and DP have gone out drinking and he's got drunk he's turned into this person I don't recognise. The first time we were having something to eat in a restaurant and just started to feel ill I asked DP if we could go home after the meal rather then to more pubs and he snapped calling me pathetic and a loser saying I always ruin his nights out calling me names really shouting and intimidating. We got over that just put it down to drink. Something similar happened the second time because I'd been up for work from 5.30am I was ready for home earlier from our night out he again kicked off in public name calling again being nasty. Again this was forgiven. Last night we went away for a night away we were having a brilliant time got back to the hotel and he starts saying why don't you love me, I've been hugging and kissing you all day and you haven't done it back which I definitely did. I just said can we just go to sleep and again he flipped called me a bitch punched the mattress then said if I didn't move he'd punch me. This is the first time he's threatened violence he didn't hit me and I really don't think he would but I was obviously quite scared he's 6foot and stocky I'm only 5ft 3. He eventually calmed down we went to sleep then this morning he says am I going to say sorry??! I don't know why I need to say sorry. I've told him I may have to end the relationship because he scares me when this happens he just says everyone argues when they're drunk but it's never an argument I hardly say anything just get verbal abuse! I really don't know what to do like I say he's the most kind natured loveliest person sober. Is the answer to end it or for him not to drink but he doesn't see the problem

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 17/07/2016 16:09

Sorry, but whilst you might be willing to take that chance I most certainly am not. This is not a discussion, I am telling you that we are no longer a couple.

tofutti · 17/07/2016 16:10

He says he'd never hurt me he'd kill himself if he did.

He's more likely to kill you

ElspethFlashman · 17/07/2016 16:13

Oh and by the way, these promises of "seeing someone"...

They never ever ever materialise. They keep putting it off for plausible reasons until you feel like you're being a bully for even bringing it up. When they're the ones who suggested it in the first place! A few months later he's done jack shit and he's starting to get unpleasant again and you're more stuck there than ever.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/07/2016 16:13

Tell him to leave, and when he's stopped drinking for 6 months or a year, and he's had some counselling - then he can come back to you, but not before

Resilience16 · 17/07/2016 16:15

Get away from this abusive man. If he is serious about getting help for his issues then he can do that regardless of you being together.
Don't let him manipulate you into staying. Words are cheap, and with an abuser you always hope it is the last time, until the next time and the next time...
He says he wouldn't hurt you, he already has. And blames drink for his actions rather than taking responsibility for them himself.
So many red flags. Please don't ignore them, and please take the advice you are being given here. He won't miraculously change, if anything things will escalate.
You deserve better, as does your kid.

Original poster

Pinkacid84 · 17/07/2016 16:18

I just said there's no point him getting help when he doesn't think he's got a problem. His first words this morning wouldn't have been am I going to say sorry if he knew how bad he really was. I don't think he's even used the word sorry yet but bit late for that now

OP posts:

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/07/2016 16:31

Well done Pink, you really are doing the right thing. Imagine how you would have felt when he started on your DS, which would have only been a matter of time.

Original poster

Pinkacid84 · 17/07/2016 16:38

I don't know about well done this is going to be hard! Obviously I've told u guys the bad things there is good things. Plus I'm really close with his family his sister in law is a really good friend of mine they all love my DS I'm sure there will be wobbles. He does scare me and I think any night out we had in future id be on edge trying not to say the wrong thing. I've screen shot this thread to keep re reading it

OP posts:

blueshoes · 17/07/2016 16:38

Pink, you said in a previous post: ``He's not really apologised for last night just keeps saying I must have started it but he can't remember what I said!"

He is not solely blaming the drink, he is now starting to blame ... you. Please think about where this is going and harden your resolve to leave.

OurBlanche · 17/07/2016 16:54

That he scares you is all you ever need to say, remember, act on.

You do not have to live scared. He has no right to scare you or to suggest it is not his fault... it is only his fault

It is also his shame to bear, not yours. So practice thinking it and then saying it, out loud: I threw him out because he scared me with his violence.

DoreenLethal · 17/07/2016 16:57

He replied saying it's not who he is it's just the drink. He says he'd never hurt me he'd kill himself if he did. He says he won't drink as much and he says he'll even see someone about it.

Please don't fall for this shite.

Text back 'that's great, it might help our next partner from being as scared as I was last night'.

Original poster

Pinkacid84 · 17/07/2016 17:21

Oh god he's just come home from work told them he didn't feel well, he wanted to 'talk' we did talk and I just still feel like he doesn't understand the full extent of it. He's begged me to give him one more chance I've stuck to my guns and said no he's left again don't know where he's going.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 17/07/2016 17:26

How do you feel, having remained firm?

Well done, by the way

FreeFromHarm · 17/07/2016 17:27

right, call the police and get this logged, explain that you are concerned for your safety, DO IT NOW ! please explain what happened , call womens aid also.

Smorgasboard · 17/07/2016 17:30

It's become about his sense of self-entitlement, how his life is affected - not by the behaviour he chose, but by others around him. Look at how he deals with negative things that happen to him, he attributes the reason's to everything external to him and presents himself as the victim. He's, blaming you that it happened, wanting you to say sorry.
He's a person who doesn't take responsibility. If you look generally at his life, you will probably notice other less extreme cases where things have not gone according to plan because XYZ happened, non of it his fault.
How do I know he's like this? He's told you "I'd kill myself if I hurt you" - nice that, so he wouldn't not hurt you because it would be a wrong inhuman thing to do, and because you should cherish what you love, oh no, he'd not do it because he feels he'd have to then damage the one thing he loves most after- ie. himself.
So he's told you who he is, his primary motivation is himself. I'd guess with an attitude like that, he's always going to have problems sustaining close relationships.

FreeFromHarm · 17/07/2016 17:32

Do not listen to his begging, if he continues to text after to just ignore, but keep, it will help for the future, do not engage with the tears/ threatening of suicide or anything that will make you cave in .
Please keep in contact so we know you are ok

pinkyredrose · 17/07/2016 17:45

How does he know he won't hit you if he can't control himself when drunk?

Smorgasboard · 17/07/2016 17:50

Also, after saying "he'd never hurt you" there's no 'end of'. In fact what is more worrying is that is he then effectively does a 'but if I did' (because, he's not even sure himself he won't) I'd kill myself.
So you should know, he does not have the normal level control to prevent heinous acts, he will regret them after because of the consequences he will suffer, but that will be too late for you.
I'm sure he's feeling very sorry for himself now that you have threatened to dump his 'not sorry for others' ass. Que the begging and pleading, convincing you of the good stuff.
All you need to do is be reasonable, put the ball in his court, enforce a hiatus in the relationship until he's proved that he has taken professional help, then it's your choice as to risk finding out if the help worked or not.
Time frame up to you, but it will be a minimum of months, not weeks.

Original poster

Pinkacid84 · 17/07/2016 17:54

Yes often when we fall out I end up apologising even when I don't feel I've done anything. He's definitely playing the victim with his sad face and watery eyes. I've had a text from his mum she said he's there he's told her we've had an argument I'll just leave it at that for now. Exactly he forgets a lot of things that were said or he did so he could easily hit me he's not in control of himself. Thanks again for the advice and support ladies I never thought it would end up like this, he's such an idiot we could have had a lovely life

OP posts:

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/07/2016 17:57

Yes, Pink your last sentence, that's where I really feel for you, you could have had a lovely life! What an idiot.
Do you know anything about his previous relationships? Probably a stupid question, because you never know the other side of the story do you!

Original poster

Pinkacid84 · 17/07/2016 18:01

He's only had one serious relationship before about 4 years long. She cheated on him that's been confirmed. He's always said he didn't know love until he met me though. I almost asked earlier if he'd ever been aggressive with her but he'd only say no even if he had I suppose

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 17/07/2016 18:06

At some point you are going to have to tell his mum why... or you will look back wondering why you didn't, why you let him 'get away with it' at your own expense - basically why you let yourself agree to be the bad guy, that you threw him out because of an argument.

That is part of his act too... he is still pulling your strings, you are still allowing it.

That said, you have done really well to have held firm when he ambushed you by coming home early!

Lookatyourwatchnow · 17/07/2016 18:18

You really are doing fantastically, OP. You sound really string and level-headed, and you are doing the right thing for you and DS.

Original poster

Pinkacid84 · 17/07/2016 18:41

I'm not really I'm dying inside but I'll have an early night tonight work tomorrow which will be hard then rest of the week off with my beautiful son

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 17/07/2016 19:00

OP I am in awe that you've kept your head in the face of his crocodile tears and pathetic manipulation today.

You are one incredible woman and your ds is a lucky boy. It's a shame that you'll have to lose contact with his family but they will naturally side with him so they aren't really your friends now. But it's a sacrifice with making. A million times over.

Treat your self with one act of kindness each day this week. You deserve it.

Whenever you are wobbling just repeat 'I left him because he started to threaten me with violence'

Take care of yourself.

for you.

And

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