Having 'the talk'

[Peonylass]

I know a lot of people will have been in the same position.

Over the 15 years together I have questioned quite a few times if I could stick with it. Ultimately I have managed to do so. I don't feel that I can any more. I don't see that the relationship will ever change so it's time to get out.

I am struggling to broach the subject. H is on long term sick and leant on me very heavily at first. Despite intimating that he wanted out at Christmas he denies this now. Actually he has used my bringing it up as yet another example of how unreasonable I am. I have told him that I am unhappy in the relationship but it's not really taken on board.

I need to start an open discussion about this and ask that we separate. He avoids talking to me. E.g. yesterday I arranged for us to go out, not intending to broach the subject, and when I asked him how he was feeling he leapt up and went to look at something away from us, changing the subject.

He is a very repressed man and I think he will react very badly. But I can't face months and years of this just to avoid any confrontation. I promised myself I would get out once the kids were grown up, but that's still 10 years away. I can't do it.

Yet, he is also just starting to get a little better in himself. if I tackle this now I'm going to be setting him back again.

A relationship is, at its most fundamental, a conversation between two people that leads to reciprocally agreed action.

If you aren't talking there is no relationship.

Have you tried couples therapy.

Yes, from couple therapy I got a list of rules about when not to speak. When he got in from work, meal times, when the tv is on, when we are in bed. ...

Obviously you need to pick your times to have conversations if the relationship is very weak. In general, everyone has moments when they are more receptive to talking than others!

I get that, but due to the amount of tv watching and internet surfing, I essentially spend my evenings alone, and it's been like that for years. I was also asked not to hover whilst the tv was on during couples therapy.

I miss conversation so much it's killing me.

He can be so chatty in public most people don't realize how little he talks when we are on our own

Obviously you miss conversation. You are missing a relationship!

TBH I'd send him an email

"As you are aware I have been trying to discuss our relationship with you and you are avoiding it. So far as I am concerned the relationship is over. Please let me know whether you would prefer to discuss things either on x or y"

Er, why are you seeing this as a 'conversation'? Why do you need to 'ask' him to separate?

Are you hoping that a conversation will result in an amicable, mutually agreed, painless separation? And that if you just wait for the right moment it will be easy?

How likely is that to happen? How many years are you prepared to wait for him to give you his permission - or blessing - to leave?

Based on my experience - don't bother waiting, it won't happen. Instead accept that you will have to endure some short term pain for the very worthwhile long term gain of your freedom and happiness. Maybe do some prep first (finances, local mediators/solicitors, consider how he's going to react and plan for that) then tell him it's over and that you are separating. Otherwise it will never happen.

Friend of mine went through similar and in the end wrote a letter, it was very brief but it made the point. I would suggest the same if getting them to sit and listen isn't working

purple you are exactly right. I have some unrealistic expectations that there is a way to do this where he will somehow agree.

I would make the plans about how you want it to end in terms of selling up/moving out etc. and inform him that you ARE ending the relationship and you want x to happen.

It will give you some control back after he's stonewalled the issues for years.

Haha this is another issue. The house was mine before we married and I wound up giving him half of it before the wedding.

My parents have given us a lot of money to renovate and rebuild, work just recently completed and paid for.

I really do not want to give up our home. I couldn't face my parents for a start and the kids have special needs, meaning a move would be huge. I accept that he is due half of it. I can't afford to buy him out. Another reason why I am reluctant to let it blow up.

He won't be due half of it if you have the kids living with you. See a solicitor before telling him you're splitting up. Ultimately, if it's what you want then he doesn't actually get a say.

Thanks. I am quite happy to split every thing in half if he can wait until the kids grow up. He was in debt when we met .

My work offers free legal advice so I am waiting for that before I do anything drastic.

Part of me thinks I should just suck it up for a few more years, but what if he'd actually be happier too? And what kind of example do I set for my two girls, having a surly lazy man kicking around expecting to be looked after?