How would you deal with a dh like this?

[yummymummycleo]

I ve been married five years and often find my marriage hard. dh and I are quite different people and have totally different views on life. As times gone by and 2dcs, who are 3.5 and 1.5,later this is becoming more of a problem. I guess this is as life's got busier and more stressful with dcs and my dh is a director of his own business which is just taking off and so finds this more stressful than most. I get this is stressful but. I feel most people are better at just getting on with things.

He just wants to sit around the house all weekend and recharge his batteries. He has this fatigue thing which runs in the family and so lacks in energy a lot and things like drinking and stress seem to effect him more than most. But he doesn't help himself with this by not going to bed late and cutting back on triggers like certain foods and drinks. He finds it hard to do anything he doesn't want to do without an argument first. He doesn't see my view that that's life and that I do plenty of things I don't want to do but get on with it.

I like to be busy and like to go out. I find life easier with the kids to go out so they are distracted and busy rather than arguing with each other at home. We compromised and had one day in and one day out at the weekends but even that doesn't seem to work now.

We ve just got back from a weeks holiday, which although not totally relaxing with the age of our dcs, I felt we had down time and says were spent on the beach and in the pool.

There's an annual boat festival where we live today and I want to go. It's meant to be a lovely day and I thought the kids could paddle in the water fountains and we could go around the stalls and look at the boats. Have lunch out and look in some art shops. This is my idea of a lovely relaxing day with dcs. Much more relaxing than being in. Dh refuses and wants to stay in and get sorted for work tomorrow. I can understand this so said lets go after lunch after dds nap. Still refuses. This is not his idea of fun. He says he needs this day to relax for his body before going back to work. I see going to the festival as relaxing. It's not like we re going climbing or shopping!

We are so different. Sometimes I think I wouldn't have married him if I knew he would be like this. I don't want life like this for the next thirty years. He's so moody. He makes no effort with friends and our whole social life is organised by me. However, when he is out he comes across as the life and soul of the party and is very sociable. He's the sort of person people instantly like. Yet, to get him out is a chore.

How would you handle this? Should I just go out with the dcs on my own? However, I don't find this much fun and friends are all busy doing family stuff at the weekend and I don't have lots of friends to call upon. I don't want to spend the next thirty years doing family things on my own or arguing so he ends up coming because he's been made too. I want us both to be happy.

Thanks for the responses.

He's A little lazy I guess. He's happy for me to do stuff and doesn't tidy up after himself etc but generally he's pretty good with the kids and although I'd like him to do more in the household he does step up when asked. He does allow me to have time to myself and will take the kids when I go out.

We ve been talking and he says he just doesn't have the energy levels to deal with two demanding young children. After our weeks holiday he has seen how hard I work looking after the kids and feels like he's going back to work for a rest- that's the first time he's said anything like that so that's something! But He finds it harder than most and feels he needs to listen to his body when he's tired.

His fatigue isn't medical but his mum and her mum have/had it. His mum has found ways of dealing with it and she has high energy levels now but dh doesn't seem to follow her advice. I understand this but feel his stressful job and this fatigue seems to impact too much on our lives. It stops us doing things I would like to do.

I am not a SAHM I work two days a week which I find is a good balance. but I am off work for the summer so I think part of the problem is finding the balance where both of us have time with the kids as a family, he has time to sort things at the weekend and we have time together and time alone. It's hard to fit all these things in.

I guess part of the problem is I am not very good at doing things on my own. I am the sort of person who likes to do things with someone else and this is tricky as I haven't actually got that many friends. I find it hard to make friends so don't have lots of people to call upon to meet up with when dh doesn't want to come out. The ones I do have do family things at the weekend, which is fair enough. I guess I need to work on this. I see other couples shopping together or going to these events together and feel sad that dh isn't more up for it like the other men I see. I wish he was.

I guess because I have the kids by myself three days a week I also don't want it to be just me and the kids at the weekend too. I want some support and help with them. I guess I want family days out.

We ve decided to really try and do the one day in and one day out thing at weekends. I am the kind of person who likes to go out and doesn't just chill in the garden on nice days so we agreed as its summer I would try and do this more.

Ps. He is quite selfish though and admits he puts his needs before the kids and mine. He admits he wants to do what we wants to do when he wants to do it. I find it very hard to put up with this attitude. When we end up going out at weekend he says it's because I ve made him, he's says we do everything I want to do and that I am the demanding one. We rarely go out at a weekend without a huge argument beforehand. I find it very exhausting.

One day in and one out at the weekend sounds like a reasonable compromise. I do think if you're just back from holiday though, your DH could have a free pass for that weekend .

It sounds like it would help if you agreed in advance what you're doing at the weekend. For us we try to do one family activity per weekend - but it doesn't need to be a big thing, for example today we did an hour or so of pokemon hunting, or we might go for a walk and then some lunch.

Making more friends would help - I enjoy doing outings with other mums and DS's pals on my non working day during the week.

Also another option - could you leave DH to look after the DCs for a bit whilst you go out and do something you enjoy - gym/shopping or whatever? That way he gets not to go out, but also spends time interacting with his dCs.

I really, really feel for you OP. It's a bit of an MN cliche but I could quote literally have written your post word for word, except our DC are 4 years old and 3 months old, so I'm on mat leave and at home with them both.

I think small children need to be taken out at least once a day - nothing particularly grand, it can just be errands if need be, but rattling round the house all day tends to make most kids bored and ratty and at the weekend goving the kids what they need should be the responsibility of both parents, not just the one who 'wants' to go out.

I've recently had a really similar talk with my DH and I'm afraid I concluded that this Is down to selfishness in his case. All he could talk about was how hard it is for him to have to come home to help with bedtime when his young colleagues are out drinking, how he wants to be able to do more for himself... This to a wife 10 weeks post partum still struggling to get my body feeling halfway human after an EMCS and two scar infections, EBF the baby so of all night feeds and no days out for me... I was so unimpressed.

If it was up to him (and I wasn't there) my DH would just put sport on the telly and watch it all weekend whilst ignoring the kids wrecking the living room around him. I don't think he'd even deny that!! It's so hard to feel like this. I wish I had the answer for you! I hate to say it but I am actually debating whether we have a long term future.

I think you are right, the answers are a. compromise and b. finding other people to do things with.
If you work 2 days, and maybe don't have too much of a commute, it's not surprising that your "home appetite" is satisfied while he is still very hungry for home.

why do you find it hard to make friends?
Do you have any siblings? (and if so, what is the birth order?)
Has anyone other than your DH ever said anything like "we do everything I want to do and that I am the demanding one"? Or hinted at it?

I am rather like your DH. I really don't do going out and about every day. It really stresses me out and I often can't wait to get home

DH isn't the most outgoing of people either, so I guess that for us it is much more rarely an issue. We often do things separately. He likes to go cycling, and sometimes DD3 (14) will accompany him. I am not at all interested in that and would stay at home, leaving them to it.

I say go and do what you want to do with the kids without him. Why would it be any fun to be out and about with someone who you knew didn't want to be there?

You sound as though you have come up with a sort of compromise to try for now though. Might help, but you may just have to accept that you are very different people.

Not sure why it's relevant but I am the third child of three. I ve always struggled with friendships and yes, probably lost friendships before because I have too high expectations. So unfortunately that means I have few long term friends. I find it ok to make friends but find friendships fizzle out after a while or I have to make the effort with people. People aren't that bothered by me. That's a whole other post.

I don't find going out with dcs on my own that much fun. I like to be with others. At the weekend I don't want another day dealing with them by myself after several days in the week. At 3.5 and 1.5 they are very demanding. I see other dh/dps doing things and wish dh was more like that.

It sounds then that you have mismatched expectations.

You can't change your DH - you can reach a reasonable compromise, but you can't fundamentally change who he is, and if this is purely about him not wanting to go out as much as a family rather than him abdicating parental responsibilities, then to me it doesn't sound like he is a bad/lazy person, just different from you and needs some time to decompress at home which can be done with the DCs.

I find with friendships with DS's friends DMs, it's important to keep expectations fairly low. It's not about your friendship as such, it's about having some company whilst the DC's play together. I'd work on establishing that a bit more - ask someone if they want to meet you at the park with the DCs.

OP, I used to wish that too, but the dc got bigger and the business more profitable. A lot of those lovey do it all together couple aren't any more.

Yes I know I can't change him. He's not an introvert really but he seems to struggle with things more than most and has low energy levels. I do feel he turns his fatigue on and off when it suits him though. He had the energy to stay up late every night of the holiday chatting to BIL or to go out with work colleagues. He doesn't put drinking before the family though. He just doesn't have much get and go which frustrates me.

It's hard to try and agree in advance and that causes arguments too. I like to be organised and know what I am doing. Things have to be planned around dds nap and lunch etc. He's much more off the cuff. If I try and discuss what we might do at the weekend in advance he either agrees and then changed his mind at the last minute and says he just agreed to get me off his back. Often we don't end up doing it so this leads to an argument. Or he says we ll talk about it later which never comes . He says he doesn't want his whole life scheduled. Whereas I am quite a routine person.

It's tricky as I don't want to spend the next thirty years having these same arguments, I ve noticed we seem to have more and more different as times gone on and I think I wouldn't have married him if I d known it would turn into this. But I do love him. I don't think it's a deal breaker I suppose but I wish we had the same outlook on things. It makes life difficult.

OP, not everyone always wants to schedule all of their spare time going out and doing things with others. To be honest, it would be my idea of hell. I might go out and do things on my own (shopping, for a walk, for a coffee etc.), or I stay in and do my own thing.

You are not like that, but it sounds like your DH is. Neither of you can change the other. Stop trying. Just settle down to each doing your own thing.

No need for "family days" out scheduled every weekend. We rarely did that and our DDs have survived.

Relax more. Go with the flow. Map things out for yourself and the kids with friends if you want to. Give DH the option to come along or not, without pressuring him. He may come some times and not others. Don't be disappointed either way.

I get the impression that you might be pressuring him and trying to make him fit your ideal, but don't. He won't. I wouldn't.

I remember feeling a bit like this when I was off with maternity leave. I was keen to get out and do things at the weekend, but DH was tired after a week at work and was happier to mooch around the house.

It's unclear from your posts if your DH is abdicating responsibility for his DCs in which case you are absolutely right to be annoyed at him, or if it's just he prefers more relaxed and unstructured down time, in which case it's just a personality thing.

OP you said up-thread that you find it hard to maintain friendships as you can be quite high maintenance. That's very self-observant and it strikes me that your DH may be receiving all of your intensity and feeling under pressure.

Is it possible for you to join some mothers & toddlers groups and make some new friends that way? I feel that a good solution to this is to do a bit more socialising during the week, then you might be more relaxed about not having plans every weekend.

Top-yes you're right. I will try. I am the sort of person who likes to have things booked in. I am compromising so feel he needs to as well.

I am quite busy during the week and do meet up socially with people and do toddler groups etc. I would just say I haven't got lots of friends to call upon at weekends. I just like family time at weekends and don't want to go out alone with dcs. It's another day with me and dcs.

Dh does take responsibility for dcs. He's got a lot better now we have two. He's happy to have them when I go out alone is great. But he will just stay in with them. I don't really understand why you would want to stay in.

Well, you like to go out, he doesn't. So go out on your own and leave him with the DC's so you get a break. Go out with a friend for coffee/lunch/shopping. If he doesn't want to go out, that's fine, but he can't use it as an excuse not to parent.

So next weekend, say you want to go to X. When he says no, say that's fine, I'll go with Sue and you can stay home and watch the kids. Use it to your advantage - you get your child-free time out of the house and he's forced to do a day of childcare!

I know it's not ideal but when he sees that the alternative to a day out with his family is looking after the kids on his own all day, he might change his tune.

X-post.

Well, he probably doesn't understand why you feel the need to be out all the time.

Children don't need to be taken out and entertained all the time. Playing in the garden is just as fun for a 3.5 year old as going to the park. Going out on day trips is for your benefit, not theirs.

I spent loads of time at home when I was small as my parents worked. I played make-believe in the garden, made potions, dug holes, looked for worms, played catch. My dad taught me how to play chess and he helped me with music practise.

You're just different. He's not wrong to want to stay at home just because you don't enjoy it.

Do you think that you would benefit from couples' counselling or a marriage course to improve your communication? It sounds like you have completely different ideas of how to relax and enjoy yourselves. Not insurmountable as long as the two of you manage to talk about it, try to understand each other's point of view and compromise.

It's wrong of him to agree to something just to get you to stop talking about it, but you do sound like hard work tbh. Do you think this is why you also struggle to maintain friendships? Maybe people find you a bit too organised and not very relaxing company? Agree with a pp that was a very honest admission from you.

DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago and found it really helped us to communicate better.

I prefer to stay home with the children, we potter about, cook together, the children play independently and with each other, as they get older do homework, play outside. My husband prefers to do days out to local theme parks, eat out, do event type things. I think that makes a good pairing, to be honest, especially as he's happy to take the children out without me on occasion so I can put my feet up.

You are seeing this as two people who are incompatible, whereas these things can be complimentary, if you can manage them in the right way, it's good to have children cared for with parents who are a bit different and give them different experiences. There's no one right way to have a day with children on the weekend.