On 31 December, I posted a message asking for a recommended marriage counsellor after my wife had told me she wanted a separation. I was devastated for us and the children, and I asked her to see a counsellor with me, which she did in the New Year - very reluctantly. In that session, she said some stuff that ripped my heart open. It felt like the marriage was 99% over, and the counsellor’s face was one of sad resignation. But there was a precious 1% to work with and I was convinced we were better off together. I somehow persuaded her to come to further counselling, which was pretty painful, but as the weeks rolled on the counsellor was great at gently teasing out and helping us address our underlying problems. To cut a long story short, if only to protect identities (and my fingertips), my wife had a (huge) change of heart and we are now back on track. We’re still work in progress, and not quite on the next train to Venice, but we’re working on that. The counsellor got a very nice bottle of bubbly when she deemed us safe to be released into the community.
Obviously I’m in no position to provide relationship advice, but here are a few observations which might help others who are looking down the same barrel.
- Trust your instincts. Mine told me that I loved her to bits, in spite of it all, and that was worth fighting for.
- Seek expert advice. Chirpily-titled books like “My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Any More” got me a few pitiful looks on the 7.04 am commuter train, but they helped to focus my mind and gave me good advice about what to do (and what not to do). The Relate and Andrew Marshall books are all good.
- Get expert counselling fast, and let the professional (who has probably heard it all before) lead the way. It’s important that you connect with the counsellor, so don’t be afraid to ask to change if you don’t. Good counselling isn’t cheap, but think of it as investment not an expense.
- Don’t do it alone. Seek the counsel of a small handful of wise friends of both genders, and tell them everything - warts and all - so they can point out if you are being unreasonable. I avoided talking to mutual friends whom I knew my wife had confided in because I didn’t think it would be fair on them.
- Be graceful. This is hard when you are having all manner of blame and shit thrown at you, but if you can take it on the chin when you are genuinely at fault, and push back gently but firmly when you aren’t, you will avoid fanning the flames when they least need it. A good counsellor will bring perspective to problems, and help each party acknowledge the part they are playing; it’s quite often a case of "six of one”.
- In all likelihood, you’re both going to have to change to reboot the relationship, so demonstrate proactively that you are willing and able to change.
- We devised a code for telegraphing that we are about to say something that usually had the potential to spark an argument or bad atmosphere. Instead of saying “You never put the bins out and it really pisses me off” in an aggressive voice, we agreed that we would adopt a Jeeves like voice (think Stephen Fry) and say “Might I most respectfully and humbly request that you share the pleasure of placing the bins out?”
- Keep your chin up - it’s way more attractive - and look after yourself. And good luck!
Lastly, thanks to Rainbowlou1 for her kind empathy when I last posted. We both had a pretty shitty Christmas and New Year, but I dearly hope her 2016 has picked up like mine has.