Cocklodger - or good egg?

[therealmrsclooney]

A couple of years ago I separated from my DH after 22 years together. I went online and soon found myself in a relationship with a nice man...

DH was very successful at work. Made lots of money but was never at home. We have 2 DC (12 and 16).

The nice man is the antithesis of DH. He is available - physically and emotionally - attractive, caring, thoughtful, very good with my DC, can cook, shares many interests with me, helps out... BUT he was made redundant 3m into our relationship and has not yet managed to find a permanent job (just supply teaching). He has a son who he's still paying for and money is tight - especially in the school hols when there is no teaching.

He has suggested moving in a couple of times and I've told him I don't want that for the foreseeable future (there isn't really enough room for a start). Anything nice we do is entirely bankrolled by me, and I've got sick of it. I tried to get a job last year after 16 years being a SAHM, and I know it's tough. So tough that I had to resort to starting a very small business this year and create my own work. He has many talents and much experience.

I don't want to lose him but don't really want to carry on like this. What would you do?

Still early days for moving in IMHO. Can you carry on a while longer, as you say, no teaching in school hols. Maybe have an idea in your head of a review time. Say, in 6 months time if he still has no job, reconsider how you feel?

What subject is he trained to teach?

I am surprised he can not get a job. Now is a good time to look as no one working at the moment can take a job due to resignation dates.

There is a middle ground, surely ?

I could have no respect for a partner I had to bankroll. How are you doing that by the way when you don't have a regular salary yourself ? Using savings ? That would be a huge mistake.

He is a potential Cocklodger. Which is dangerously close to being an Actual Cocklodger. And almost as annoying/unattractive.

Surely this kills the attraction?

Your instinct is right regarding him moving in. Do not do it!!!!!

Regardless of his income/ability to work I would suggest it is far too soon to be even thinking about living together - it would be hugely difficult for your children and they are at a tricky stage in their lives ................... (I know, I have a teenager).

I would just carry on 'dating' and making sure you are not paying too much when you go out.

I would just be a bit cautious here, how long has he been unemployed, is he actively searching for work or thinking something is just going to land in his lap? I had something similar with an ex, it was one month in he got made redundant, despite signing on, he still had to pay his ex's mortgage, their daughters private school fees, maintenace etc. This meant out of all the parents I was the only one working, I wouldn't move in with him or let him move in till he got a new job, for the following 5 years he was unemployed, I had to put up with him being skint, and any money he did get when straight out on his daughter, we had few nights out, holidays were a struggle as his ex then thought he had money, I didn't like my kids feeling inferior because of his ex's extravagant spending, in the end he cheated on me with another single mum, who he met while he was supposed to be job hunting, just be careful and don't let your kids go without because he is skint!

It is a deal breaker, form my point of view, I was looking forward to being with a man who had a job, a car and his own money in his pocket! I am embarrassed to admit I was looking forward to holidays, which so far my kids had gone without, and even buying a flat so my kids would have some security, I was looking forward to an easier life. At the time, although I was working, it was part time, while I had enough to give my kids a better standard of living then when I was unemployed, money was still tight, and their father never helped out. I really did start to resent letting this man eat our food and use our resources, while he sold his car to pay for his daughters private school or to help his ex out, it makes me cringe about what a mug I was!

How long has been out of regular work? If you've been together several years and he lost his job a few months in, that suggests several years of light work too - which really means he's not looking that hard. I think you need to talk to him. Does he plan on getting regular work again or is he happy?

I could live with someone only bringing in a bit of money, if we'd talked about it and that was a mutually agreed plan. Just deciding it without any say from you is dodgy behaviour.

No job would be a deal breaker for me too. I'd be happy to support another through illness or short term job loss but wouldn't be happy to pay for another adult as they didn't want to work or wanted to do just a pin money job.

Partnerships are meant to share everything, when one has to provide everything financially resentment sets in.

No job would not bother me if he treated looking for a job as a full time job.

I seem to be the opposite of everyone else but I think you are being unfair on him.

From what you say he is kind, nice, thoughtful, helps you out and is good with your DCs.

From what you say it seems he has worked hard for many years in a career where he has professional qualifications. Through no fault of his own he was made redundant (which could happen to any of us). He's on a field where permanent jobs are often difficult to get but still he has done the best he can and has taken on supply teaching. He must be feeling quite demoralised by this.

Finances may be tight but from what you say he is still affording to fund his own place to live and is prioritising paying for his child above him having fun - as he should.

All this sounds like a good egg who has some bad luck to me.

Your principal complaint seems to be that you are bank-rolling joint activities. If that bothers you then stop. Stay in with him and watch a film. Play board games. Go out with your friends instead.

Can't he try for jobs in pubs, cafes, shops until he finds a teaching job - assuming these sorts of jobs are available in your area.

In my experience, supply teaching pays very good rates. Much better than regular teaching, precisely because the supply teacher will not be getting paid during holidays and this will cover these times. Unless he has not been able to find much supply work, I don't see why you should be payrolling all the 'nice' activities! Sounds a little like you are being taken advantage of here...