Women's thoughts please..,

[Blokeneedshelp1]

Hi

I'm a married man, mis 30s and married for 12 years, didn't date long before this and had first child a year into our relationship, now have 3 great kids.

To summise we got married young, my wife has/d issues with esteem and had been bullied as a kid, I was adopted and only realise now the cluster f**k of issues this has caused me.

we had issues from the start but for long I thought these were mine alone, I've worked jobs I hate to support her when she wanted to take longer off to be with our kids, something which put me in debt which took years to get past.

When I our 20s and out with friends my wife would be the one to flirt with other fellas, I've found her holding hands with other men, deep in conversation etc

The years role on, we grow older and happier, more so through mutual safety. I start an affair, I fall for the person and hard, a connection I never had, she's my every thought and want.

But I've a wide who is totally financially reliant on me, 3 children who I love with all my heart.

Can you stay and be in acceptance of what I have or leave?

I know I'm a total bastardd for the affair, I know that the issues that drove me to seek affection are my fault, but it's the situation I am in. My wife knows about the affair and it's over but I think more and more of her everyday, I miss the connection more than I've ever missed my wife

[Blokeneedshelp1]

I know, couldn't believe it happened

[FuzzyEyes]

I didn't read the full thread OP. But it sounds like both you and your partner have a lot of issues that need to be worked out. Have you had therapy/counselling? Have you considered couples counselling?

You've had all the stresses of having a young family, debt, money, etc in your marriage/family life.

It is quite possible that part of what was so compelling and what you miss about the affair was the escape from your responsibilities and having a chance to be a bit self-centred. The good thing is that you can arrange this sort of thing, without having an affair.

Perhaps both you and your wife need some 'me time' and some 'us time' so you can forget about your responsibilities and enjoy yourselves alone and together.

There are ways to revive a flagging relationship - but it sounds like you both need therapy/counselling to help that along.

I personally don't think you should be in a hurry to end the relationship with your wife before having a damn good crack at making it work, for your children's sake.

[FuzzyEyes]

Oops just read about the violence.. not good. Are the children safe?

[KickAssAngel]

Can you just clarify:
Does your wife work?

Also - you say it's best for the kids financially for you to stay, but why can't you leave and pay enough maintenance that they won't be affected?

If your wife is violent/erratic/controlling in any way, then you need to be working on a way to get out for your own safety, and to protect the kids. Could you be the resident parent? IS there evidence of her abuse so that you can build a legal case to support you having them? Do you think your wife will become dangerous to your kids if you leave?

Of course you shouldn't stay with someone who hits you. Work out the best way to help your kids, and to get yourself out. If necessary, if your wife is physically violent, have her arrested and removed from the home.

[KickAssAngel]

Oh, and stop obsessing about the other woman. Having an affair is going to make this whole situation massively worse. Make sure that your kids are safe and supported, and end the marriage. Once the dust settles, if it's true love the other woman will still be there.

[Blokeneedshelp1]

Oh the kids are safe, it was very out of character for her but once I thought I could accept and maybe take the blame for but the second time is too much

Yea she works, has no filter with money though, gets paid and spends it all and then takes from me for the next 3 weeks, I pay every bill of the house, we've talked about this and always says she'll change but doesn't happen

Tried counselling, the counsellet told her she needed it before the us and she stopped going, yet kept taking ye money for it!

[smilingeyes11]

And what about the emotional damage. They are not safe from that and by not stopping them being exposed to violence you are showing them how to behave themselves as an adult.

Anyway you are not reading or listening so I am out. I hope you get out, I doubt you will unless OW gives you a home. What a mess.

[KickAssAngel]

When you say you pay the bills, do you mean that you're paying for everything, including food, clothes etc for everyone? Then she is using 100% of her salary just for her own entertainment, and leaving you and the kids with zero for yourselves?

[Blokeneedshelp1]

Sorry have been with kids at the beach, yes I pay all household bills all the way from mortgage, a loan to pay off a debt she'd ran up all the way to kids pocket money, in fairness she usually buys the food but that's it and her own petrol

The kids never saw the violence but I understand what you mean, in a weird twist I was stopped today by 2 born again Christians who said whatever my worry was will work out, timely or coincidence I dunno but actually felt nice

[Itsnowornever01]

What's the other womans situation?

[SandyY2K]

If you were my brother who I love dearly, I'd urge him to leave this marriage and find happiness, because sadly, life is too short and you deserve the joy of a loving relationship.

You're a stranger online and I'd say exactly the same to you.

And she's taking the piss with the bills, unless you earn an awful lot more than her.

[newname99]

You should separate the issues. Your wife was physically abusive.You have jointly got into debt. You had an affair.

Your relationship doesn't seem to function well (maybe down to your childhoods).I don't think you should be together and it can and be better if the children are younger when parents separate.

Please don't assume the other woman is your ideal partner.An affair is not real life. Often the traits you like are the ones missing from your marriage but your wife will meet your needs in other ways (and you take for granted).I have seen it happen so often and a few years own the line there is major unhappiness with the new relationship and regret for the lost marriage.

There is never enough money to run 2 households but eventually it does get sorted.

[AcrossthePond55]

You were wrong to have an affair and she was wrong to hit you.

Can you stay with someone for financial reasons? Sure, if you're willing to live an unhappy life based on a lie and deception.

The right thing to do is to leave the marriage and provide adequately for your children.

[Blokeneedshelp1]

The OW is single
Not a massive amount more, enough that I am happy to pay a larger chunk of bills but all is taking the piss but again something I'm to blame for allowing to happen, she wasn't in a situation to pay anything while on extended maternity leave but never started tool once she got back into work, she would be about £1200 less a month than me but still herself earning well

[pocketsaviour]

It sounds like you're a good earner. I'd suggest seeking out a solicitor asap and working out your financials. Would wrap around childcare be a possibility for you so that you could share residence 50/50? In that case you wouldn't normally need to pay maintenance, just (obviously) the costs of raising your children.

Please don't "stay for the kids". Don't put the burden of their parents' unhappiness on them. Kids are far better off with two happy but separate parents than two together but miserable ones.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Your marriage is over.

She works so the financial argument is nill: she's a grown up and can learn to budget if she has to.

See a solicitor for legal advice and advice on your financial rights and responsibilities.

Try to get some therapy before you go running in the other woman's arms, though. Your neediness spells all sorts of emotional trouble, and you would do well to sort that put before entering any kind of romantic relationship. An affair is hardly the start of something stable and healthy, and stable and healthy should be your sine qua non.

[LanaorAna1]

she's not mad on you, is she. Get out. Does she hit the children? That might complicate things.

[mylaststraw]

Not sure why you seem to have has his and her salaries all along, why wasn't the earned money classed as family money, for paying bills which result from family life? Sounds a bit as if you've enabled financial selfishness from the start of the marriage. Apologies if this is not the case.
Also a bit taken aback that you put up with the unacceptable behaviour for the first years of the marriage (without saying how you had tried to work with her on sorting this out), then when she finally settles down, you start an affair! There is no excuse for an affair, if you weren't happy you should have done something about it without sneaking around and destroying the respect and trust of your children once they find out.
I'm not saying you shouldn't leave, just be honest about your motives and make sure you support your family for as long as they need it. Good luck.

[purplefox]

Your marriage is over, no one is happy and it's not really going to get better from this point. You want someone else and your wife is probably going to resent you for having an affair, and you will resent her for having to stay with her because she's financially irresponsible.

If she has a job she's not financially reliant on you, she needs to control her spending and be more responsible, that's never going to happen when she knows you're just going to continually pay for everything. It sounds like you're just making excuses and want the best of both worlds, the normal family life with your kids and the OW, you can't.