Feel so unbelievably sad and lonely

[Whenwillitbeme99]

I apologise in advance for my depressing moan. I'm sitting in tears at the prospect of yet another weekend sitting in alone not seeing or speaking to a soul. Monday is a holiday in my work so an even longer lonely weekend than usual. Every single evening and weekend is the same, I message my friends trying to make plans only to get the inevitable "sorry busy with family" I'm early 30's, every single one of my friends is happily coupled up either married or about to be with kids or planned or already on the way, all with partners who adore them an fantastic jobs and big beautiful homes. And yes l realise that things aren't always what they seem but in my friends case they really are.

My last serious relationship ended nearly 2 years ago when l discovered he was cheating with pretty much every woman that crossed his path. I still harbour a lot of anger and sadness over this, anger that l let him steal the best years of my life when l should have been out looking for someone who wanted to be with me, sadness that l was never good enough for him. He claimed he didn't want a serious relationship yet within a matter of weeks was in a new relationship with a younger, slimmer woman who l believe he is still with now, blissfully happy no doubt.

I do date, use online dating as l never go anywhere where l could meet someone. But have yet to meet anyone l'm remotely interested in, went on a date last week and there was no spark, fine he was a nice chap and we had a pleasant conversation but there was an obvious unspoken feeling we weren't interested. As we went to leave he stood arms tightly folded looking at me in horror, clearly in case l attempted to kiss him which l has absolutely no intention of doing and had given no indication of being at all interested in him. The whole thing is depressing and l more often than not leave the dates feeling really depressed. some of my friends appear to actively avoid me now I'm single as l can't contribute to their happy wives conversations, l get the usual "oh it'll happen when you least expect it" chat now and again which makes me want to scream.

All l want is the happiness which seems to come so easily for others. I have no close family, my parents live abroad and my mum doesn't have a maternal bone in her body, she seems to only visit me to express her disappointment at my failed life and to grill me on why l don't have a social life

I have tried joining groups and making new friends, the first group I tried the women were nice enough but were churchgoers and didn't drink and were quite judgemental of those who did (I'm no alcoholic but like a glass of wine now and again) the second group seemed lovely but it was all just a ruse to get me to join their Arbonne cult, no thanks.

I have a job l enjoy although it isn't nearly as well paid as my friends but at the end of the day l am still coming home to an empty house. I have been ill the last week and it dawned on me that l could be lying here for weeks and nobody would even notice.

I'm sorry for my self indulgent sob story, don't expect anyone to read it really just want to get it off my chest l guess. I'm so bored with my sad lonely life, l just don't know what the point of my being here is really I think I've completely missed the boat for my chance of the life l wanted and I'm destined to a life of lonely weekends

I do feel for you, I really mean it. A couple of my "best" friends met their future partners/husbands and over the space of say 6 mths, they reduced the time seeing me until it went to nil! I found it a bit "shocking" at the time that a "best" friend would just be dropped as opposed to seen now and then (and in some instances they didnt even have children as an "excuse"!). So at least your friends aren't like that so you should celebrate in a way - and I totes agree if you throw a daytime BBQ (so pals kids can come too) you can have a lovely time and you never know who you may end up meeting (neighbour has a son/brother who's been ditched by their partner scenario....?!). Also and this ISNT a horrible thing I am saying, write down a list of all the PLUS points you have - e.g. a job, place to live that I assume you like, you must be a nice person as you do have friends, your health (I assume you're healthy?) because you could feel as you feel BUT ALSO have a horrible or even no job, no place to live, no friends, you could be ill eg physically ill) but ALSO be alone. AM THINKING OF OLD PEOPLE WHO LOSE EVERYTHING (HUSBAND, FRIENDS, GOOD NEIGHBOURS ETC) AND ARE ILL & NO-ONE CARES. I agree that altho it sounds a cliche, you could meet someone next week, so pls try not to think this is all for ever. PS One of those best" friends I mentioned was left by her husband after 25 yrs of marriage and thru the grapevine I heard she has few pals now as they were all HIS pals. I'm afraid I thought oh dear, what goes around comes around. Aren't I awful? :-(

I think the clue in your post is: 'join book club, how do I do that?". It makes you sound like you're not trying.

Surely you must know how to join a book club. You have the internet at your fingertips.

You are in a lonely situation and you need to sort this out for you own well-being. What do you like? There is your first clue. Do you like sports? Crafts? Whatever it is you like, join a club/ association that does that sort of thing.

Or, organise a date with your friends in advance so that they're not busy. I know it's not easy (I have lived in 14 countries so I'm pretty used to be lonely and having to meet friends). My best advice it to join a sports team - netball etc... Great way to meet people. Good luck, I know how hard it is, specially in a big city. Hug to you x

well I guess its true that you never know whats around the corner. My ds was so lonely a few years ago it would break my heart, he just sat in his room and nothing I did helped, then a friend he'd known at school asked him if he wanted to go out and now theyre pretty much joined at the hip. He's a lovely lad, he takes no notice of ds when he's grumpy, just laughs at him and he helps me around the house too.

Running or cycling or walking groups are all good. Or why not get a job in a nice pub or bar?

Art groups and writing groups and night classes in general tend to be quite sociable, lots of people do them to meet people as much as to learn new things.

Theatre groups are full of lively people - you don't have to sing or act, you could be doing props or costume or just making the teas and coffees at rehearsals. If you join a local group with a fair number of youngish people there's usually lots of socialising involved outside of the actual rehearsals too.

I would do something sporty. I hate running but if I were young and single like you I would join a running club - getting fit and making new friends at the same time.

I have a friend who has joined a tennis club. She couldn't play at all at first but really enjoys it. Apparently everyone is having it off with each other .

Even if you just did a regular fitness class you could get on speaking terms with people.

I feel for you too. I am single but way older than you. A lot of people I know are on their second marriages now but there was a period where everyone seemed to be separating and divorcing which will happen to some of your friends at some stage (sorry not nice but true) and they will be looking for a pulling partner again.

I would also suggest travelling. That is something you will never do if/when you have children and you might regret it. If you are free enough, take a year off. Otherwise try one of those exodus holidays.
You would meet likeminded people and possibly make some friends for life.

It is depressing and hard to be lonely but honestly you are young enough to make a whole new life for yourself. When I look back at my early 30s pre children I wish I had made more of the time and freedom I had then.

Ok that's a good idea from a pp as well. Get a job in a bar or in my area they are advertising for bar staff for sporting events and concerts on weekends. £80 a day and you are busy and social at the same time.'

I just wanted to comment to say I feel for you. It is so different to being single when you are younger and other friends are single and you can all go out socialising together. I met my partner at 27 but a good friend of mine was in this situation in her early 30s. She found that all her friends were coupled up, OLD was one disaster after another and she was totally disheartened. In the end, she joined several different activities and met her husband to be at a sporting activity that she never expected she would enjoy. She was 33 then and is now due to get married at 35 this summer. It isn't easy to join lots of groups and things when you feel tired from working or possibly a bit shy, but I do think seeing what is out there in terms of groups/hobbies is definitely worth a try.

I have accepted that the "right man" may just not come along and well l struggle to believe that anyone could like me enough to actually want to spend their life with me, l have made my peace with this though and accepted that it might just not happen

OP if the right man doesn't come along, it will not be because you're unloveable. It will be because life isn't like Disney, we don't live in a romcom film and simple demographics mean not everybody will meet somebody. But, I think you really need to tackle this lack of self esteem which is producing statements like this. You're early 30s - your ex did not rob you of your best years. Do you really think you're at your best in your 20s and the next 50-60 years are downhill from there? Jesus, no wonder you sound depressed.

Find a life coach. I don't care how you do it but I would suggest putting your postcode and "life coach" into a search engine. Keep contacting them until you find one you like. Do stuff. It's possible you will meet someone, it's possible you won't. But if you don't, trust me as a single, childfree woman in her 40s, there is so much more to life than just meeting a man.

Go out for a walk or a run. Do stuff on your own. Being physically active will help you get out of this slough. But do things. This isn't a dress rehearsal.

OP, I could have written your post 10 years ago. It's really bloody hard. The best advice I got is to improve your life for yourself - don't think of every activity as a way of meeting men, do things that will be fun. Because you may or may not meet a man but you can be happy (or unhappy) either way.

FWIW I am now 40, married to a bloke I met on OLD (who is a treasure) a few years ago and expecting our son in December. There isn't a secret to it ime - you go on a lot of dates, most of them are shit, eventually someone decent may or may not come along. It is no reflection on you either way. In fact, it's mostly my more attractive/interesting friends who are still single in their 40's.

OP I would just add, I too picked up on some of your comments about feeling unworthy, unlovable, etc. Your self esteem does seem really low, and it's much harder to be sociable and make an effort if you feel crap about yourself with no confidence. I suggest you fake it til you feel it. Amy Cuddy's Ted Talk is great on this, and you can find it on YouTube. You may also want to have a chat with your gp and explore whether you are indeed depressed. Some talking therapies might be recommended. Hope I don't offend with that armchair diagnosis, I'm at flagging it as a possibility because of some of your comments. You seem really down, and lots of positivity and suggestions haven't seemed to inspire you much.
Hope things get better for you OP, I'm sure they will if you can be proactive, and positive. A sense of fun and self confidence also makes other people attracted to you, platonic and romantic wise.