My children and their new stepmother

[Sophilicious]

Hello
Looking for some wise advice on how to deal with this issue....
Background: me and XH are divorced and have been apart for 3 years, 3 DD's. I divorced him for EA. He has recently remarried and has step children and a toddler with his new wife.
My children have told me before that he asks them to call his wife 'mum' and they have said they don't like it, but feel they have to do as he asks so as not to upset him (by-product of our abusive marriage I guess, along with him being their dad). My youngest has recently referred to them as mum and dad when she has spent time with them and I have tried to gently ask if that's what she wants to call her and she just says she has to and is told to (she's 4).
Anyway long story sorry, he's just called them as he's been away and spoke on speaker saying 'me and mum have been to xxx' They kind of froze so I said you mean 'her name.' He told me to wind my neck in. They continued talking and finished. After the call he text me to say they chose to call her that and he respects that they refer to my DP as their other dad. I replied, not very calmly, stating that I knew that wasn't true, and also said I don't encourage them to call DP dad as he isn't.
I've since checked my DDs kindles as I regularly do, and there is an email sent after the text exchange, written from his wife, signed off 'love mum and dad'.
I want to email back (calmly this time!) explaining that I monitor their messages and that I do not feel she should, or they should, continue like this. And say if she can't, I'll block their emails until they can be more respectful. For balance, when DD's are with XH I have no way of contacting them at all as he won't allow phone or text or email contact.
Thank you for any help!

I personally find this whole situation so disrespectful and it makes me quite annoyed actually.

I'm a stepmum and my dss lives us full time with zero contact from my husband's ex wife. Therefore I'm extremely close to my stepson and he calls me mum because I am the only mother figure in his life.

OP

If you are not allowed contact while they are with him, why do you allow contact while they are with you? I know two wrongs don't make a right, but perhaps then he'd understand how it feels and decide to allow contact.

He sounds like a horrible man who hasn't changed one bit.

They have one mum and that's you. I wonder if the stepmums kids call him dad.
It's terrible when parents do this to their kids and fail to recognise how confusing it is and the potential emotional damage they could cause.

If he was EA to you and you have concerns about his treatment of the DC it's likely you will need assistance from family centre, the law or even SS, so might as well take notes and seek advice now.

Bullying them into calling their stepmother "mum" and refusing all contact with you during his time with them sounds EA to me.

I never called my stepdad dad (still don't) would have felt totally fake and weird. (I love him very much). Unfair of them to force it and make your kids uncomfortable/feel like they've done something wrong. Have you raised that point with them? Sounds like you need a third party to explain that what they are doing is wrong and also counterproductive. I love my stepdad because he didn't force anything, was just an awesome person and lovely to my mum.

This is wrong on every level and it is little wonder you are so annoyed. How would his new partner like her own children to call someone else mum. I doubt she would be very happy. FWIW I don't think it is her wishes, I think it is your ex as it diminishes you and your role in the childrens' lives.

It is incredibly unfair on them though. I don't think it is a case of children telling you what you want to hear as another poster has mentioned because no young child would voluntarily call someone mum who is not their mother.

As you say he has been EA in the past, I don't think he will back down on this and it puts your children in a difficult situation. He is also compounding his poor behaviour by contacting the children and being disrespectful to you on the phone.

You need to spell out to both of them that you are not happy with this and cut out the contact over the phone between his arranged contact visits with the children.

Whether they like her or not is not the issue either, she needs to have some respect for you too.

I wouldn't bother using a solicitor; it will just inflame matters and cost you money.

Thank you for all your replies. You've given me lots of ideas and things to think about, but mainly clarified that how I feel about the situation is right and I need to take action. Thank you all

OP, Just to say, having been a DSM for over 10 years there is no way either I or my DH (DSSs Dad) would ever encourage my DSS to call me Mum.

It is massively confusing and gives the DC issues of conflicting loyalties, that they don't have the emotional maturity to understand what's happening, only that it feels wrong but they have to do it to "please".

I strongly recommend you nip it in the bud asap, with you Ex and with your DC, so those poor kids don't develop a complex. I did, and it took me a long time to come to terms with.

We came up with a nickname for me which DSS still uses to this day and he's nearly 20! It holds happy associations for him rather than feelings of guilt or confusion so it is worth pursuing, as there is no reason they can't enjoy a loving relationship with the new DSM, it's just a different one to yours. Sadly your ex sounds like he is a bit clueless ....

your ex is still behaving in an emotionally abusive and bullying way towards you and your dc...........you need to grow balls bigger than his.

if your dc don't want to call her mum - then they don't. Any abuse or bullying for this should be logged by you for when you see your solicitor.

get access arrangements formalised legally - that's the best way to deal with EA people.

refuse to let him intrude when the dc are with you. if he won't 'allow' you to speak to the dc when at his house -then you mirror that straight back to him.

stop acting passive and letting him call the shots. get some support and counselling for yourself as well