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Original poster

How to accept not being good enough for him?

50 replies

user1468602338 · 15/07/2016 18:17

Long time browser,first time poster.
Me and john(not his real name)have both grown up on the same estate.
He is 4 years older than me.
He is outgoing and always had lots of friends and talks to everyone where we live.
Then me who is shy and quiet and doesn't really talk to anyone and in their eyes a bit weird maybe.
Most of them are loud and gobby and just not for me really.
Me and "John" we're attracted to each other and started texting but he told me to keep it between ourselves,he pretty much chased me and we spoke a lot,spent time together.
He told me he had feelings for me and wished we lived somewhere else.
Basically if we didn't live here where people knew us because he was embarrassed by me.
Now I don't mind how I look I like my figure and happy with me,I get a lot of attention from men(and I don't mean that in a I love myself way,because I don't far from it)it wasn't to do with looks it was the fear of what people would say.
We started sleeping together but once again kept between us.
This went on for ages.
He told me he loved me,then said my friends wouldn't believe what your really like,we got on so well,felt totally at ease with each other,could chat for hours but he wouldn't date me and I hand on heart know it was what people would think.
It has made me a shell of myself,he has a girlfriend now(one of the popular girls in my area) yet he still tried to talk to me and kept coming back and back.
I know that I wasn't good enough for him,well in his eyes.
I don't know how to accept it tho,can you help me?
He got to know me and there is nothing wrong with me,I'm just quiet around strangers and people take me the wrong way.
Il be honest I'm in love with him.
I don't want to be because he hurt me but what can I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1468602338 · 15/07/2016 21:13

I wish I had told him to go to hell ages ago,should of told him you either date me properly or not in secret.
I've been a fool.
I just keep thinking how nice it was when we were together,don't think I've ever felt so comfortable with a man.
He really opened up to me as well that's why I don't understand.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/07/2016 21:15

He is an awful, awful piss poor excuse for a human being OP.
If he was a good person it wouldn't matter to him what his mates thought of him being with you.
How can you love someone with such low morals?. He is using you as a shag buddy but he doesn't want to be seen in public with you. Yuck.
There is NOTHING wrong with you except cripplingly low self esteem. Do yourself a huge favour - tell him to fuck off and get yourself some therapy asap.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 15/07/2016 21:20

My mates keep saying its him with the problem.
I honestly did think he had feelings for me just not enough to do anything about it eh.
Well in secret obviously.
Being someone's secret did nothing for my confidence,this whole experience has made me so unhappy.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 15/07/2016 21:27

I can't believe he is 31 years old. 31? I thought you were going to say 19. Anyway, OP, what the fuck have you been thinking?

CharlotteCollins · 15/07/2016 21:31

That's good that you've got good friends looking out for you. Enjoy their company for a bit while you work on your self esteem.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 15/07/2016 21:32

I've been a total idiot.

OP posts:
CatchIt · 15/07/2016 21:46

I think your thread title is wrong. It should read "how to accept not being good enough for me."

He chased you. He told you he had feelings for you. He told you he loves you. All this, and yet he doesn't feel you are good enough for him???!!!

Fuck that. You need to throw him the evil eye and avoid him like the plague. You are worth more, waaay more.

You will find someone better who values you for who you are and loves you regardless.

He is a twat

Original poster
user1468602338 · 15/07/2016 22:08

When you meet someone and you don't get on its OK you move on but when it's someone who you click with its harder to take.
The only thing that was stopping us was him.
I don't understand him at all..maybe one day he will regret being a dick.

OP posts:
Itsnowornever01 · 15/07/2016 22:12

Yes but you are probably 'clicking' with him due to the fact he's probably a very good emotional manipulator. I once learnt the hard way on that one.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 16/07/2016 08:10

Whatever it was it's done now so I have to just try and move on and forgot about him.
It's proving difficult,he seems to be all I think about.

OP posts:
user1467709068 · 16/07/2016 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 16/07/2016 10:30

Everyone's posts makes sense I just keep thinking what could I have done differently.
If I could of been a different way but I don't think it was anything I could of done.
I think in his head he already decided I was a bit of a embarrassment.

OP posts:
ReallyNoEyeDeer · 16/07/2016 11:30

I think in his head he already decided I was a bit of a embarrassment.

Does he say specifically what it is that makes you "embarrassing" to him? Or is just general unspecific abuse?

You need to get shot of this man but the reason I am asking is that I wonder if whatever he is picking on is a reason for your low self esteem - For example in your OP you say "Now I don't mind how I look I like my figure" - so I'm wondering if he is telling you that you are overweight.

If he has accurately targeted an aspect of yourself that you feel insecure about, then this maybe a reason why you are putting up with this cr*p. In which case, you need to work on building your self esteem in that area of your life.

Does that make sense?

Original poster
user1468602338 · 16/07/2016 12:52

We are both from the same area and he was always the popular one who got on with everyone and I was the shy one who people didn't like.
I think he thinks if he was to openly date me people would take the piss.
He spoke about becoming a couple,organised a date and it got to the day he didn't text and I went on whatsapp and he had blocked me.
Stupidly I let him back in after.
No if anything he says I need to put weight on and he said I wear too much makeup.
It's been a good few months since we spoke as I sent him a message saying I was sick of this etc and replied asking what I was wearing,he was drunk but I snapped and told him he was a looser and to fuck off and that was it.
Maybe I was too harsh.
I just don't get why he is so embarrassed,we are adults not kids anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1468602338 · 16/07/2016 12:56

He has knocked my confidence massively.
I used to look in the mirror and like what I seen now I just think your horrible,he didn't want you because your pathetic,he chose her,the popular one.
I need to stop :-(

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 16/07/2016 13:14

He's an absolutely nasty piece of work, he honestly sounds like he has serious issues and is enjoying messing with your head. Please, tell him in no uncertain terms that HE is not good enough for YOU, because this is the truth! You sound lovely, you really do, please don't let this horrible excuse for a man mess with your head for a second longer! I wish I could tell him to fuck off and leave you alone, I really do!

Original poster
user1468602338 · 16/07/2016 13:21

Thankyou :-)
I just felt really down yesterday and needed to write down how I felt,my friends don't like me talking about him as they hate him.
Tbh I think I need to get out of the place I live.
People are so judgemental.
Went to the paper shop and the 3 girls who I hate (I know hate is a strong word but they are vile) stood outside with their 20 kids throwing stones at passing cars and they just laughing at them ..anyway walk past and 1 of the girls says to the other 2 ( eeeee who does she think she is like,she loves herself doesn't she,well she always has)
You can probably tell I don't love myself far far from it.
I like to dress up and look nice,do my makeup and hair and enjoy buying clothes.
They've always hated me,for no reason.
Sorry getting off subject but it is kind of related to him in a way that he speaks to them..even has them on Facebook.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 16/07/2016 13:28

Sounds like a fresh start would be no harm tbh.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 16/07/2016 16:56

A girl can dream :-)

OP posts:
coco1810 · 16/07/2016 21:49

I wish I could leave the area
Well, you could if you truly want to. It may take time and some hard graft but why couldn't you? TBH, he sounds like a dick and you sound like a very mature, level headed person. You can do anything you want to do!

Glastokitty · 17/07/2016 01:12

I agree, you should save up and move away. A new life, a fresh start, there's nothing better!

Bloopbleep · 17/07/2016 01:27

I think everyone's concluded the original guy's a twat so why not go for a meal with the other guy? All it is is a meal, nothing more and even if you don't fancy the bloke you might make a friend from it...

user1468698069 · 17/07/2016 11:00

He will only make you feel worse about yourself and take the little self esteem that you have left. You have him sussed and now have a decision to make, I feel sorry for the other girl, really I do who still has the impression that he's one of the good guys. Imagine if she knew what he was doing to you while pretending to be exclusive to her. You have the knowledge, knowledge is power. Walk away, actually don't. run x

Thomasisintraining · 17/07/2016 11:11

This happens more than you would think op. You see as women we are peddled this notion that men are only driven by sex, so they only ever use for sex, but not at all - using bastards, like in the OP, love the ego boost of it all. I have seen a friend have many of these non boyfriends over the years. They absolutely loved the ego boost of having this woman on a string. She was a rock solid girl/woman at the start but she attracted these guys like a magnet once they saw they could get away with it. Being second best does eat away at your confidence though. OP just get rid and don't leap into another one please. If it is any consolation these guys continued on their quest for someone to feed their egos and were never happy enough with what was on offer it was insatiable. You on the other hand have realistic expectations of a normal relationship you just need the right person.

PsychedelicSheep · 17/07/2016 19:42

OP you are what I refer to as an 'indoor girlfriend', someone you're happy to watch films with and cuddle and fuck but not someone you want to take out with your friends. I've had 'indoor boyfriends' before, fine if everyone's happy with the situation but you're obviously not. And he does sound like an immature prick, who does he think he telling you're not good enough. You might think something like that but you don't tell the person and be a cunt about it, it's unnecessary and cruel.

I think if you go NC with him for a few weeks you will feel sooooo much better about things.

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